eight things (plus one) i have thought about in the last hour or so.

it rains here. sometimes it rains here a lot. (like right now as the rain is pounding the roof.)

i might have had my least stressful holiday ever this thanksgiving. (good food, great company, napping, laughter, no yelling or pouting or disappointment or...how the list goes on.)

if i spend most of a day putting together a jigsaw puzzle, i will try to finish it in my sleep. (but i won't be successful as the puzzle in my dreams looks nothing like the puzzle on my living room table.)

i do like walking in circles. (even though i took a break for a little while, i didn't forget how. well, this helps.)

i wish my friend heather lived here. i miss her terribly. (millie misses her too.) i want her to move in across the street. (or at least win the lottery so she can visit more often...or have a second house here...or something. at least we know we are going to move to the same city when we retire. we haven't lived in the same city ever really. except boarding school but we weren't really friends then so it doesn't count.)

i want to stop the need to explain or fill up empty space with explanation. (i found myself doing this in a phone conversation today. it was odd. and it left me feeling kind of odd.)

when the house is clean, i feel lighter. (and am more likely to decorate for christmas.)

i am really good at planning trips to WDW. (when you are planning your next one, we should talk. seriously. i am really really good at it.)

i am really hungry and just can't stand the thought of having more leftovers for dinner or anything containing turkey or potatoes. (pizza and beer anyone?)

plus one (because i thought about this after choosing a picture for this post):

i love it when i can smell oranges on my fingers. like i can right now. because i had an orange a bit ago. (still hungry though.)

growth.

We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.

Anais Nin

i wear handmade {self-portrait challenge}

late afternoon with millie, 20 november 2007

estella necklace by jen, birdhouse pendant by stephanie, mitts by jmaccknit, my little black dress (in grey) by treehouse 28

hat by jmaccknit and earrings by sulu

i am enjoying bringing more and more handmade items into my wardrobe. shopping more on etsy and at art+craft fairs and less in the big box stores.

it feels more like me to wear these pieces...

i took the handmade pledge a week weeks back, which means i am giving only handmade gifts for the holidays this year and asking for handmade gifts.

so lots of time spent on etsy...i mean a lot of time spent on etsy.

some new favorites (these are all in the "made by yarn" category):

these mitts
this capelet
and this capelet
this hat
this blooming brooch
this apple jacket

one idea i want to pass on to you is to check out the favorites of other etsy folks. you can find their lists right in the sidebar of their shops or in their profiles. even if you don't have an etsy shop, you can create a profile and start adding items and shops to your favorites, and then you can share the link to your favorites with your loved ones so that they know what you might want this holiday season...go on...buy (and ask for) some handmade gifts...

posing, 20 november 2007

i took so many photos today, that by the time i posed for this one i was cracking up at the oddity of taking self-portraits...thought it might resonate with some of you...

oh and see what others are wearing here

a selma quilt (for your neck)

Selma and me, 1977

I remember sitting on the guest bed, my fingers tracing stitching, patches of fabric, and yarn ties, my eyes searching the quilt my great-grandmother made for my brother when he was born. There it is. I found the fabric, my favorite pattern, the "I can't believe Great-Grandma even knows what this is" fabric. I would look at each log cabin square, trying to imagine what a large piece of these slivers of fabric would look like. The one I always searched for? Smurfs. Yes, smurfs. A quilt for a boy in the eighties would have of course contained such fabric.

This memory came to me as I sewed this scarf a few weeks ago. I have sewn a few more lately...

the stepping outside into the first snowfall scarf

And, as I sew these patchwork scarves, I think about you...I think about you sitting on the train after work, waiting in the car for your children after school, sitting under a maple tree writing in your journal, reading blogs while everyone else is asleep, standing in line at the grocery store, sipping tea in your studio, resting by a creek, knitting in your favorite leather chair...I think about you tracing your finger over each stitch and each patch of fabric...I think of you searching. There it is.

the autumn is my spring scarf

(I have put a few of these Selma scarves in the shop.)

