at the edge...

gearhart, oregon . august 11, 2010

a few weeks ago, i mentioned that i spent time standing alone at the edge of the ocean, releasing some things out into the world. the following poem note of sorts is a glimpse into that experience. all lines of poetry mentioned in this post are from mary oliver's collection of poetry in Red Bird.

*****

I stood at the edge of the push and the pull, my feet sinking in the wet sand, my heart’s strings attempting to weave together so that they did not lose their grip, so I would not lose my grip.

I stood at the edge as the rain wound her way from the grey to the strands of my hair, pooling in my turned up cuffs.

I stood at the edge and opened a way to navigate this path disguised as a book of poetry.

I stood at the edge and read…

 

“Let the world

have its way with you…”*

 

As the rain wound her way from the grey to fuse with the crashing and the pushing and the pulling, I stood alone at the edge with salt water winding its way from my eyes to merge with the pools of water beneath, on, around me, and I stood watching or was it feeling the crashing and the pushing and the pulling. I stood watching and began to wonder if the strings holding my heart, me, were disentangling with each breath filled with fear. I stood at the edge and began to read aloud…

 

“…there is

always grief more than enough,

a heart-load for each of us

on the dusty road…”**

 

As the rain wound her way from the grey to my lowered, rounded self, my voice began to duel with the crashing and the pulling until the rhythm began a dance with the fear and the hope. The water dripped across the page, pooling at the center as I stood at the edge of the pushing and the pulling until these words became my repeated rhythm…

 

“…put your lips to the world.

And live,

your life.”***

 

I stood at the edge, my heart’s strings weaving the spaces between each crack as the rain raced toward the center, my eyes stinging with the salt and the fear and all that I hoped would not be. I stood at the edge of the push and the pull and the crashing of all that is not supposed to be and heard you…

 

“…and this is why I have been sent, to teach this to your heart.”****

 

My eyes blurred with the truth and the fear and the hope as I stood at the edge of the crashing and pushing and pulling. As the rain pooled around me, inside me, I stood at the edge as her words found their way to the cracks, and I began to speak aloud the prayer said by so many (by all) before me…

 

Please

Please

Please

*from “Summer Morning”

**from “Ocean”

***from “Mornings at Blackwater”

****from “Red Bird Explains Himself”

my heart is full

flowers on kelly rae's dining room table (all the flowers in her house made me smile at every turn)

my heart feels full of so many good things this evening and i thought i would share a few...

i am bustling about gathering things for Reveal, the Be Present Retreat that will take place this week. i cannot wait to see the ready to dive into the good stuff faces of the participants and teachers. we are going to have so much fun. (and soon, very soon, i will be sharing sneak peeks into a few of the retreats that are to come in 2011.)

a big thank you to all who visited my shop during my gratitude special. oh my goodness it was such a treat to read the notes from shoppers who were so excited to receive a free simple soul mantra necklace chosen just for them. and because of all your support, we are going to be able to purchase a few things we need for the weeks to come and i am so very grateful for that. (insert a big photo of me with my arms open to envelop you in a hug.) the shop will close tuesday morning for a few weeks while i focus on the reveal retreat and then ellie jane's health needs.

last week, ellie and i took a quick trip to portland to visit kelly rae. it was such a treat to see my friend standing firmly in her motherhood journey as she awaits her son's birth day. and i feel so blessed to be walking beside her as we each learn about being a new mama. (and her new house is so beautiful! i am deeply inspired to do the nesting i didn't really find myself doing while pregnant. later this fall, i plan to pull out all the vintage linens i have been collecting for various projects and begin to actually use them in my own home.) and, we were also lucky enough to see jen and cean for a couple of hours before we left town. so nice to know i can take ellie on quick little road trips to get us out into the world a bit and connect with our extended support system.

friday evening, i turned up macy gray again and sang and danced with ellie. and she laughed the entire time. not kidding here. she laughed through the entire song. it was pure bliss. her laughter and her happy nature feel like such a contrast to her health stuff...but yet here she is giggling her way through a song about how no matter what is happening, there is beauty in the world. 

and today, in this moment, i am holding on to the wise words of jen lemen that fear can be a gift and resting inside the truth that things are unfolding exactly as they should.

yes yes yes.

a full of gratitude shop special

betty models a few necklaces in the shop

it has been a really good thing for me to be able to create in spurts here and there since ellie's birth. (i thank jon for really getting my need to stay connected to my creative life even while navigating the waters of new mother and other things.) creating soul mantra necklaces has been something i can pick up here and there throughout the day and in the evening when things settle down a bit. there is something about the power of words that speak deeply to me being hammered, letter by letter, into metal, believing that someone will see those words and recognize a phrase from her own story and decide that she needs this reminder of their truth.

