courage = trust + fear

I’ve been thinking about words this week. I suppose this is because in Poem It Out, we are gathering lots of words to add to our creative toolbox to help us when we face the blank page. And there is nothing quite like a long list of gathered words to inspire some poetry. And then there are the words I hammer into metal, so those words, in the form of soul mantras, are often on my mind.

This week, as I gathered up an "I am Brave" locket to send out into the world, I started thinking about a conversation I had with a friend last month. She asked me to define brave. Because we were texting, I was pushed to get to the point, so I wrote:

Brave = faith + trust
Brave = holding hands with fear

I started tearing up after I pressed "send" because it felt like I had been waiting for those words for a long time, as though I needed permission to admit that I know being brave, standing tall in your courage, means standing side-by-side with fear and trusting anyway. It isn't about leaving fear behind. It is about knowing it is there and still choosing trust.

As I write this, I am sitting on my red couch in the middle of my little home while everyone is still asleep and the house has cooled off just enough to feel comfortable. And as I sit here, I literally feel as though I am sandwiched between “fear” and “trust,” and I'm wearing a t-shirt that says "courage" as I admit to myself that they wlll be house guests for a very long time. 

This week, we have been lowering the doses of Ellie’s medication and tomorrow she will have her last dose (at least for now). This is the medication she has been on three times a day for more than two years. The medication that regulates her heart rhythm. The medication that saved her life. The medication that has really driven the train that is our family’s daily world.

This is really good news.

This means that we are at the point where we think it is very possible that she has outgrown both of her heart rhythm “issues” and won’t need to be on the medication any more. 

The only way we can know this is to take her off of the medication and wait to see what happens.

Twice so far I’ve almost called her cardiologist to say, “I’m not ready.”

But of course, it isn’t about me. It isn’t about how ready I am. It is about a little girl. It is about letting go of knowing. It is about trust.

For several months we've been in a holding pattern with her weight. Wanting her to get bigger to literally grow out of this arrhythmia; speculating she isn’t getting much bigger because the medication affects her appetite. So this is the next step.

And we wait.

And while we wait, she just keeps teaching us as she dances and runs ahead of us and lives a life punctuated with yes.

And I tuck trust and fear into my pocket and take a breath and exhale a forcefield of courage around all of us.

a moving studio sale

Over here I am getting ready for a big move: we are converting the garage into my studio/office space this month. We begin this weekend and will be working on it for the rest of the month! Everything is going into boxes and will stay there for a while, which means my Etsy shop will be closed for a few weeks.

As I've been cleaning and organizing, I've uncovered a few Soul Mantra necklaces, lockets,bracelets, and earrings that are now in the shop. This week, I hope you will help me clear the way for new creations I'll be making in my new space, so I'm having a sale.

Use coupon code AUGUST20 for 20% off everything in the shop through midnight on Wednesday, 8/8.

To use the code, just click on "Apply coupon code" above the "item total" column when you check out and then enter the code.

And I look forward to sharing photos of our adventure into this new studio space over the next few weeks. (Something tells me it is going to get a bit crazy around here!)

full of ease

 

a reminder i needed today. maybe you need it too. 

xo,
liz

*****

For more little reminders and love notes like this one, sign up for my weekly newsletter (where I also share stories of my real, true adventures in self-care and living with my heart open).

home. savoring.

backyard blanket fun

the sound of millie walking through the halls

the feel of my own pillow under my cheek

the happy pink flowers still blooming in pots

being part of Hannah's The Joy Up (still a bit of time to join us)

watching the olympics

just enough shade and slight breeze to stay cool when it's hot

unexpectedly finding peanut m&ms in the cupboard

huge juicy sweet local strawberries

poetry being shared in a safe, open space

ideas flowing while flying and unable to grab a pen but still remembering them hours later

finding a space of ease between us

watching her sniff the peppers, squash, tomatoes, and mushrooms and then put them back without taking a bite (we hadn't purchased them yet, so this was a good move)

knowing that in a few weeks i will be unpacking my creative world into a new studio space

