sunday play

Because getting outside and playing with a bright orange ball can get anyone out of her grumps and back into her body.

Try it.

Dare you.

the realness of here

Left (Wednesday mid-morning) :: in this moment, this is what motherhood looks like: Tired. Grateful. A bit scared. A lot optimistic. Overwhelmed. Present. Real. Holding on to joy. 

Right (Wednesday late-afternoon) :: here: adele. hot tea. getting ready to chat with my coach. it's good. yep. I got this.

The photos + words above are glimpses into two moments in my world yesterday. I love that they really are an illustration of how things go around here. One moment can be full of so much worry and exhaustion and aloneness and thank goodness she is napping. Another later in the day can be full of big dreams and a certainty that I am going to make them real.

And a lot of the time that certainty of yesterday afternoon seems impossible to find.

And sometimes I feel lonely like I did yesterday morning.

But neither of these photos illustrates exactly how it is around here or how I feel all the time.

They are glimpses into my world. Glimpses into the realness of working from home + being a mom/caregiver throughout the day and trying to figure out how to ask for help and trying to find my way and how the list goes on. They are glimpses into the beauty and the shit. They are just glimpses that tell pieces of the story. For the whole story, well, you would have to move in and I still probably wouldn't tell you everything.

Today, the following words are really just tumbling out of me and even though I feel a bit uncertain about sharing, I am going with it:

In my corner here, I try to just tell stories. Sometimes the stories are full of joy and other times they might be a glimpse into grieving. I might share poem notes, bits about motherhood, and how I am using my new favorite journals. And sometimes I tell these stories through my jewelry, my workshops, and my retreats.

I mostly try to pay attention to my life
so that I feel less crazy
and less alone.

And the tools I usually use to share how I pay attention are my camera and my pen or laptop.

This is just how I do it. There really is no right or wrong way to share your stories online or in other ways.

And in this moment, I have to admit to feeling a bit defensive after noticing a trend of blog posts that seem to invite those of us trying to find the beauty in the present moment or trying to notice the simple things to feel like we are trying to show the world that life is perfect.

This practice of being right here...of noticing the moment and how I feel and choosing to sometimes walk right to the mirror and look myself in the eyes so that I feel less alone...well, this is how I get through.

And something tells me that a lot of other people (perhaps all of us) are doing what they do to get through too.

When Jon and I saw Anne Lamott speak last Friday night, she talked about how people who talk about "being present" and breathing or people who say things like "Let go and let God" sometimes make her feel like taking a fork and stabbing them in the forehead like a baked potato. That moment was so funny. Everyone laughed. She said it with such conviction that I am still laughing about it as I type this. I am with her on the platitudes that people seem to need to say, especially when saying things they think God would tell us, as though they are speaking for God. 

But as I was laughing, I was also very aware of her use of the words "be present."

Then she said, "But it turns out breath was part of the way home." 

And I started crying.

Because this is what it is to me. This is what it is all about. Finding my way home. Letting the breath, letting a power greater than me, letting my own wisdom hold the space for what I most need.

When I take a photo like the iPhone self-portraits above, I find my breath and I find my way back to me just for that second. And for that moment, I let go of so much and just observe what is really happening. When I pair the photo with words like I did in both of these moments above, I can drill right down to what I am feeling, and often, I uncover what I know. And I can't avoid it because I am staring back at me.

Self-portraits are really like a prayer for me.

When I try to find beauty in the midst of the everyday, it isn't about pretending life is perfect. In fact, it is really more about finding the beauty in the mess...in the piles of bills...in the toddlerness of things...in the hard stuff and the good stuff. I don't want to forget that there is love and joy and music that makes me dance each time I hear it and a really good cup of tea waiting for me even in the midst of complete uncertainty.

And each time I share in this corner, it is just a glimpse. It is just me reaching out hoping someone will nod and say, "Me too." It is just me wanting someone to see me and wanting you to know you are not alone. 

(Thanks for reading.)

[Edited to add: After reading laney's comment, I realize that when I talked about Anne Lamott above, I really did pull this section of her talk out of context, and if I were Ms. Lamott, I might would be a bit annoyed with me. And if you are not familiar with her writing, you might assume a lot about her based on what I share above and that would be sad. She is incredible and thoughtful and funny and really seems to just tell the truth. The context above was more about how we can feel resistent to the very thing we need. And that sometimes the way someone says it, turns us away, but then we find our way back to it. I am putting my spin on her words and really this is not what I planned to share about her talk (as I do plan to write more soon).

