driftwood, washington coast, april 08
Every now and then, I struggle with what I want to write on my blog because there is so much I want to say but I cannot find the words. I cannot find a post's worth of words because they are so stuck in my throat (and heart and gut), but I feel as though I have to get them out in order to move forward.
Last December, I wrote about what I almost wrote about and it seemed to help a bit.
I'm trying that again today.
I almost wrote about…
How I struggle with the high school aspects of blogging. I am so thankful for all that this medium and the community I have found within it (and the friendships) have given me and how I have grown. Yet, I struggle with seeing the "cool kids" table and all that it brings. And wishing I was…and wishing I was not…
An experience that rocked me to my core late last month. Words said by another that cannot be taken back that invited me to wonder who I am and what I am doing and why. Words that invited me to feel like I needed, wanted, had to run far, far away. Words that I am trying to forget.
Feeling left out and how much that hurts.
The idea that we are always interacting with human beings in almost every moment of our lives. It might seem like they are simply voices or words on a computer screen or a car or a passerby or a memory. But behind every interaction, even very small ones, is a human being or two or three. I want to wear a t-shirt that says, "Human here." And, I want you to wear one too.
How we cannot be in charge of anyone's feelings but our own. We are only "in charge" of our reactions, of us. This isn't selfish; this is truth.
The things that could have been.
How I cannot be everything you need me to be.
The struggles of having an etsy shop and putting yourself, your creations, out into the world. The other side of art+craft shows, when things don't always go as you had hoped, when you don't sell as much as you thought, when the venue is not quite what it seemed…when you wonder why you are doing this at all.
The questions whizzing through my mind that all come down to this truth: I just want people to like me.
The reality that we share only pieces of ourselves on our blogs. We cannot know everything about someone just because she has an online journal. Why do we feel the need to judge? Why do we feel the need to pretend?
My need to let go of judgment and resentment.
How I am drifting back to my daily practice and finding me.
(After typing all this, I thought, "Am I really going to share this? Why?" I guess I share it to let some of it go as I so need to do that. And I guess I share in the hope of letting you know you are not alone…thank you for reading...)