show up as me

At the beginning of my Create Space ecourse, I ask the students to claim an intention for themselves as they begin. I practice this with them, and in the Fall class, my intention was "show up as me." This weekend, I have been thinking about what I wrote about this intention: 

This is my intention because, at times, I can get so distracted by my whirling mind and the shoulds and the "who does she think she is" gremlins and wishing for more time and the comparisons to others and how the list goes on. Knowing these things about me has gently pushed me to focus on just showing up as me and trusting myself more as I do this. 

I have been thinking about these words because I have been thinking about how really leaning into wholeness might affect my blog and how I blog. When I come to this space, I do show up as me. However, as I wrote above, sometimes those whirling thoughts of "who does she thinks she is" and the comparisons come up, and I don't always tell the stories here that I long to tell.

And there are some stories I long to tell:

I want to talk more about poetry. Some of you might remember that I used to post about poetry every Thursday when I co-led a poetry community a few years ago. When that project ended, I didn't post about poetry as often for a lot of reasons that I can't even remember now. Starting this week, there will be more poetry.

I want to tell you more about the experience of writing Inner Excavation. I want to share thoughts on how it has really been to have a real live book on a shelf in bookstores and tell the truth about how my book shipping from Amazon on the same day my daughter had open-heart surgery has affected my entire experience with "the real live book."

I want to tell you more about Ellie and my world as a mama. For some reason I have worried that people will come here and think "oh how quaint, she blogs all about her kid now" and miss the whole point. But really, I long to tell you more about our days and about a few things concerning her health and share some things I have learned about having a child with "an illness." I really want to talk about my experience of letting go of how you think it is supposed to be or how you thought you would be as a parent, especially when your daughter's cardiologist says things like, "it is time to let her have milkshakes and french fries" because getting weight on her and her keeping it on is more important than the shame of not being one of those "natural mamas" you hoped you might become. (And then there is the whole "yes, she has plastic toys" shame and the "she watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse because it always gets rid of her grumps" shame...oh how I want to invite all of us to let go of this shame.)

I want to tell you about how incredible and somewhat wacky it was to experience such growth in my Etsy business, host five retreats, begin to write a series of articles for a magazine, teach two online classes, and begin some incredible projects all while being a work at home mom in 2011. (I think I can only talk about it now that I am on the other side and saw that it was possible. But oh my goodness there were times that I thought I was drowning yet I kept going and learned this: I always get it all done, especially when I take time to rest.)

I want to talk more about the Be Present Retreats and share photos and stories from participants about what happens at the retreats and their experiences. I want to tell you about how leading and teaching at these retreats has invited me to realize I am truly at home when I do this work.

I want to go on more self-portrait adventures and encourage you to do the same. I want to share more about self-portraits and why I feel they are such a beautiful way to feel deeply seen.

I want to talk more about how I am trying to push myself to come from a place of compassion when I realize I am having a "knee-jerk" reaction to something or someone.

I want to share more about how I wish we would all let go of whispering "who does she think she is?" and instead stand tall in the truth of who we are.

Yes, there is so much I want to share, and this list feels like it is just the beginning.

Thank you for coming along...

in this moment (an invitation)

in this moment, i stand under blue sky and breathe in the fresh air and know:
when i quiet my mind and lean into trust, i often realize that i innately know what the next step should be.

***

Inspired by a prompt in Chapter 1 of my book Inner Excavation, I felt moved to take my camera outside and capture "where I stand" today and then pair the photo with an "in this moment" note that gently pushed me to honor what I know today.

An Invitation

I would love to see where you stand today...where you are in this moment...what you know. Tell me in the comments or link to your blog or Flickr with an answer. 

Hope your weekend is full of many good things (and rest),

Liz

nourish . leaning into whole(ness)

words gathered in the studio 

As I hammer words into metal, I can't help but think about the meaning behind each one and wonder a bit about why each person was drawn to the word and what it means to them. Some of the words stick with me and become part of my own practice.

Yesterday, I spent some time journaling about my word of the year (whole) and how I want to live from wholeness this month. One theme that keeps coming up is wanting to feel like I am nourishing my body and my family by cooking. I love to cook and I love to eat what I cook, but I haven't cooked much during the last few years. But during the week of Thanksgiving, I was moved to look through a few cookbooks and print out some of Tracy's fall recipes. And I cooked. (hello beef stew. hello roasted butternut squash + apples + potatoes + cranberries.) And it was awesome. And I can't stop thinking about how much I enjoyed cooking while Jon and Ellie and Millie played and talked to me.