five {my sacred life}

on friday, we celebrated five years of marriage. it feels like a very big deal, in a very good way. as i wrote out the card i gave jon, i was thinking about how much fun we had during our wedding ceremony. yes, i said fun. about two minutes after i got to the front of the church, we looked at each other with this understanding that we were getting to the good part. i recall standing there and just soaking it all up. i wanted to remember everything. and somehow i was able to observe it all happening while being very present.

the planning of our wedding was a bit (okay more than a bit) stressful. for lots of reasons. and to get to this part, the beginning of us, was such a reward for all that stress.

so we had fun. so much fun. and we felt the love of family and friends and community. and all the special moments, the little touches that were so important to me, made a difference in making it what it was meant to be. i loved that day.

today, we are at the good part. the hard, crazy, painful, beautiful, amazing good part. the part that stretches you more than ever dreamed you could stretch. the part that forces you to look inward when you would rather look out. the part that reminds you of all that is good about love and truth. the part that has you wondering and believing. the good part. the part where you remember why you said yes to possibility and yes to hope and yes to one another. the part where you reach out your hand and know someone will be there to hold you.

(visit other sacred sundays here)

*******

and i want to say today: thank you...all of you...for your comments and emails. your kindness fills my heart up with all that is good. bless you.

tonight...

tonight, i spent hours looking through etsy shops for christmas presents. there are so many wonderful things to be found. and, suddenly i found a shop with these delightful polymer clay pendants and pins and such...and there it was. the perfect christmas gift for you. a hummingbird. i almost clicked to add it to my shopping cart. but, then i remembered. you are gone. and the sucker-punching wave of grief crashed onto me. this is how it works. i forget for just a second. because most of the time i really really remember. but sometimes, i will forget for just this one little moment and it will seem like you are here and that i might just call you tomorrow to tell you all about my day and hear about the birds at your feeder and how grandpa drives you just a bit crazy and how you are looking forward to seeing my mom for thanksgiving and how you plan to send me money to buy the ornaments this year because you are too tired to go out of the house. and you will laugh when i tell you that i actually cooked dinner tonight because you always ask me what i plan to make my husband and i usually sputter some answer about how he cooks or that we plan to get sushi again. but this time i will be able to say that i actually made stew and we sat at the table and drank wine and talked. and then we can talk about how i am planning on buying only handmade christmas gifts this year and that i found the perfect one for you, but you will have to wait until next month to see what it is. and then you will say that it has been so long since you have seen me at christmas and that you are wondering if jon and i might think about coming to see you and gramps. and then i will say that would be really wonderful and we can have a quiet christmas just the four of us. and it will be just like when we went to myrtle beach and it was like two couples on vacation together. and i remember sitting on the balcony next to you while you did the crossword and i was looking out at the ocean thinking about how lucky i am because how many girls are there in the world who have been married for a few months and take their new husband on a vacation with their grandparents who have been married for 57 years and yet have the best time together. and i remember turning and looking at you and smiling. and now, as i sit here in this quiet house with candles burning and rain pushing against the roof, i can see you in my mind and because i am listening so closely to the voice that lives in my heart i hear your laughter and your words and i know. i know. i know...but i guess i also just need you to know how much i miss you and i miss the idea of you and all that could have been and all that was. so i am going to sit here for a little while and just pretend that you are still here and that i am going to call in the morning as i put the tea kettle on and then, as i begin to spread peanut butter on my toast, i will hear you say that you are hoping we might come for christmas this year. and i will be surprised because you seldom ask for anything but i will say yes, i think that is a wonderful idea, and when i hang up the phone i will smile widely because i know i will see you in a few short weeks…i am just going to sit here for a few minutes and pretend.

reframing and some (really) good things

i have noticed that several folks out there have started posting their "five really good things" every week. (in fact, i decided to google it and found that there are a handful of bloggers i don't even know who probably don't know me who are sharing theirs). and, it seems that miss geek girl is posting them on wednesdays as she blogs every single day of this month (you bloggers doing that are inspiring me each day this month). how i love reading everyone's lists. and it is so fun how one little post can start an idea. and how people suddenly are posting and have no idea where it all began yet they are spending time in the goodness of their lives. it is beautiful. in fact, it is a really good thing.

