i have noticed that several folks out there have started posting their "five really good things" every week. (in fact, i decided to google it and found that there are a handful of bloggers i don't even know who probably don't know me who are sharing theirs). and, it seems that miss geek girl is posting them on wednesdays as she blogs every single day of this month (you bloggers doing that are inspiring me each day this month). how i love reading everyone's lists. and it is so fun how one little post can start an idea. and how people suddenly are posting and have no idea where it all began yet they are spending time in the goodness of their lives. it is beautiful. in fact, it is a really good thing.
lately, i have been spending time thinking about the idea of reframing. how we can be faced with something not so great for whatever reason and that the moment all depends on how we choose to look at it and react. we make these choices daily.
i believe that how we react to the world around us and the people in this world and the "stuff" that happens "to" us is one of the few things we can control. it is pretty powerful to realize that you can change how you walk in this life and to realize that really you are the only one who can. i know i am preaching to the choir here, but i also believe that this is something we so often forget. we are quick to blame others or we do not want to think something can change or we blame ourselves and spend time in place instead of in action and on and on.
last week, when i wrote my second "five really good things" post, i had had a really super crappy day. a day that was filled with some unexpected (yet expected) stuff that unexpectedly brought up some shit from my childhood. some shit that involved shame and guilt and feeling forgotten. you know, the good stuff that can really turn a day upside down*.
and, i wanted to write something on my blog that night, though i couldn't think of anything i wanted to share, so i decided to write a "good things" list...and then i reread my list after i posted it and found myself taking a deep breath and letting it out with a loud, audible sigh. then, i went to bed.
and when i woke up, things had shifted. just a bit. i had reframed the day. just a bit.
on thursday, the stuff came up again after a phone call. i called a friend and ugly cried over the phone. that really ugly snot crying. and then i calmed down for about two hours and then i took a shower and did it all over again. while in the shower though, i started thinking about how i could reframe this. a friend had emailed me on tuesday that since this was something i was going to be dealing with for a bit, i needed to figure out a way to not let it become this big each time.
so as i stood in the shower with my forehead against the wall, i started thinking about the little girl and what she would have needed in the moments that were coming up for me. i thought about writing her a letter, but then i realized that i didn't know how to tell her that it would be okay. it felt empty to try to do this. but as i thought about how she might look at me if i were to walk back into time, she might wonder who was going to help her, and i thought i couldn't. but i realize that i am. the choices i am making now, from the ones related to this experience to the ones i am making each day, i am helping that little girl because, of course, that little girl is indeed me.
this realization did bring a down on the knees crying in the shower moment, but it also brought the beginning of a shift. a reframing. i am rescuing myself.
and in realizing this, things shifted just a bit more.
no matter how big or small these needs are, it is, well, it is huge to realize that you are reframing things to honor you are helping yourself. you are healing yourself. you are LIVING in your life. huge.
so, i do think that taking time to think about the really good things is one necessary way, for me, to recognize the goodness - whether i need to reframe things or not on any given day, in any given moment.
five really good things. november 14.
1) millie and her new bed. stuffies are her favorite toys, and when we found this bed at ikea, we knew she had to have it as it is like one big stuffie. she is a nester. and when she sighs right before she goes to sleep, as she did several times today, well, my heart expands just a bit.
2) wearing hand/arm/wrist warmers. i tend to get cold, and they are the perfect thing to wear while editing, blogging, sewing, writing, taking pictures outside...well, they are perfect for all that i do i guess.
3) stopping everything for a moment this evening to listen to the rain drop onto the roof.
4) drinking an apple izze.
5) having my own "it's after 11 and the house is quiet" dance/lip syncing party to marc broussard's song "home" with my ipod tucked into my pocket.
what are your five really good things? put words to them. i dare you. do it. right now.
*and the truth is, i wouldn't be me without a disclaimer. i know it sounds like i might be talking about some deep dark secrets in this post. but the truth is, what happened last week wasn't about secrets. shame can come from a lot of experiences...and although this one might not seem big to some, it was really, really big to me. and i guess i never looked at it. funny how life hands you the chance to do just that twenty years later. and i feel really blessed that i sobbed my way through it and found my breath again and feel stronger than i have in a year.