***

i saw a note on facebook this weekend about how sometimes social media can invite us to feel like we aren't doing enough cool things or hanging out with enough cool people and so on. i get this; i really do. but that feeling that comes up, i believe what we do with it is a choice.

today, i invite you to just make a list of what you are savoring or what you love in your home or your favorite moments from the last week. just make a simple list and let go of comparing and just notice and choose to live inside this moment...

nourish (over at chickadee road)

This month, Kelly and I are exploring this question over at Chickadee Road. Head over to this post to share the ways you nourish yourself with all of us circling over there. We give each other such a gift when we share our stories and create space to learn from one another. Throughout the month we'll be sharing stories, recipes, guest posts, and other things inspired by this theme and we hope you'll come along.

why retreat (with kimberly kalil)

Today, I am sharing another post in a new series of guest posts from a few of the ladies who have attended my retreats over the last few years. My hope is that these posts will give you a glimpse into the Be Present Retreats and invite you to realize the importance of taking time away from your daily life to recharge, connect with your kindreds, and rekindle your creativity.

Please welcome my kindred Kimberly today. She saved the day at the first Your Story Retreat when she literally put out a kitchen fire. But more than being a superhero in the true sense, she is also a wise, real person willing to share her story so that others will learn they are not alone. I am honored to share her words with you today.

***

She screams.
Spinning, a fiery top, out of control.
She gasps.
Unable to breath. Smothered by the anger.
She melts.
Fear and sorrow oozing from her feverish abyss.
She hopes.
Palms raised, she reaches out
She believes.
Grasping for light, reverie bound.
She screams.

-She Screams, by Kimberly Kalil
Written post retreat

At the start of 2011, I didn’t eat organic.

I didn’t do yoga.

I didn’t meditate.

I couldn’t write a poem to save my life.   

I wouldn’t even call myself creative.

Looking over the Your Story Retreat description the idea of “daily group gatherings that explore meditation, ritual, and everyday sacredness as ways to be more present in your daily life,” seemed absolutely foreign to me. In fact, it seemed downright nutty. I was raised by staunchly Republican, highly religious and ultra-conservative parents. My dad hunts. He slaughters the cows he raises. And there is never any talk of Zen, Buddha or anything equally as exotic or hippie-esque.

Though I’m many years removed from my parents’ home, my upbringing colors many of the decisions I make as an adult. I’d like to think of myself as somewhat progressive and open-minded, but there are times I’m downright small-town. You can take the girl out of the conservative, but you can’t take the conservative out of the girl.

 

Signing up for the Your Story Retreat was a leap of faith. I’m not sure what prompted me to do so, other than a desperate need to find a place in the world where I could unload my aching heart. My marriage was on the rocks. Not kind of sort on the rocks, but moments away from imploding. There was rarely a day that went by that I didn’t cry. I was turning into an angry, bitter person. I had no patience and the anger I had for my husband was seeping into every aspect of my life. I was a ticking time bomb often exploding at the most inopportune times and at people who didn’t deserve my wrath, namely my children.

On the opening night of my first Your Story Retreat I broke down in tears. Liz asked us to share a bit about ourselves and why we were there. I couldn’t articulate why I was there. I couldn’t tell the group the shame, anger and isolation I felt. All I could do was cry -- big, gulping, messy tears. My whole body shook as I let go and with tears streaming down my cheeks the most amazing thing happened:  around the circle arms opened, hearts reached for me and nurturing began. I was welcomed into a tribe of amazing, strong and loving women.

My tribe told me I was awesome. They told me I was brave. The convinced me I was strong enough to make the changes that really mattered. Each word spoken was folded up and placed in the sacred space around my heart.

Over the course of the weekend my soul was fed. At some point, I heard the following words:

“We always have a choice. It’s easy to believe we are stuck. But we all have choices … It’s your story. You can write your own story. ”

I went home a different person. I was still angry. My marriage was still in jeopardy. I still felt like a major failure. But I realized that I had to take charge of my life. There was only one way for me to get better -- if I wanted to fix my family, fix my husband or fix my life -- I had to fix me.

