tonight...

tonight, i spent hours looking through etsy shops for christmas presents. there are so many wonderful things to be found. and, suddenly i found a shop with these delightful polymer clay pendants and pins and such...and there it was. the perfect christmas gift for you. a hummingbird. i almost clicked to add it to my shopping cart. but, then i remembered. you are gone. and the sucker-punching wave of grief crashed onto me. this is how it works. i forget for just a second. because most of the time i really really remember. but sometimes, i will forget for just this one little moment and it will seem like you are here and that i might just call you tomorrow to tell you all about my day and hear about the birds at your feeder and how grandpa drives you just a bit crazy and how you are looking forward to seeing my mom for thanksgiving and how you plan to send me money to buy the ornaments this year because you are too tired to go out of the house. and you will laugh when i tell you that i actually cooked dinner tonight because you always ask me what i plan to make my husband and i usually sputter some answer about how he cooks or that we plan to get sushi again. but this time i will be able to say that i actually made stew and we sat at the table and drank wine and talked. and then we can talk about how i am planning on buying only handmade christmas gifts this year and that i found the perfect one for you, but you will have to wait until next month to see what it is. and then you will say that it has been so long since you have seen me at christmas and that you are wondering if jon and i might think about coming to see you and gramps. and then i will say that would be really wonderful and we can have a quiet christmas just the four of us. and it will be just like when we went to myrtle beach and it was like two couples on vacation together. and i remember sitting on the balcony next to you while you did the crossword and i was looking out at the ocean thinking about how lucky i am because how many girls are there in the world who have been married for a few months and take their new husband on a vacation with their grandparents who have been married for 57 years and yet have the best time together. and i remember turning and looking at you and smiling. and now, as i sit here in this quiet house with candles burning and rain pushing against the roof, i can see you in my mind and because i am listening so closely to the voice that lives in my heart i hear your laughter and your words and i know. i know. i know...but i guess i also just need you to know how much i miss you and i miss the idea of you and all that could have been and all that was. so i am going to sit here for a little while and just pretend that you are still here and that i am going to call in the morning as i put the tea kettle on and then, as i begin to spread peanut butter on my toast, i will hear you say that you are hoping we might come for christmas this year. and i will be surprised because you seldom ask for anything but i will say yes, i think that is a wonderful idea, and when i hang up the phone i will smile widely because i know i will see you in a few short weeks…i am just going to sit here for a few minutes and pretend.

reframing and some (really) good things

i have noticed that several folks out there have started posting their "five really good things" every week. (in fact, i decided to google it and found that there are a handful of bloggers i don't even know who probably don't know me who are sharing theirs). and, it seems that miss geek girl is posting them on wednesdays as she blogs every single day of this month (you bloggers doing that are inspiring me each day this month). how i love reading everyone's lists. and it is so fun how one little post can start an idea. and how people suddenly are posting and have no idea where it all began yet they are spending time in the goodness of their lives. it is beautiful. in fact, it is a really good thing.

lately, i have been spending time thinking about the idea of reframing. how we can be faced with something not so great for whatever reason and that the moment all depends on how we choose to look at it and react. we make these choices daily.

i believe that how we react to the world around us and the people in this world and the "stuff" that happens "to" us is one of the few things we can control. it is pretty powerful to realize that you can change how you walk in this life and to realize that really you are the only one who can. i know i am preaching to the choir here, but i also believe that this is something we so often forget. we are quick to blame others or we do not want to think something can change or we blame ourselves and spend time in place instead of in action and on and on.

last week, when i wrote my second "five really good things" post, i had had a really super crappy day. a day that was filled with some unexpected (yet expected) stuff that unexpectedly brought up some shit from my childhood. some shit that involved shame and guilt and feeling forgotten. you know, the good stuff that can really turn a day upside down*.

and, i wanted to write something on my blog that night, though i couldn't think of anything i wanted to share, so i decided to write a "good things" list...and then i reread my list after i posted it and found myself taking a deep breath and letting it out with a loud, audible sigh. then, i went to bed.

and when i woke up, things had shifted. just a bit. i had reframed the day. just a bit.

on thursday, the stuff came up again after a phone call. i called a friend and ugly cried over the phone. that really ugly snot crying. and then i calmed down for about two hours and then i took a shower and did it all over again. while in the shower though, i started thinking about how i could reframe this. a friend had emailed me on tuesday that since this was something i was going to be dealing with for a bit, i needed to figure out a way to not let it become this big each time.

so as i stood in the shower with my forehead against the wall, i started thinking about the little girl and what she would have needed in the moments that were coming up for me. i thought about writing her a letter, but then i realized that i didn't know how to tell her that it would be okay. it felt empty to try to do this. but as i thought about how she might look at me if i were to walk back into time, she might wonder who was going to help her, and i thought i couldn't. but i realize that i am. the choices i am making now, from the ones related to this experience to the ones i am making each day, i am helping that little girl because, of course, that little girl is indeed me.

this realization did bring a down on the knees crying in the shower moment, but it also brought the beginning of a shift. a reframing. i am rescuing myself.

and in realizing this, things shifted just a bit more.

no matter how big or small these needs are, it is, well, it is huge to realize that you are reframing things to honor you are helping yourself. you are healing yourself. you are LIVING in your life. huge.

so, i do think that taking time to think about the really good things is one necessary way, for me, to recognize the goodness - whether i need to reframe things or not on any given day, in any given moment.

five really good things. november 14.

1) millie and her new bed. stuffies are her favorite toys, and when we found this bed at ikea, we knew she had to have it as it is like one big stuffie. she is a nester. and when she sighs right before she goes to sleep, as she did several times today, well, my heart expands just a bit.