As I look to this year, I want to continue to spend time making things from scratch (or from kinda scratch with the help of Trader Joe's) and sit at the table with my little family (or by myself while Ellie naps) and take the time to practice this important piece of self-care (and family care).

But I know that I am going to need to really push myself to do this. So I am writing about it here in the hopes of checking in and maybe getting some support from you about how you do it.

Here are a few of the things I am doing to get started:

1) I reorganized my studio so that my packaging and shipping station is now in the studio and not on the kitchen table.

2) I am choosing one cookbook to really sink into for a bit, and I'm starting with The Barefoot Contessa at Home. I have enjoyed cooking her recipes in the past, and now that I have a Cuisinart (Christmas gift), I feel ready to tackle some of I have looked at with longing in the past.

3) I am asking for help. My mom is visiting later this month and we are going to spend some time talking about what she cooks (she and Steve cook together every night) and put together some "go to" recipes for me. (Does this mean I get to buy a new binder? I hope so.) We are also going to work on making the kitchen a bit more user friendly. Today, we had a long talk about the shifts I want to make with cooking and living in the house I've always dreamed of (meaning a lot less clutter), and I am feeling deeply supported by her and really look forward to her visit. And then my friend Jen is planning to visit next week, and I asked her if we could cook while she is here. (She is a great cook who always uses yummy fresh ingredients and I know I can learn a lot from her.)

4) For Christmas, I gave my dad Molly Wizenberg's book A Homemade Life. I love this book so much, and while reading it a few years ago, I kept thinking about how parts of it were such a beautiful love letter to her dad. I asked my dad if he wanted to read it together and cook recipes from the book with me...kind of like a year-long book/cooking club. This is the first time I have asked him to do anything like this, and I think it will be a really neat way for us to connect across the miles. I am hoping there might even be a meal or two shared via Skype but that might be a little too modern for him (insert big smile here).

5) My mom gave Ellie a little toddler play kitchen for Christmas. It is really fantastic and the perfect size for her. I love that she will be able to begin to imitate me (and Jon) cooking or just enjoy stacking her blocks in the play oven while I cook. I am also thinking about investing in something like this toddler stool with sides. I know it is oh my goodness expensive, but I can't help but think that it would be so awesome for Ellie to be safe while at the kitchen counter playing or coloring or helping me as she gets a bit older. (Hey moms, do you/did you have something like it?)

6) I created a "the year of cooking" pinboard over on Pinterest where I am pinning photos connected to links to recipes I find at sites like Shutterbean and Orangette and Smitten Kitchen and my tried and true favorite Betty Crocker. And I am finding that so many other people have recipe pinboards too so I am checking those out. This feels really motivating because it is such fun to have the visuals of all the possibility that awaits. 

As I think about this year of leaning into whole(ness), I am trying to stay really open to the truth that I choose...each day...I choose. And I do hope to check in about this often...maybe there will even be some recipe posts coming up as I learn and eat and nourish.

blessings

Jan 1, 2011 :: Jan 1, 2012

one word. one girl. (a collaboration)

new One Word Girl necklace collaboration with Kelly Barton

My partner in crime Kelly Barton and I have been like two cooks in a test kitchen surrounded by candy-like beads and baubles as we taste this and sample that and check for doneness. We have giggled and schemed and literally squealed with delight as we have worked on this. And now the time has come to reveal our juicy (seriously I am over the moon excited about this!!!) collaboration:

The One Word Girl Necklaces

Kelly has created NINE new original girls with you in mind. I have gathered up my favorite vintage moonglow beads in happy candy colors and found just the right sized little circle for your word of the year. We are putting the girl of your choice + your word + these happy beads all together to create a unique custom necklace just for you!

Which girl are you today?

As you think about which girl you would like for your necklace, consider the girl she might represent:

Is she the woman you see when you look in the mirror?
Is she the superhero, rock star you who lives inside you each day?
Is she the courageous goddess in you who is ready to stand tall in her truth?
Is she the little girl you living her creative dreams? 
Is she the you who knows the time has come to begin?

 Think about which girl represents the companion you most need as you walk into a new year.

(And if you are like me, you might even decide you need one for every day of the week...because oh my goodness, do you see how cute Blossom's hair is? She reminds me of the little girl me who giggles more than worries. And Patch? Patch is calling to me with adventure in her voice. And then there is Bloom. I want 2012 to be a year where everyday feels like one where Bloom is beside me. Gosh I love these girls.)

