peeking into this evening*

*alternatively: playing with the new 50mm lens and having too. much. fun.

if...

If you lived down the street or across town, sometimes, in the middle of the day I would call and say, “I have to take a break from this. I need air. I need to get out of my head a bit. Want to join me?”

And, I would hop into my gunmetal gray Beetle and drive down the street or across town and pick you up. I would pick you up and we would go get coffee or visit King’s Books or take photos as we walk along Puget Sound. I would pick you up and we would get outside…we would talk and solve life’s problems and laugh until tears rolled down our faces.

If you lived down the street or across town and I came to pick you up, we would turn up the iPod and sing loudly as we drove to the park or Mandolin Café or to the Rhododendron Garden. We would sing and laugh and get it all out of our systems…

Yesterday, I was thinking about this when I took a break in the middle of the day and drove a few miles to a fabric store and then visited Borders. I was thinking about how I wish you were here. I was thinking about trying to capture what it was like to spend a bit of time with me yesterday when I decided on a whim to leave the house sans make-up, with my hair pulled back, and wearing my comfortable yoga clothes. When I decided to leave the house because I needed to "get out of my head" and into the world.

As I was out in the world…as I was driving...I was thinking about all this and decided to capture it, for you. Right here.

(the decision to “capture” the moment was more than a little inspired by this beautiful spirit)

an invitation to see {self-portrait challenge}

Two years ago, my daily practice, for two months, was to look in the mirror for a few minutes everyday. I began this practice after reading an article by Elizabeth Gilbert in Yoga Journal (read more background about my previous experience with this meditation here and here).

A few weeks into this practice, I realized I had stopped just looking at me and instead had started seeing me. I began to see the beauty in the curves of my face and how my eyes sometimes seem to smile and the fullness of my lips. I began to see wisdom and truth. My internal self-talk began to soften.

For a few months, I have been thinking about starting this practice again. After a confusing couple of moments while on a trip this summer, moments that brought up that harsher self-talk, I found myself standing in front of a mirror and pausing.

I stood there and looked myself in the eye and felt myself begin to crumble a bit. I was honest with myself about the feelings that had surfaced and could feel that invitation to simply "lose it." In that moment, I took a deep breath, and looking eye to eye with me, I felt an invitation to seek some refuge within this meditation I had spent time with two years ago. So much emotion knocked inside me as I looked at myself, trying to see beauty. I didn't want to give into that internal pull to lose it, as I needed to exit the bathroom at some point in a manner that seemed pulled together. So I stood there watching the shadow of my earring that the light from the skylight was creating…I just watched the shadow on my face and how light seemed to dance around it. I took in that moment and found my breath.

The next day, I found myself standing in front of this mirror again, and I focused on the way my bangs brushed across my forehead. The day after that, I focused on the slight curve of my lips right before a full smile spread across my face. And on and on. For about three weeks now, I have spent a few minutes each day just looking at me…trying to see me again.

Earlier today, I stood eye to eye with me and felt that self-talk soften just a bit.

This reflection mediation has become my practice yet again.

I am trying to see me…to see more than what someone else might see when making assumptions or judgments…to see more than what I see when doing the same. I am looking at the shadows and the light and trying to give myself permission to crack open a bit more.

I am standing eye to eye with me and trying to let the shadows dance their way into the light and shine just a bit.

I am giving myself permission to see beauty.

I am giving myself permission to see me.

(read Elizabeth Gilbert's full article here)

*****

updated in 2011: Self-Portrait Challenge (SPC) was a website and community that encouraged people to take and share self-portraits. I loved this project! However, I am sad to report that it no longer has an active website, so I have removed links that appeared in the posts connected to my participation in this project.

whispers of fall (and a sale)

even though i expect we will have a few more summer days, the whisperings of fall have appeared this week. the windows are slightly cracked to let in the fresh air. the water is on for tea. i am snug in one of jonny's sweatshirts.

and i am diving into fabric that reminds me of fall. browns, deep greens, sky and ocean blue, and a little pink (because...well...why not?) i'm working on a few things for my vendor table at squam and a few things to put in the shop.

so i thought i would have a "heading toward the end of summer" sale in my little shop. all totes are 35% off, maude bags are 20% off, and pillows with a dash (or more) of pink are 15% off (the pillow form is still included at the sale price). i hope you will check out the sale here.

a few people have been asking about my prayer flag sets. i do have plans to make a few sets this fall. hopefully i will have a handful at squam and then will put some in my shop later in september. thank you so much for your interest in my creations.