lately, i have been spending time thinking about the idea of reframing. how we can be faced with something not so great for whatever reason and that the moment all depends on how we choose to look at it and react. we make these choices daily.

i believe that how we react to the world around us and the people in this world and the "stuff" that happens "to" us is one of the few things we can control. it is pretty powerful to realize that you can change how you walk in this life and to realize that really you are the only one who can. i know i am preaching to the choir here, but i also believe that this is something we so often forget. we are quick to blame others or we do not want to think something can change or we blame ourselves and spend time in place instead of in action and on and on.

last week, when i wrote my second "five really good things" post, i had had a really super crappy day. a day that was filled with some unexpected (yet expected) stuff that unexpectedly brought up some shit from my childhood. some shit that involved shame and guilt and feeling forgotten. you know, the good stuff that can really turn a day upside down*.

and, i wanted to write something on my blog that night, though i couldn't think of anything i wanted to share, so i decided to write a "good things" list...and then i reread my list after i posted it and found myself taking a deep breath and letting it out with a loud, audible sigh. then, i went to bed.

and when i woke up, things had shifted. just a bit. i had reframed the day. just a bit.

on thursday, the stuff came up again after a phone call. i called a friend and ugly cried over the phone. that really ugly snot crying. and then i calmed down for about two hours and then i took a shower and did it all over again. while in the shower though, i started thinking about how i could reframe this. a friend had emailed me on tuesday that since this was something i was going to be dealing with for a bit, i needed to figure out a way to not let it become this big each time.

so as i stood in the shower with my forehead against the wall, i started thinking about the little girl and what she would have needed in the moments that were coming up for me. i thought about writing her a letter, but then i realized that i didn't know how to tell her that it would be okay. it felt empty to try to do this. but as i thought about how she might look at me if i were to walk back into time, she might wonder who was going to help her, and i thought i couldn't. but i realize that i am. the choices i am making now, from the ones related to this experience to the ones i am making each day, i am helping that little girl because, of course, that little girl is indeed me.

this realization did bring a down on the knees crying in the shower moment, but it also brought the beginning of a shift. a reframing. i am rescuing myself.

and in realizing this, things shifted just a bit more.

no matter how big or small these needs are, it is, well, it is huge to realize that you are reframing things to honor you are helping yourself. you are healing yourself. you are LIVING in your life. huge.

so, i do think that taking time to think about the really good things is one necessary way, for me, to recognize the goodness - whether i need to reframe things or not on any given day, in any given moment.

five really good things. november 14.

1) millie and her new bed. stuffies are her favorite toys, and when we found this bed at ikea, we knew she had to have it as it is like one big stuffie. she is a nester. and when she sighs right before she goes to sleep, as she did several times today, well, my heart expands just a bit.

2) wearing hand/arm/wrist warmers. i tend to get cold, and they are the perfect thing to wear while editing, blogging, sewing, writing, taking pictures outside...well, they are perfect for all that i do i guess.

3) stopping everything for a moment this evening to listen to the rain drop onto the roof.

4) drinking an apple izze.

5) having my own "it's after 11 and the house is quiet" dance/lip syncing party to marc broussard's song "home" with my ipod tucked into my pocket.

what are your five really good things? put words to them. i dare you. do it. right now.

*and the truth is, i wouldn't be me without a disclaimer. i know it sounds like i might be talking about some deep dark secrets in this post. but the truth is, what happened last week wasn't about secrets. shame can come from a lot of experiences...and although this one might not seem big to some, it was really, really big to me. and i guess i never looked at it. funny how life hands you the chance to do just that twenty years later. and i feel really blessed that i sobbed my way through it and found my breath again and feel stronger than i have in a year.

current uniform, week two {self-portrait challenge}

when the day demands a change from flannel, you can usually find me in jeans, a sweater coat, a t-shirt, and some comfortable slip-on shoes.

i think that the sweater coat invites a sense of coziness and safety and warmth. all good things when the air is chilly and the day is winnie-the-pooh blustery.

(i can't believe that i once wore pantyhose and suits and heels to work every day. today, i am so lucky.)

see more self-portraits here