I have no reason to believe that she wasn't saying that she doesn't believe in the idea of "Let go and let God;" it really is more about the phrasing and the timing of when people choose to use what I call platitudes. Her words were funny in context because I think it is just so true that people try to help and so often say the wrong thing that just doesn't resonate when we are deeply in pain. I so appreciate Carol's comment about her mother-in-law telling her to just pray and how at the time it might have felt dismissive because she wanted a plan of action. Now, though, as she wrote in her comment below, she sees "when things seem overwhelming, really truly the only answer is to 'just pray' or breathe or be in the moment or offer it up to the Universe or whatever you want to call it because there is nothing left."

I hope this helps explain (or even over-explain) why I chose to pull that bit of her talk out for this piece that poured out of me Thursday. If reading it all feels clunky, well, I think that is because all the pieces I am sharing are a bit noisy and messy and unsure of where they fit. But I guess I just wanted to start the conversation instead of sitting silently over here.]

*****

Deeply inspired by Darrah's post about the realness of the first few months of motherhood and Jen's post about "a life in progress" and Erika's post at Shutter Sisters about how "your life is newsworthy."

trust, rest, and a shop coupon

trust . a new bracelet in the shop

Last week, I closed the shop for about ten days to give myself a bit of breathing space. I wanted to spend time with my family and focus on a couple of other projects and big dreams that I am hoping to make real. It was also the breathing space week in my Create Space ecourse, and it was simply nice to practice what I am teaching as I work alongside my current ecourse participants.

This made me think about how we really should give ourselves the gift of a break every now and then. Even though I wasn't actually on a true vacation (oh my goodness I know there is a white sandy beach in Maui calling my name but I won't be visiting her for a long time) and in reality I was working almost every day, I needed to take a break from being in the studio and creating for others. I needed this break so that I could come back refreshed and ready to create these special talismans.

(I am writing more on the idea of rest and redefining what rest can mean as part of the next "Field Notes: Adventures in Creative Self-Care" newsletter series, so stay tuned as I will be sending it out later this week. Sign up here if you want to start receiving this newsletter-only series and other fun things like coupons for the shop, retreat announcements, and so on.)

Earlier this week, as I reorganized my project table where I create most of the Soul Mantras designs, I felt called to create this new "trust" bracelet for myself. I have been working with trust as one of my personal soul mantras for a few months now, using it in meditation and with my personal altar practice. And I have been wearing this word inside a locket. But I felt called to make it even more present. I need to see it on my wrist to remember each day that it is time to trust the love that surrounds me, the wisdom within me, and that I don't have to know and do everything. I paired it with an amethyst crystal to help calm thoughts and give insight. I have been wearing it stacked with my mala beads and a few other bracelets, and it has made me so happy that I decided to add it as a new available design.

As I celebrate getting back into the studio, I am having a 20% off sale in my shop today! Just use coupon code "leap2012" TODAY ONLY to receive 20% off of your entire order. (You just have to click "Apply Coupon Code" right above the item total in your cart. Then enter the code before you check out.)

May today include a bit of what you most need...

Blessings,

Liz

a little helper

ellie jane helps jon make tacos

I have been meaning to do a post about life with Ellie Jane and the tools and books and toys that we are enjoying over here, but after saying, "I have got to tell other moms about this fun pod" yet again in my head this morning, I decided to finally write a post just about this magical red stool meets high chair without a seat meets mama's best helper ever.

It is one of the more expensive toddler items we have, but it has been so so worth it in just the five weeks we have had it.

We use it every day throughout the day. While I make breakfast, Ellie stands in it and nibbles on things. When I had to work on orders while Jon was working late, she played next to me (you might have spotted this before). 

We are at the point where she wants to get up in it. And this is a welcome companion to the always on the move energy she often has. I also really love how it keeps her safe when I need to open the oven or am making something on the stove.

It also helps Ellie see what is going on. She often wants to be held, but this way she can be part of what is going on and see everything I am doing (and my hands can be free). She stands in it at the table as well and we use it instead of a high chair at times because she doesn't always want to be "strapped in." She has such an inquisitive, determined spirit and I love how this little fun pod helps encourage her and support the ways she learns.

Can you tell I kind of love it? I just wanted to share in case you or someone you love might have a little one who could benefit from a helper like this one.

Oh and did you spot Millie in these photos? The fun pod also helps Ellie feed Millie snacks (when I'm not looking). I hear her giggle and turn around and see Mille snacking away while Ellie looks at me with eyes twinkling. Still trying to capture that with the camera.