*****

on another note, i had a perfect moment today that i wanted to share. i was making myself a little fruit salad as part of my lunch, and the orange i wanted to add didn't want to pull apart. i was getting juice everywhere. so i simply decided to stand over the sink and suck the juice right from the orange (ala miss matty). it dribbled down my chin as i giggled with each slurp.

it was wondrous.

have you had any perfect moments lately?

today's mantra

water at the 5 spot, seattle

as the rain falls
and the wind trickles into our open windows
and millie sighs before curling into rest
and the voices and writings of dear friends
(with their wisdom and love)
dance across my heart,
one phrase circles my mind.
it feels like home.
it feels like right where i need to be.
and to hear it sung invites me to believe,
and to know,
it is all as it should be.

it is today's mantra:
i hope

(to hear it sung to you, click here.)

(thank you)

a wish for today.

breakfast at cira's, south bend, indiana, 7.26.08

today, i wish that we could meet for breakfast. i could soak in all your wisdom and laughter and creative energy. i would learn more about me just by spending time with you over pancakes and summer berries and poached eggs and the best cup of coffee you have had a while. i would learn about you and your dreams and fears and hopes and beliefs and where you are on your journey.

today, i wish that we could meet for breakfast. you could share stories...pieces of the stories that make up your life and i could nod and just listen. i could just listen and honor the space that sits between us as you share you with me.

today, i wish that we could meet for breakfast. i could share the thoughts that have been crawling across my mind. i could put words to the feelings and trust that you would listen before judging. and you could trust that i would do the same.

today, i wish we could meet for breakfast. we would laugh and listen and eat and share and laugh some more. we would enjoy pancakes and bright red raspberries and blueberries and coffee and cool, fresh cream. we would share our stories.

and we would hold the space between us.

(thank you all for listening. for honoring my words by sharing your words. for holding that space a bit. thank you for inviting me to laugh out loud, to look at myself, to laugh at myself, to take a step back, to honor my honesty, to honor myself. simply put: you rock. peace and blessings to you all this sunday.)

almost...

driftwood, washington coast, april 08

Every now and then, I struggle with what I want to write on my blog because there is so much I want to say but I cannot find the words. I cannot find a post's worth of words because they are so stuck in my throat (and heart and gut), but I feel as though I have to get them out in order to move forward.

Last December, I wrote about what I almost wrote about and it seemed to help a bit.

I'm trying that again today.

*****

I almost wrote about…

How I struggle with the high school aspects of blogging. I am so thankful for all that this medium and the community I have found within it (and the friendships) have given me and how I have grown. Yet, I struggle with seeing the "cool kids" table and all that it brings. And wishing I was…and wishing I was not…

An experience that rocked me to my core late last month. Words said by another that cannot be taken back that invited me to wonder who I am and what I am doing and why. Words that invited me to feel like I needed, wanted, had to run far, far away. Words that I am trying to forget.

Feeling left out and how much that hurts.

The idea that we are always interacting with human beings in almost every moment of our lives. It might seem like they are simply voices or words on a computer screen or a car or a passerby or a memory. But behind every interaction, even very small ones, is a human being or two or three. I want to wear a t-shirt that says, "Human here." And, I want you to wear one too.

How we cannot be in charge of anyone's feelings but our own. We are only "in charge" of our reactions, of us. This isn't selfish; this is truth.

The things that could have been.

How I cannot be everything you need me to be.

The struggles of having an etsy shop and putting yourself, your creations, out into the world. The other side of art+craft shows, when things don't always go as you had hoped, when you don't sell as much as you thought, when the venue is not quite what it seemed…when you wonder why you are doing this at all.

The questions whizzing through my mind that all come down to this truth: I just want people to like me.

The reality that we share only pieces of ourselves on our blogs. We cannot know everything about someone just because she has an online journal. Why do we feel the need to judge? Why do we feel the need to pretend?

My need to let go of judgment and resentment.

How I am drifting back to my daily practice and finding me.

*****

(After typing all this, I thought, "Am I really going to share this? Why?" I guess I share it to let some of it go as I so need to do that. And I guess I share in the hope of letting you know you are not alone…thank you for reading...)

discoveries. inspirations.

waiting future, st. patrick's park, indiana. 8.3.08

catching my eye:
melissa's new fabric collection (and her delightful blog)
heather ross' blog
linda's new hats (i bought this one)

inviting me to feel less alone:
the words and truth of jen lemen
christine's authentic sharing

filling the well:
hearing jonatha brooke sing this song live and in person (and looking forward to hearing her again soon at squam)
the spirit of kindness girl (love this recent post)

what's catching your eye...
filling your well...
inviting you to feel less alone...
i'd love to know.