a post that began one way...and turned into something else entirely.

saturday, jon got me out of the house for a bit. a short trip to point defiance park to get outside into the fresh air. even though we weren't there for very long, it was much needed. hopefully many a summer afternoon will be spent just like this...though maybe with a picnic and a stack of books and a journal or two and fresh markers and how the list goes on...

i am still sick. the weekend was filled with steam showers and lots of hot drinks and frequent use of the inhalers and making my way through season three of the west wing and reading my way through the harry potter series yet again...

and here is where is want to write something wise. i want to write about how i am finding answers in the all this quiet. about how my heart feels open as the sun shines in through the blinds and my mind is so full of ideas that i am dancing my favorite dance inside possibility. but, the truth is, my grandpa died two months ago and i am very sad about it. i am sad that i will never again visit the house where my grandparents lived. i am sad that they aren't going to show up and take me to the beach as the antidote to this illness as they did almost thirty years ago when i had a neverending bout of bronchitis. i am sad that i didn't get to my grandfather's side before he died. i am sad that there seems to be some kind of belief that a person shouldn't grieve deeply for grandparents...that a person should get "over" a death and "move on," especially when the person who died was "old." i would love to write something that might inspire but the truth is my head is throbbing as my brain seems to rattle each time i cough today and i just want to crawl back into bed. but i can't sleep because i keep coughing (not to mention i need to work).

i guess this is why i haven't been showing up here as much as i want to. i am trying so hard to push away the negative as i am on the cusp of a major pity party and i know it. even though there are also some really good things going on in my world that i look forward to sharing on another day, i am on the cusp of giving into the tears. but if i start crying, i won't be able to breathe. i know this is true. for a while now, when a thought comes up about my grandparents, i actually imagine pulling it out of my mind like dumbledore pulls out a memory in the world of harry potter...i imagine pulling it out and putting it into a box. i don't have the energy to grieve. does that make sense? i don't have the energy to give into the need for a good cry. i won't be able to breathe. and, these last two plus weeks have taught me that i really really need to be able to breathe.

(insert deep breath)

thanks for letting me ramble. it feels a bit like i just want someone to know where i am in this moment. so here i am, letting you know. and maybe i will come back tomorrow and let you know again. and the next day. because i think there is some comfort in knowing that someone knows a little piece of where i am.

i am okay. yes, i know this is true. i am okay. this is life. this is what it is. breathe in. breathe out. this is how we become.

(oh and i am behind on emails and returning phone calls and other good stuff. because of the coughing and asthma-like spells i am having, talking on the phone just isn't really possible right now. as much as i would so like to catch up with people on the phone, especially because i spend so much darn time alone, i am mostly trying to just be quiet. my etsy shop is open with a few happy summery necklaces, but i am not making any new soul mantra necklaces or any new fabric items at this time. hopefully soon i will be back in my studio sewing and hammering away. thanks for understanding.)

notes for the journey {5.27.09}

on the shores of lake max . culver, indiana . may 2009

day three of being back home in washington, and i am mending. still exhausted with a voice that isn't quite 100% and a cough that wants to hang around and a body insisting on east coast time, but i am mending.

i am leaning back toward me.

getting sick sometimes pushes moments of reflection in as the quiet of hours resting will do. my brain isn't racing as usual, so i am not being forced to keep up with myself i guess. and, as this slowing down forces more breathing (to, at times, literally relax enough to find my breath) and less doing/brainstorming/plotting/dreaming/creating, i have had several whispered reminders of what is important...whispered reminders of what i want to surround myself with in this life...of where i want to be when i look up from my path...here are a few:

be gentle: maya stein's "instructions upon waking" deeply spoke to me earlier this month. i read it again today for a much-needed breath of truth.

dare to wish: jen gray's whirlwish video has filled up my soul since yesterday evening when jonny and i sat together and watched it several times. so much goodness here.

create the happy: this peek into elsie's studio makes me grin.

surround yourself with lovely: this "floral lineup" photo on oh joy! made me inhale deeply. love the simple, intriguing white vases with the gorgeous summery blooms. (oh joy! is full of eye-candy inspiration daily...loving this blog).

do what you love: geek girl's clementines in the sun photo series (i want to reach through the screen and eat one); this girl is making it happen with her camera.

be present: karen's mindful day post. i didn't keep up with many blogs while i was dozing on a couch in indiana last week, but i read karen's daily. she simply gets it.

bring in the joy: dancing mermaid's make your life beautiful video has me thinking about simple acts of joy that can make a life more fully lived.

find the gratitude: ali's so very thankful post makes me think of possibility and love. such beauty here.

this morning, visiting all these sites again, i wish i could invite these women for tea today. we could all wear pajamas and eat strawberries and talk about what we know to be real and true. yes. i wish i could invite you, yes you, to come over for tea today. we could remind one another that we already know what we want to surround ourselves with in this life. we could remind each other that we just need to look up now and then and breathe it all in. we could remind each other that we already know; we just need to sometimes sit in the quiet to hear the answers that whisper within...

i wish you could come over for tea today...i wish for you that you will remember...

blessings,
liz

scenes from an indiana evening

an evening at dad's . may 2009

tell me something really good.

miss maggie may (my dad's cockapoo) . may 2009

i am still in indiana. i came to attend my high school reunion (i had the best time!) and after the reunion ended, my body seemed to give a sigh of relief that it could give into the illness that had been clearly hanging on for a bit.