because of some things on our schedule over the next few weeks, next week i will be closing the shop for a bit, probably until late october. in anticipation of all that is to come and in the spirit of gratitude for all the support people have given my shop this summer and early fall, i would like to offer a super (not too) secret special for blog readers (and FB/twitter folks).

here is the scoop: spend $30 in my etsy shop and I will send you a simple soul mantra necklace as a free gift with your purchase. i will choose one for you (like one of the examples pictured below) and package it up in the hopes that it will be the message that you most need in this place on your path. i am also happy to send it (with free shipping) to a friend, if you think a friend might need a quiet, powerful message right now.

just mention "gratitude" in the notes to seller when you check out. this special is available until this Friday night, September 24 at 11:30 PM PST.

time for a little dancing

i simply cannot get enough of this song lately.

turn it up and dance with me...

i choose: happiness

 

a few things making me happy this evening...

1. i visited gypsy girl's guide this weekend (alex, the gypsy girl herself, is on maternity leave as she just had her little one) and i mused about the idea of self-portraits and shared a few things that make me feel strong and brave and beautiful. 

2. a "new to me" polaroid spectra camera is bringing a smile to my face. i have taken one of the three photos it still had in it when it arrived (and the photo was a good one!). i can't wait to learn more about the spectra and polaroids and lighting needed when taking a polaroid from maddie when she teaches at Reveal in less than two weeks. (and yes, the rumors are true, there are still a couple of spots left at this retreat. if you are reading this and suddenly have that oh my goodness i must check airline prices right now feeling...well, i hope you will as i would really love to see you [and, as a perk, you will get to meet this person AND hang out with this person who will be looking after the aforementioned little one]). 

3. i am so thrilled to be a guest during one of the week's of jenna's fantastic e-course Alchemy: A Writing Course for Creative Souls. i have had some sneak peeks of this course, and to put it simply, it is going to be a very good thing. no way around it. i hope you will join jenna for so much goodness this october.

4. spent a bit of time doing a little etsy window shopping where i found (oh how i adore) this, (oh the blue!) this, and (oh i think i need) this.

5. watching ellie have a full conversation with the octopus that hangs from her activity mat thingamabob was a highlight of this weekend. seriously. that girl loves to talk. i am convinced that she says "hi" and "yes" but the others words i am not quite getting yet. 

6. the little "one word" lockets i mentioned in my last post are now in the shop. i made myself my own "joy" simple locket as a much needed reminder.

7. yesterday afternoon was spent with my dear friend deb who gently held my words and shared pieces of her own story and her wisdom while we dined together and had some mighty tasty margaritas. in this moment, i am smiling just thinking about our time together. (thank you girl)

8. oh and your preorders of my book...well...seeing them pop into my inbox is really making me grin. thank you. i simply cannot wait for you to read Inner Excavation!

*****

i have admit that today was filled with quite a bit of wallowing. i got bogged down by feelings of disappointment and less than and who do i think i am and fear and hurt feelings. i chose to close the laptop and take a break from all that stuff and focus instead on creating and watching the rain fall and seeking out the peeks of blue sky and listening to ellie coo and sharing a long hug with my husband. but how i wanted to wallow. still, i pushed myself (while kicking and screaming in my head). i pushed myself to seek out the goodness and the beauty and found my way to standing inside moments of happiness. 

making choices as i find my way...

the author's advanced copy of my book arrived. yep. i am holding it right there in that photo. with my name on the cover and everything. my. name. is. on. that. book. it is a bit unbelievable i must admit.

part of the unbelievableness is because i am so preoccupied with ellie's health needs right now. so time for celebrating that this day has come doesn't exactly fit into the schedule in between medicine and feedings and appointments and calls regarding all that is to come...

but then there is this other reality that i so very much want to share my book with you! i want to invite you all over for a big ice cream sundae party complete with champagne and show you every page and point out my favorite parts...i want to tell you all about why i wrote it and why i hope you will find your way to a bookstore near you and seek it out or order it from me with a signed note addressed just to you.

but gushing about the book in this space feels a bit like answering the question, "how are you?" with "just fine" when what you really want to say is, "pretty damn bad thanks for asking."

so i thought about not even talking about the book here...but that isn't the right answer either. (i am sounding a bit like the guy in that scene from the princess bride. you know the guy. that inconceivable guy. but this is the way my mind works sometimes. too much thinking.)