Kelly and I hope that your necklace will gently remind you of whatever you most need at this time on your journey. When you look in the mirror and see that girl and your word, we hope you will breathe deeply and know you can do it baby girl. You can live all your dreams into reality and stay grounded in your truth as you walk into a new year.

And for those of you who want a simpler look without the beads, we have created a design for you too right here.

on shining a light (on all of it)

Stand in Your Light pocket talisman in the Soul Mantras shop.

A year ago, my life felt heavy, my heart felt heavy. A year ago, my practice was centered around staying grounded and surrendering while holding on by my fingertips. A year ago, I couldn't stop thinking about how I wanted to feel lighter and less tethered to the past. A year ago, I thought I was coming out of survival mode, but in reality, I was still neck deep in it. A year ago, I had no idea how I would do it all and thought I was supposed to have it all figured out by now.

A year ago, I chose the word LIGHT to focus on in 2011.

I chose light because I wanted to manifest more light in my life. I wanted to feel the sun even when the past threatened clouds. I wanted the light to show me I was not alone on my path. I wanted to listen to the light within, around me and trust the way. And I chose light because I simply wanted to feel lighter. I wanted to dance more and seek more joy in simply living.

As 2011 unfolded, light became my guide.

(For real.)

As I began to do some deep inner work and healing from all that 2010 brought through Ellie Jane's birth and open heart surgery and the experiences surrounding all of it, I kept focusing on the light.

I began to realize that my work is to shine a light, a BIG light, on all of it. I don't want to be afraid in the dark and a flashlight isn't enough. I want to shine a big lighthouse-sized lantern on all that has been before this moment, from yesterday to decades ago, so that I can be present to right here and all that is to come.

As I worked with the light, I began to stand tall in these truths:

My work is to invite you to shine a light in every corner of the home that is you. To bring light to the dust and the stacks of stuff that belong to someone else and the truths just hanging out waiting to be seen in the corner and the whispered dreams of the little girl who lives inside you. 

My work is to tell the stories about how I am shining my light to unearth the joy and the beauty and the real.ness amidst all that living brings so that you can be invited to know you are not alone as you stand in your light (so that I can remember I am not alone).

My work is to create talismans that act as traveling companions on the journey.

My work is to show up as me and live with my heart open to all that has been and all that is to come.

As I sit on the edge of a new year and think about all that has been, I feel surrounded by the light that has taught me and will teach me and show me the way.

And as I gather up all the beauty and truth that has been 2011, I think of you (yes you) in your corner and I want to you to hear me say:

Thank you for walking beside me. Thank you for you showing me that my stories matter. Thank you for helping my business grow. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for sharing your light. Thank you for showing up as you. Thank you.

merry

hoping your days have been full of merry and self-care and laughter and love and moments surrounded by those you most want to be with and moments to breathe it all in and moments to remember you are not alone.

thank you for your kind kind words on my last two posts. thank you for getting it. lots of tea and rest and crocheting over here in the midst of making some merry and playing santa together and getting out of pajamas for a little while (yesterday) and all of us staying in new ones all day (today). i feel a bit better, but we now have a little one who seems to be embarking on her first cold. 'tis the season i suppose. another parents learning curve ahead.

a good day though full of new toys for each of us, a few christmas movies, a nap or two, and lots of cuddles. but now on to more rest...

love and light,

liz

PS one of my favorite gifts this year was seeing glimpses of so many of my favorite people's holiday moments on instagram over the last few days. it was like the best slideshow of real beauty and food and joy and truth and silliness and merry ever. for reals. thank you for that. (connect with me @lizelayne on instagram.)

surrendering

Tonight, I am writing you from the land of antibiotics and vick's vaporub and literally trying to breathe and so many mugs of tea + honey as this mama is down for the count with a bug. 

In this moment, I am surrendering to not making cookies or getting it all done or cooking from the pile of waiting recipes or being cheery.

I am surrendering to asking for help and letting Jon do almost all of it.

I am surrendering to asking for more time and saying no.

I am surrendering to disappointment and exhaustion.

I am surrendering to answering "what do you need right now" with the truth (and the truth was biscuits + lingonberry jam).

I am surrendering to unexpected laughter and a little girl's need for cuddles.

I am surrendering to the breath surrounding patience.

I am surrendering to tears.

I am surrendering to just being right here.

I am surrendering to rest.

I am surrendering to the choice that awaits in each moment.