asthmatic bronchitis. two inhalers. a big dose of antibiotics. trying to sleep in between what seem to be asthma-like attacks. (which, by the way, are more than a bit scary. those of you with asthma know. scary to wake up with no breath available.) this is the second time i have had something like this in six months. hmmm. i am not enjoying this one bit. (and wondering what is up with this second bout.)

was supposed to fly home yesterday but the doctor gave that a no go. hopefully friday. i am not doing all that great in this moment. i wish i was home in my own bed. i miss jonny and millie. but my dad and his girlfriend are being great, as is my mom. i feel loved, even though i feel like crapola. and even if i don't have my favorite sweater i wear when i am sick, i do have one of my dad's to wear, which is almost as good (insert very weak smile here). and even though i don't have millie curled up against my leg, i do have the companionship of the sweet, soft, and silly cockapoo pictured above. maggie. she is some kind of cute. and, in the way that dogs often do, she seems to get i am not feeling well and is staying pretty close to my side.

so, all this leads me to say this: tell me something good about your world. tell me a funny story. what made you happy today? last week? who/what is inspiring you? what are you reading? what flowers are blooming (or what color are the leaves outside your window)?

tell me something really good. i need to soak up the goodness...

(thank you)

nine {with susan tuttle}

Nine is an interview series with creative folks; the interviewees are asked to respond to the questions in photographs.

Today's interview is with the kindred spirit Susan Tuttle. I was lucky enough to meet Susan last year at Squam, and her writing and photography have captivated me ever since.

*****

Question 1: Who are you?

Question 2: What do you love about where you live?

Question 3: What might your perfect afternoon look like?

Question 4: If you had an hour alone in your studio/creative space, what would you do?

Question 5: Right now, what are some of your favorite things?

Question 6: What foods nourish your soul?

Question 7: When you need to simply take a breath and reground yourself, what do you do?

Question 8: How do you nurture your creative dreams?

Question 9: Does your heart have a secret wish you want to share?

Susan Tuttle is a mixed-media and digital artist who resides in the Midcoast region of Maine with her husband and two young children. Her first book, Exhibition 36: Mixed-Media Demonstrations and Explorations, was released by North Light Books in November 2008. Her second book, which is a technique-based publication about digital art, will be released by North Light Books in April of 2010. Susan is a frequent contributor to Stampington and Company publications and a variety of other mixed-media art books. You can visit her web site at http://www.ilkasattic.com/ and her blog at http://www.ilkasattic.blogspot.com/.

(All photos copyright Susan Tuttle)

five (really) good things on a monday

seaview blooms . may 10, 2009

1) the last of the blooming trees are smiling down on us here in the pacific northwest. i have been simply swooning this year at the blooms. for the last week i keep saying to jon, those pink trees are pregnant with blooms. it is true. i can't seem to stop saying that. hmmm...

2) speaking of pregnant, i am beyond excited that later this week i will be spending time with some dear friends who spent time in the world of pregnancy last year and this year...and i will be meeting their beautiful babes. it is going to be a real joy to look into the faces of these friends who are now mothers and then to hold the babies they have brought into this world.

3) i bought some new clothes and stuff to take with me on this trip and i have to rave about two etsy purchases. the first is the shell collector dress from gaia conceptions. oh. my. goodness. i adore this dress (i bought it in purple.) when i saw jen wearing it last month in portland, i knew it had to be mine. this dress is so well made and so soft and flattering. another item i bought is this pouch in chartreuse by yorktown road...and it is delightful in person! loving carol's etsy shop and her flickr photos.

4) taking a quick trip to the coast this weekend with jonny was so good for the soul. driving and talking and singing (jon even joined in with this song [this video is fantastic fun!], which has become a new favorite of mine...a perfect driving song really) and connecting with people in manzanita (as i continue to work on the details of upcoming retreats and plan new ones). having these moments of goodness to add to the mix, well, i am very thankful for these moments.

5) the new jewelry at l'essence du monde. jen has reopened her shop, and these necklaces make me think of a summer evening party in the backyard with lanterns hanging and a white t-shirt and fun below-the-knee skirt with a happy pattern and orange flip flops and friends and laughter and good food and lemon drops and how the list goes on. these earrings are my current everyday favorites (i have them in brass). and i love wearing one of these necklaces with my soul mantra necklaces as some days i just have to layer necklace upon necklace.

oh but wait, one more really good thing i have to share:
the new star trek movie. loved it. i am a big (BIG) star trek TNG fan. my brother and i might have gone to a convention back in the 90s. my husband (then boyfriend) might have begun to fall in love with me when he realized i knew who brent spiner is. separate from all that (since i am guessing you probably have no idea what i am talking about), this is just really a good movie. you should go see it. seriously.

what are five really good things in your world?
i dare you to name them.
right.
now.

living it.

manzanita view . may 9, 2009

Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.

Buddha

because {love thursday}

a photo that appeared in jonny's flickr photostream last evening.

he took it in our front yard when we had a brief break in the rain.

i gave him that frog about seven years ago.

sigh. there goes my heart.

because you seem to never mind when i sing my heart out in the car

because you embrace who i am (even when i haven't showered)

because you make sure i eat every night

because you annoy me until i remember to stop taking things so seriously

because you spent your spring break in the midst of a movie that might rival elizabethtown

because you say things like whatever you need to do when i ask you if i should get a nose ring, or a tatoo, or how the list goes on

because you send me emails in the middle of the day so i feel less alone

because you believe i can

because you remembered

these are (some of) the reasons

i adore you.

(happy love thursday)