a day in april {poetry thursday}

this was not the poem i intended to share today. on this day, of all days. another year has passed.

but this is the poem that came out of me after sitting with some feelings for the last day. this is, in many ways, all of who i am today.

I cannot apologize

I imagine you
scared of her hand
her scissor-like words
her black truth
I imagine the little you
in a corner
willing yourself
into a quiet ball
of little breath

If the person I am
the one who might not want a baby
but is open to the whisper
that a child might be alive
today
and need a home
if the person I am now
knew
that ball
of endless fear
I would shift the world
to bring you here

To bring you
to a room with yellow walls
and endless shoes
and corners filled with pillows
I would bring you
to safe joy
and a circus of laughter
as we jump on the bed
I would teach you
all she taught me
with her gentle hand
quiet knowledge
and world of color

finding the gems in the midst of a post-artfest pout/slump/bout with loneliness

this is a picture from the time kelly and i spent on the beach in port townsend before checking in at artfest. the day was incredibly beautiful and warm and sunny. we had this gorgeous weather for almost the entire time we were there. how lucky we were as the pacific northwest can be a bit fickle this time of year when it comes to sharing beautiful days.

i had such a good time with kelly. we spent almost a week together and were with one another almost the entire time, other than when we were in our respective workshops. she really is one of the most amazing people i know. her caring, generous spirit and open nature teach me something new all the time. i am lucky to call her my friend.

i have been absent from my blog more than i would like over the last few weeks, and i could list several reasons. in these last few days, though, part of the reason is because i have found myself in a bit of a funk. this funk came to a head today as the rain turned to hail and the wind blew and blew. my husband called to find out if he should pick anything up for dinner and i ended up picking a fight for no reason at all. my excuse, “i just feel lonely.” odd, i know.

tonight though, i am finding some gems in the midst of my pout and am trying to give myself permission to just let the pout go to settle into the goodness.

a friend called on her drive home from work just to see how i am doing.

jon made tacos, which does make me really happy. i felt my spirits lift a bit after i had food in my belly.

i felt the creative spirit in me dance a bit this evening…just for a moment…inviting me to begin to have fun again (i think it has been resting since artfest – just plain tuckered out as they say).

i finished the scarf i was crocheting (it is my third. i am in love with double crochet) and even though it didn’t look like there was enough yarn left to finish one more long row (i crocheted it long-ways…or however, you say it), there totally was…with a few inches to spare!

my husband grew a beard while i was at artfest and during his spring break last week. this weekend, i asked him to shave it into a goatee for fun and he has totally kept it. it cracks me up in the best of ways because he just looks so adorable. i love it.

i decided it is really okay if my website is not perfect by my deadline for myself (which was my oddly chosen date of april 10, which is, in fact a tuesday, and that simply does not work at all…so i will in fact get it done whenever the heck i can).

i spent time looking at the workshops for artfiberfest. because the best way to get over your post-artfest funk is to look forward to the next time you can get together with such amazing, creative, kind-hearted, wonderful folks!

my cheeks are hurting so much from laughing at this random show i found tonight. it’s called “thank god you’re here” and it is a sketch-comedy show on nbc. it is pretty silly but seems to be just what the doctor ordered as one cannot be a grumpybutt when one is laughing until one’s cheeks hurt.

i allowed myself to remember that i have a choice to make about how i spend each moment. that it is okay to waste some time watching bad tv, but that i do not want to give myself permission to waste away all the moments when the loneliness creeps in. no, that is not the choice i want to make. i know there is much i feel called to do. and that the time to begin is now.

how are you pulling yourself out of the moments of pouting or funkiness in which you might find yourself lately?

the gifts

i believe that creating heals
paint across canvas
fabric stitched together
charcoal to paper
words to a screen
all of it
with each moment spent creating, brainstorming, writing, the heart fills with beauty, joy, truth...and as it fills, the heart cracks heal a bit.

this is the unexpected gift spring now gives me. tonight, as i think about the anniversary of my grandmother's death next week, i am once again grateful for the gift that a community of like-minded, open-minded, incredible, hilarious, gorgeous people gave me at artfest. this gift that is healing. and as i spent time in that community of people and pushed myself to connect, i found myself remembering my way back to the beauty of healing. remembering my way back to laughter. and, i also remembered my way back to words and the power of words and connection.

as i sit here sleepy-eyed in my little room tonight, i can hear the kind words of so many women. encouragement. affection. truth. teasing. honesty. i can hear the echo of their laughter inside my head.

i am grateful for the many gifts i received while in port townsend. from others, from myself, from the world around me.

thank you.

quite the day...and another poem

I have so much I want to say about ArtFest...I am getting to it, I promise...

Today has been a day full of work and catching up but also a really scary moment. This morning, Jon and I took Kelly to the airport (we really had the most wonderful time together, Kelly and me; I can't wait to put all my thoughts and emotions into words soon). Driving home from the airport, we were quite startled by the sudden shattering of the driver's side window. We were on the highway traveling somewhere between 60 and 70 miles per hour when this bang of shattered glass fell on Jon. He was cool as can be though and just kept driving, not swerving even a bit. After we determined he was not hurt (and confirming that neither one of us had been shot because that was truly the first thing both of us thought), we went home to clean the glass off Jon and get the other car and then were off to Speedy Glass for repairs. It took me about two hours to breathe normally though.

So editing some education courses today was a welcome distraction from that crazy morning. And, as I said in a comment to my new dear friend Judy, though my head was filled wtih business math and criminology today, my heart is full of joy that is ArtFest.