2) wearing hand/arm/wrist warmers. i tend to get cold, and they are the perfect thing to wear while editing, blogging, sewing, writing, taking pictures outside...well, they are perfect for all that i do i guess.

3) stopping everything for a moment this evening to listen to the rain drop onto the roof.

4) drinking an apple izze.

5) having my own "it's after 11 and the house is quiet" dance/lip syncing party to marc broussard's song "home" with my ipod tucked into my pocket.

what are your five really good things? put words to them. i dare you. do it. right now.

*and the truth is, i wouldn't be me without a disclaimer. i know it sounds like i might be talking about some deep dark secrets in this post. but the truth is, what happened last week wasn't about secrets. shame can come from a lot of experiences...and although this one might not seem big to some, it was really, really big to me. and i guess i never looked at it. funny how life hands you the chance to do just that twenty years later. and i feel really blessed that i sobbed my way through it and found my breath again and feel stronger than i have in a year.

current uniform, week two {self-portrait challenge}

when the day demands a change from flannel, you can usually find me in jeans, a sweater coat, a t-shirt, and some comfortable slip-on shoes.

i think that the sweater coat invites a sense of coziness and safety and warmth. all good things when the air is chilly and the day is winnie-the-pooh blustery.

(i can't believe that i once wore pantyhose and suits and heels to work every day. today, i am so lucky.)

see more self-portraits here

inspirations, november 13

reading into the archives of a blogger (or two or three) to discover and uncover more

sewing rows and rows of fabric together

the words and images of this incredible woman

jen and swirly shakin' their groove things

finding calm in the midst of the opposite

long phone conversations that invite an opening of the mind, heart, and soul

when millie sighs as she snuggles into her new bed

songs overheard this morning

flower burst at metropolitan market, 12 november 2007

the "if you find yourself needing to breathe in goodness and exhale calm while a dentist drills in your mouth for 2.5 hours" playlist*:

"the lucky one" by allison krauss and union station
"dandelion" by antje duvekot
"like a star" by corrine bailey rae
"fly away" by the indigo girls
"traverse city" by daytime volume
"a bird flies out" by deb talan
"most of me" by mandy moore
"easy silence" by the dixie chicks
"everything" by michale buble
"we walk the same line" by everything but the girl
"songbird" by fleetwood mac
"johannesburg" by the housemartins
"these photographs" by joshua radin
"just remember i love you" by firefall
"extraordinary" by mandy moore
"closer to fine" by the indigo girls
"once upon a time there was an ocean" by paul simon
"walking in memphis" by marc cohen
"tenderness" by deb talan
"main title" from the american president
"landslide" by fleetwood mac
"let it be me" by rosie thomas
"anything at all" by sarah olsen
"brave" by stephanie dosen
"wartime prayers" by paul simon
"twilight" by mary chapin carpenter
"virginia woolf" by the indigo girls**
"i hope" by the dixie chicks
"everything'll be alright (will's lullabye)" by joshua radin
"simple life" by the weepies
"white sandy beach of hawaii" by iz

*i suggest playing it on shuffle so you can always be surprised as to the next song
**it had been a few months since i had heard this most favorite of songs. and tonight, i listen to it again and slip it on like a comfortable old sweater...

the goodness {my sacred sunday}

there is a chair under there (and a few of these to the left, do you see them?), 11 november 2007

the goodness. i feel like i am sitting inside it. even when i hit some bumps (or hills or mountains) in my path, somewhere inside me, i am still aware of the goodness.

to be aware of the goodness through tears, that is something...a clue that things are shifting.

another pile, some soon to be a few of these, 11 november 2007

today, i sang and sewed for hours and hours. and i felt this goodness growing within.

i was thinking about a conversation i had last night that lasted until the first few minutes of today. i am enjoying the beginnings of a deep friendship, a soul-full friendship, with a beautiful kindred spirit. and, i was thinking about how conversations where you can just spill it, your truth, and share yourself without any worry of judgement are true blessings. these are moments to be tucked in the pocket of your heart. moments you can turn to when you are faced with one of those bumps in the road so that you remember who you are in the midst of something that might be inviting you to forget.

and then i was singing these words*:

I won’t hold anything back
And I won’t hold anything in...

...I’m still
Willing to begin

and then i was thinking about this, about truths and laughter and ideas shared, about letting go of assumptions and past disappointments and embracing a new path, and i found myself taking a deep breath, a contented sigh even...and i wanted to capture that feeling...that blissful feeling of beginning and action and love and truth that is growing inside me...so i took a picture so you could see how it looks on me...

(visit more sacred sundays here)
*words from mandy moore's song "most of me"

perhaps...

proctor market sunflower, 15 september 2007

Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.

Chinese Proverb

five (really) good things

dahlia at the market, 3 november 2007

a few weeks ago, i invited myself to think of five really good things. and tonight, after a pretty challenging afternoon that included the shedding of some tears (and a morning and evening that included cleaning up after an ill dog on more than one occasion), i extend the invitation to myself again:

name five really good things. right now.

1. tonight's dinner involved conveyor-belt sushi. enough said.

2. exchanging emails with new and old friends fills up my heart. (thank you.)

3. wearing my mary jane slipper socks not only keeps my toes warm, but makes me feel happy, especially when i look down at my feet.

4. today, my teeth are the cleanest they have been in a long, long time.

5. we are totally planning a trip to disney world. yep. i. can't. wait.

and now, i extend the invitation to you:

what are your five really good things? put words to your five things. right now. i dare you.