PS A few other notes: I meant to also say that my mom and I looked at a few options for this type of stool, but because Ellie is so active, we didn't want to get one that she could climb out of. This one has four sides, so we have to lift her up, but she is a wee one still and probably will be for her toddler years because of her heart stuff, so it will be pretty easy to use it for years. It is very sturdy (and HEAVY, I slide it across the floor) and I have no worries at this point of her falling out or climbing out.

here

a post is brewing inside me about the realness of working from home while taking care of a toddler full time and running a business that is really more than a full time job. a post about the lifelines i hold onto some days. a post about why i really invite you to let go (for real this time) of thinking the people you see online "do it all." a post about how some days find me vacuuming with a toddler eating cheerios strapped to me. a post about how going to the bathroom by myself sometimes seems like it has become a luxury. a post about how sometimes i drive around my neighborhood drinking a hot chai tea and talking with a friend because my daughter is napping in the backseat and i don't want to hang up yet. a post about how just when i think "i got this" the overwhelms arrive again. a post that is just about the realness of things so that i can remind myself that choosing self-care (like i did last week when i closed the shop during my ecourse's "breathing space" week to give myself some breathing space too) is the right choice...so i can remind myself of what i know...

and i wanted to write that post tonight. 

but then there was this photo from today.

this photo of a little girl who has her head on her daddy's chest. a little girl who wants to go outside even when it is freezing because there are birds and trees and so much to do and see. a little girl who giggles and then gets so frustrated in the next breath that i can't help but wonder what will happen when that frustration is finally paired with words. a little girl who looks at me like no one has ever looked at me before. a little girl who runs down the hall and wraps her arms around my legs when i get done with a marathon brainstorming skype session because she just can't believe i am finally back. a little girl who touches her chest and my chest when i say, "where is love?"

there can be both you know. there can be deep deep love and frustration about the realness of it all. you can hold both at once. you can hold both the beauty and shit.* 

this is the way of life i think. 

*i just can't come up with another word. this phrase, the beauty and the shit, is one i have been using with my friends for a while now. i basically want to name my next ecourse "the beauty and the shit" but i know that won't really resonate with everyone. at the same time, i think you probably know exactly what i mean when i say it. life is full of beauty and shit. it is full of moments that take our breath away because they are incredible and because they are so so hard. and we get through. and we find our breath again. and there is love. and we hope there is more love than shit. and it is okay to see all of it and tell the truth about all of it too.

pen & paper :: a little about susan

a glimpse into Susan's workshop at the Fall 2010 Be Present Retreat

Today, my friend Jennifer Horsman is sharing a bit about how Susan Wooldridge inspires her. Susan is teaching at Pen & Paper with Kelly and me next month, and I thought you might want to know just a bit more about her. There are a few spots left and we hope you will join us!

Jennifer writes:

I first met Susan Wooldridge at a Be Present Retreat in Lake Bay, Washington in the fall of 2010 where she was a mentor. Her books Poemcrazy: Freeing Your Life with Words and Foolsgold: Making Something from Nothing and Freeing Your Creative Process had become favorites of mine; both copies highlighted, underlined, dog-eared and often reread. Susan was alive on the page, fully engaged in the world around her through each of her senses. 

Poemcrazy changed the way I thought about words. Words suddenly moved beyond their dictionary definitions and embodied their lyrical form. Words evoked emotion, memory and timespace. Words became playful and acrobatic. I began to see with fresh eyes and because of this I also began to write more.

To my delight I found that Susan in person was every bit as vivid and enticing as she had appeared on the page. Her excitement for poetry was palpable and infectious. Susan was generous with her time and convinced each of us, regardless of writing experience, of our ability to create poetry. She built an atmosphere filled with warmth, humor, encouragement and acceptance. Each exercise expanded our ideas about poetry and what we were capable of creating. We left the retreat with work we felt proud of and a desire to keep writing.

Susan is an alchemist. She is able to elicit unique magic in every student she encounters. She will return to Lake Bay at the Pen & Paper Retreat in March. I will be there and I'd really love to share this extraordinary experience with you as well. If any part of your heart leaps to recognition at the sound of the word writer you won't want to miss it!

"Poems arrive. They hide in feelings and images, in weeds and delivery vans, daring us to notice and give them form with our words. They take us to an invisible world where light and dark, inside and outside meet." 

- Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge (from Poemcrazy)

*****

Susan's Pen & Paper workshop description:

In a safe, free setting, we will gather and surround ourselves with words that will be gateways to deeper knowing about who we are, where we come from and where we're going.  

In this workshop, we will forage in a field of words, cast nets and gather what we need to joyfully and safely express the depths of our hearts, souls, spirits. Sleepy orange trust, clock's breath, preach nibbles have all emerged from playful "wordpools" like the ones we'll create together. We will tinker!

We will also create small worlds of gatherings in boxes that reflect our connection to the natural world (as well as to the sparkly world of litter) and write odes to our gatherings and odes to our shadows (and odes to our shadow gatherings). From this we will spinoff and spinoff and spinoff!

Find out more about the Pen & Paper Retreat.

*****

Jennifer Horsman lives along the California coast with her husband and greyhound in a small cottage filled with books, records and loose leaf tea.

She can be found at www.lovelyandimperfect.squarespace.com

brain lint :: journaling

The first sentence of this page of my journal says, "this is the page where i am going to just dump the stuff that i don't need to hold onto like worry and not enoughness and how the **** will i get it all done..." Since writing those words, I have turned to this page and filled it with uncensored fears when I get distracted while working.

The idea to do this came to me while I was working in my red Smash journal that houses ideas for my ecourses and other online projects I am working on. While putting these ideas to the page, I can find myself pulled by the "what ifs" and the "shoulds" and how the list goes on. On this day, I was writing down ideas for a possible ecourse connected to the project Jen Lee is producing that will be out later this spring (will share more about this project soon! we are having so much fun putting the finishing touches together before it all goes to print), and I had a flurry of a brainstorm that got me very excited. But then I got stuck as some gremlins came up. So I flipped through the journal to another section to give myself a break from thinking about this idea and came to this page that said, "Brain Lint." 

Yes.

Because this is exactly what the not enoughness is sometimes: lint that is just taking up space where something else could reside.

I love how my Smash journals often provide just the prompt I need when I am working. They really seem like magic sometimes. (Not kidding.) You can read the other posts in this journaling series inspired by my excitement over my first Smash book here.

An Invitation

Reserve a few pages in your journal for some uncensored brain lint. Let it be a safe space for you to let that not enoughness or the fears or the worry land so you can lean into the real work.

And consider joining us over in the Notes for the Journey Flickr group where we are sharing pages from our journals and where we are journaling. Also, if you are on Instagram, a group of us are using the hashtag #journeynotes when we share our journals. Oh and if you use an app like Instagram, you can easily use the blur feature to blur out your personal journaling but still share your photo. 

a ruffle or three

sporting my PDX beanies newsgirl hat on today's little adventure + lunch + writing at a cafe with jon

A few weeks ago, I mentioned posting some outfit posts every now and then. And I have really wanted to share them with you because it simply is fun to share the things I love with my girlfriends. But I have to admit to feeling a bit, well, blah about the photos I have tried to take so far. In the middle of my day, there really isn't time to pack Ellie up in the car to take a cute photo against the best background ever (even though oh my goodness I really love Elsie's tips about taking cute outfit photos). And I am just beginning to use my new tripod and remote (and by just beginning I mean I have put them in the car a few times but haven't used them yet). So the best way for me to get an outfit photo right now is to use the mirror...in the hallway...the hallway with the oatmeal colored walls and beige carpet. Sigh. 

But I am going to do it anyway...

...because I am just in love with this simple "dress" I found at the Gap outlet this weekend. And by dress I mean "nightgown" kind of thing as it is "Gap Body," but the ruffles...oh the ruffles! They just make me so happy. It is a denim blue color and I have paired it with my Sarah Clemens wide ruffle bloomers, a simple lace tank from Target, and a wrap top by Comfy (no link) but it is very similar to my favorite wrap from Wildewear on Etsy. Today's necklaces are a long locket from my shop and a handpainted necklace by Mindy Lacefield from her shop Tim's Sally. The whole outfit is a bit like wearing pajamas I suppose, but the ruffles make me smile and I am in this place where feeling happy in my clothes is most important right now. It is really part of my self-care.

(Speaking of my shop, I am taking a break for a week to continue to rest and spend time with my family as Jon has some time off this week. I plan to reopen on the 27th.)

I really do hope to take some fun outfit photos out in the world when I go on some self-portrait adventures when my schedule for such things falls on the same day it isn't raining. But until then, thank you for indulging me as I just wanted to share this today.