Another poem inspired by Susan's poemcrazy class and Poetry Thursday's daily prompts in April (today's was spiral):

I am arching toward blue
I am atop the weeping willow
I am the ease of laughter through an open window
I am the space between the sun and the sound
I am inside the spiraled pink petals
I am beneath the dusting of dew
I am the balance of grief and spring
I am the crystallized truth
I am hidden
I am light
I am breath
I am burning

a new word

my eyes are so heavy and i can honestly not believe that i am not in bed. here is the reason why: i simply had to write a poem.

i took susan wooldridge's poemcrazy class on thursday and i have an energy around writing that is filling me up to a near-bursting level of joy (though, i assure you that if you were sitting here with me you might question that as i have been a bit grumpy all afternoon).

this draft of a poem was inspired by a necklace i bought from nina bagley at vendor night (i can't wait to show you a picture of the necklace soon). in susan's class, she gave us the prompt of "the ______ says." so tonight, i played with that prompt and wrote this:

the bird says

this morning
I awoke to an open door

as I pondered its purpose
stagnate years
whirled
around me
until
with ginger steps
and breath
I unfurled and
grasped the space

this evening
I am uncaged

a reminder...

a little piece i made recently for a friend...inspired by a conversation with kelly.

artfest prep is going strong here in the little room. still have to finish my pieces for the gallery and organize my supplies...and...and pack. eek! kelly is here checking her email and we are laughing and solving the problems of the world (already).

some close ups of "show up"

senses. backyard spring.

{touch}

{taste}

{see}

{hear}

{smell}

{and know}

join me for tea?

I am sitting in my little room drinking some tea and wishing you (all of you) were here. If you were, this is what I would tell you…

I am sleepy and ready for bed. I have hit this wall with some things but know that I must just keep going. Just keep going. I am making several sets of prayer flags, some small, some larger, for the shop I hope to have ready to go in mid-april. I am also working on my website and have to say that it is harder than it seems. I need to write an “about” page. But maybe I can just have something little for now. I need someone to take pictures of me, good pictures, of me working in my little room. I want to capture creating in action. But we need some better light up here in the pacific northwest where spring gave us quite the tease yesterday as I had all my windows open and the sky was blue but today it was gray again and I could not take one decent picture. Though I tried. I went to a flea market on saturday and found vintage hankies. It was de-light-full. Jon was so great taking one trip to the car after I bought this super old fan with blue ostrich feathers. yep. Don’t think two people didn’t ask me if I was going to do a fan dance with it. Oh yes. They did. I smiled. Nope. I am gonna make some kind of art piece out of it. Me. The girl with blue wings. I love it. And I love the linens I bought along with all the gorgeous hankies. I wish we could have an afternoon of sewing and crafting and crocheting. Oh crocheting! I finished my first crocheted scarf. It is kind of my second, but the first is too short and doesn’t really look all that good. But with this second one, I got the double-crochet thing down. Makes me so happy. I will take a picture and show it off. I kind of did my own thing as I decided to create a border of double-crochet all the way around. I wasn’t sure if I could do that…but I did it all the same. My next project should probably be knitting, but I had so much fun with this that I want to crochet some more. Eventually, I want to make a blanket – a ripple blanket ala Alicia over at posie gets cozy. I think that might be my summer project. Need a yarn stash though. Was thinking that it might be fun to do some swaps for things like that and was wishing I had gotten in on the swap over at create a connection as I think it is a craft/art supply swap this month. After artfest and after my shop is up, it would be fun to do some swaps. I cannot wait until artfest. Kelly and I keep have been emailing about our panic levels. I am at about a 7.5 tonight as I did not accomplish one thing toward artfest today. Nope. I need to finish four little gifty things, get my supplies for my classes (luckily I don’t need many and mostly just need to get together what I already have in my house), and organize my trades. Not to mention, I have to decide what clothes to wear. For some reason, this is weighing on me this year. Silly. I know. I need to breathe my way into a 4 on the panic scale so I can get some sleep. One thing that is inviting me to feel super excited though is that a) Alexandra is going to stay with us tomorrow night…can’t wait to see her and laugh and laugh (and am glad she is a dear friend and won’t mind my big messiness of a house and b) tomorrow also brings the brochure for artfiberfest. I have never been but I plan to go this year. As Teesha says on her site, it is the little sister of artfest. And because I have gotten myself neck deep into the world of fiber and sewing and all this fun stuff, I can’t wait to see what workshops will be offered. I can’t wait. Thinking about all this stuff, this crafty + artsy stuff has continued to give me a break from the invited hyperventilation that is always in the back of my mind. Next month, I will head back to the Midwest for a couple of days. Again, part of the “thing I am not really blogging about that is affecting me” thing I mentioned a few weeks ago. I am overwhelmed to say the least. But a friend has reminded me to find my way to the mantra of “be present, be here” and that is helping. (thank you friend) I am trying to stay in this moment instead of fastforwarding or even rewinding for that matter. And on a funny note, as long as rottentomatoes.com doesn’t give it a major splat, Jon and I kinda want to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles this weekend. Yep. I loved those guys when my brother was little and loved them and we would watch the TV show and movies together. Turtles in a half shell. Turtle power. I love those guys. This weekend, I watched the entire second season of The L Word. Crap. That is a good show. I was doing other stuff, like cutting and pasting and sewing and crocheting and stuff. It wasn’t that many hours…okay, it was. And it was g.o.o.d. Those girls are damn sexy. Oh and my moo cards came in the mail. I. love. them. They are the cutest things ever. And a perfect little business card when you don't yet have business cards! Okay, I think that’s all I have…

Now it’s your turn…how have you been?