I became a runner.

I changed my diet.

I lost 35 pounds.

I started writing more and taking on creative projects that made me happy.

I started saying no.

I moved on and left behind the things that didn’t bring me joy. At one point that included the idea of being married and making “things” work.

Magically, being the change I wanted in the world worked to bring change not just to me, but to my husband, my family and others around me.

My marriage isn’t on the rocks anymore. My relationship with my husband is better than it’s ever been.

I yell at my children less and enjoy the benefits of greater patience.

I laugh more. A lot more.

I still don’t eat organic, though I’d like to try.

I don’t do yoga, though I’m sure it would help me.

I try to mediate, though I haven’t made it a daily practice.

Sometimes I write poetry, but it still feels less me and more forced.

But, what I am is someone in charge of her own story. Each day, I wake up and I decide how my day will unfold; I decided how to react to my challenges; I decide if I will seek joy; and I decided what matters.  Before I met Liz, I felt hopeless and out of control. Today, I know I’m at the helm of my life and my story.

This is why I retreat. 

Kimberly Kalil is a mom to two precious kiddos; wife to one cool dude; busy traveling consultant; crafter; digital memory keeper; and seeker of all things creative. She and her family make their home in Southern Arizona amid the cacti and javalinas. She’s all about the hot, dry weather of the desert – the hotter the better. 

Kimberly blogs regularly about her life, memory keeping endeavors, and creative projects at www.kimberlykalil.com. Each Monday she shares a piece of digital art she created and you can download it for free in 2012.

Read other posts in the Why Retreat series here.

***

A note from Liz: This September, Mindy Lacefield, Kelly Barton, and I are working together to create an incredible adventure in the Pacific Northwest. Kelly and Mindy will be co-teaching a three-day juicy, soulful painting workshop, and I will share some of my favorite creative self-care practices through mini creative adventures in topics like poetry, self-portraiture, meditation, and a few other good things. Find out more about the Unearth Retreat over here.

here

farmer's market flowers

here: a little girl plays with cousins and giggles and runs and plays with sidewalk chalk and seems to feel at home

here: the familiar roads of my childhood

here: watermelon as a late-night snack

here: middle-of-the-night thunder cracking, lightning across the sky storm

here: we are all reminded that we exist because of those who came before us

here: "you could almost slice a knife through it" humidity and a sun that seems warmer

here: sleeping in

here: a first time in a kiddie pool, a first blanket fort, a first popsicle

here: simple moments

poem it out starts monday

A quick reminder that Poem It Out begins Monday and there is still time to join in for five weeks of poems + poetry + a few photography/self-portrait adventures.

What does it mean to POEM IT OUT? 

Life hands us so much. Our brains and bodies become so filled with information and worry and uncertainty and beauty and joy and silliness and loneliness that we can sometimes feel empty. 

And when I need to fill the well within, I turn up Mumford & Sons and dance in circles until I feel only my heartbeat. I take a self-portrait to remind myself I am not disappearing. I call a friend. I sit and just try to breathe. I eat a dark chocolate peanut butter cup from Trader Joe’s.

But when I really need to clear my mind and reboot, I poem it out.

I read a poem to feel less alone and less crazy and more in love with this moment right here and the world around me. I pull Mary Oliver, Sharon Olds, or William Stafford from my bookshelf and read out loud until the rhythm of their words quiets my breathing and I feel space within again. 

I turn to the blank page to write a poem to unearth the moments that make up all of who I am and where I have been and what I have seen. Sometimes I try to drill right down to the truth and the pain and the beauty so that I will not forget. Other times, I just write a few words that make me happy and bring in lightness and silliness and remind me of my grandmother’s laughter. 

When I poem it out, I find my way back to me.

Find out more about Poem It Out and register here.