so while doing all this overthinking, i found myself seeking a space away from the mind chatter and i did what i often do. i took several deep breaths and gave my mind permission to quiet a bit and i turned to words on paper and wrote this poem note:

in this moment, i am
choosing to seek joy
making space to soar
resting inside hope
dancing through the fear 
pausing to notice
(with each breath)
the truth that lives inside me

a few hours later, i was creating a few custom soul mantra lockets and saw this poem note again and decided to hammer the words joy, soar, rest, hope, dance, and pause into a few small lockets i had on my studio table. it was one of those moments where i was singing along with paul simon while creating with my hands and smiling knowing i was supposed to be right there in that moment. knowing it was all coming together just as it should.

this evening, while thinking about how i want to tell you all about the book and why i am proud of it and why i think you will want to read it, i thought about this. how i turned to poetry and creating in the midst of the swirling challenges of our current every-day world. how finding my way to the words that live inside me invited me to find my own rhythm again, so that when it was time to be back in the world of medicine and calls with the insurance company, i felt more grounded and more like me...even though this is so different than the life i had imagined living with a three-month old baby, my baby. even though i am more scared than i have ever been, i am finding my way back to strength and bravery and the wisdom that lives within me.

and then it all came together: my book is about this very thing. it is about how we can see poetry, photography, and art as tools on our path, and how these tools help us unearth the truths that are whispering inside us. this book is about seeking the beauty in each day, even when that day might also be full of challenges and heartache and fear but also when it is just full of the everyday stuff that life gives us. it is about turning to words and paint and paper to see yourself. it is about picking up your camera to document the life that you are living right now. 

and as i live this life and walk on this new path, i realize the gift i have given myself in already having this rhythm with my camera and pen and all that waits for me in the little room. i have given myself a gift of knowing what i need to find the joy and the beauty in this life. 

yes.

this is why i want to tell you more about Inner Excavation. this is what it it all about. we choose what we shine a light on in our lives. we choose what we see in each moment. we choose. even when life is full of the everyday struggles, we choose. and creating can become the way we document these moments of our truth.

yes.

i hope you will join me in a moment of celebrating. because i will own that what that photo above represents is indeed a beautiful page of the book that is my life.

(thank you)

blessings,

liz

hello mtn

a few glimpses into my afternoon with hello mtn (aka my brother matthew and the delightful, beautiful, and sweet catherine). they are currently working on a video and finishing their debut EP. 

(so let's pretend for a moment that the handsome guy in these photos is not my brother.) here is what i love about hello mtn's story (aside from the fact that they wrote my daughter the most beautiful song ever heard in all the world):

they are working on their album, writing all the songs and recording them in stops and spurts, while catherine is on tour with horse feathers. this means that sometimes they are emailing ideas back and forth, and she records a demo in her hotel room while in, let's say montreal, and matt then fleshes it out in his studio in portland. then he will email her the updated song, and she will listen to it on her iphone while she is on a train heading to berlin. feedback is exchanged. matt tries to brush off the reality that she is across the world from him and continues working on the song until she gets back and they can record the final version. but she's only home a few days. they play a few shows, continue recording the EP, and off she goes again.

sounds like a movie doesn't it? it gets better. they are writing letters back and forth on their website to fill in the spaces of the missing and give each other a glimpse into where they are in the world.

i am smitten, just smitten with this band and its story. in a way i haven't been smitten since i heard the weepies sing, "i thought of you, and where you'd gone. and the world spins madly on."

and lucky for us, i get to share a little video clip from "first song for ellie jane."

(you can hear a few minutes of some "demo" recordings on their facebook page, and you can see a few more photos from our day together over on my flickr.)

begin

pieces of fall through my lens

crunch, crinkle, crunch, crunch,
her decade-long companion cowboy boots along for the excursion,
she stoops to gather one of each color
(brick red, goldenrod, carrot, sunset)
and tucks them into the bigger than her hand pocket of her grandfather's brown cardigan.
she pauses at a pile in the middle of the park.
twirls once to check for onlookers,
and finds herself crosslegged with a smile.
breathing deeply, she rests in the knowledge:
autumn is her spring.

*****

each season, i am creating a limited edition necklace that honors the colors, smells, textures of that season. the necklace is paired with a poem and a word (the poem's title) that shares a sliver of one moment in that season. (read more about the origins of this series here.)

today, i am introducing begin: a necklace inspired by one girl's walk in a park along puget sound on a day when she could almost hear the leaves as they turned away from green and began to dance with color.

you can find begin in my etsy shop; it will be available for just two weeks (and possibly again in late October).