i can’t help myself

do you know that part in you’ve got mail where kathleen and frank (meg ryan and greg kinnear) are breaking up and she asks him if there is anyone else (if you haven’t seen it - this is a mutual break-up moment where they both just realized they need to move on) and then she asks him about the republican? and he says, “i can’t help myself.” i love that moment. they are laughing together. it is so good.

when i find myself having a moment where i just can’t stop myself from doing something, i often quote frank in my head.

on tuesday night, when i was completing the “buy 8x8 canvases” step in my steps to do as i gear up for artfest/get my online shop going, i, of course, found myself lost in the little fabric section of the art store that is near my house. and, of course, i found something.

first, i came across these fabrics and i tried to resist. i looked at them: saw the purses in my head. saw the prayer flags. saw the way the fabrics i have at home would match them. even saw this crazy apron/skirt thing i want to create to wear over jeans. but i kept walking. until i circled back. and loaded them into my cart.

then, while i was waiting to checkout, i was delighted and i mean big-smile-on-my-face-gasp-out-loud excited to see heather bailey’s freshcut line! so, i had to buy some of it as well. i mean, how could i not? it is gorgeous.

when have you exclaimed, “i can’t help myself” lately?

breathing into growth (poetry thursday)

Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday. She would have been 84 or maybe it's 85 now. Her grandmother lived to be 102 so I was hoping for more time...

When Dana and I were sitting in a Starbucks in Seattle this weekend, I was telling her that I can't seem to write many poems about anything other than my grandmother. I guess in her death she has become my muse. I will take a nod from Sharon Olds though and will just keep going with it. Writing the words as they come.

As I mentioned here, I am trying to work with shorter poems. To strip it all away to get to the guts of what I want to say. Yesterday, as the sun peeked through the rainy clouds, I found my way to this poem...

On this day
when the sun slips through the gray
and I hear the tulips push upward,
I know this:
Though I ache to lay my hand in yours
and walk around your yard
listening
as you name each stretching green shoot,
you are happier dancing in the wind
whispering
grow, grow

********

If you haven't already, please visit Poetry Thursday and read this week's columns (and the particpants' Poetry Thursday posts too). Marilyn's words yesterday had me standing up in my little room and cheering out loud! I love poetry.

tangled up in minty green

life is like a ball of yarn…

sometimes it is seemingly perfect,

and then there are days when you get lost in the tangles,

but it is always full of beautiful potential.

This is me trying to be (ahem...) philosophical so that I don’t just take my scissors to this tangle. I would like crocheting a lot more if I didn’t spend twice as long trying to get the yarn into a ball that isn’t tangled than I actually spend crocheting.

Yes, my friends, these three photos are all connected, literally, by a thread.

just can't get enough pink

thanks for all the kinds words about my "abloom" purse...

it seems that i am surrounding myself with all things pink lately. i just can't get enough pink in my life...

i continue to sew fabric and paper and other bits and bobbins together...even though i am also working on some kind of a sinus infection, i am still having fun with all the ideas flowing through my head that i then translate into something tangible. an idea becomes something i can touch.

kelly and i keep brainstorming about ArtFest and all the fun that is to come. she is also helping me think through creating my shop and some other things. during our conversations, i have had to admit that i think i create obstacles for myself to prevent myself from accomplishing what i really want to do. i don't see it as fear in the moment, but that is what it is. i am giving it a name. it is, indeed, fear. i am afraid to admit what i want and who i am and who i want to be...

i have written down steps, attainable steps, of what i will do in the next few weeks to get my website, etsy shop, and other things together. i took the first step last night (order moo cards to hand out at ArtFest). tonight i went to the art store and bought two 8x8 canvases to use in creating two pieces for the ArtFest gallery (the pieces are already sketched! just have to make them real now). the next steps include creating just the front page for my website, organizing and making my trades for ArtFest, and finishing up a few things for the shop that is to come.

(deep breath mingled with a sigh)

i am so excited.

having too much fun...

for weeks and weeks now i have been creating bits and pieces of things for a little etsy shop i hope to open in the next few weeks...
but this weekend, i went to a fabric store in seattle with dana, and i found a fabric that i adored (you know that feeling? when you see a fabric you just want to drape yourself in, sleep in, curl up in?), so i decided to make something just for me...i have been so excited thinking about artfest that i decided to make a bag for artfest. something bright and cheery to signify how excited i am and how much the experience last year and looking forward to this year means to me.

here it is:

a little closer in so you can see all the colors (oh i want to just bathe in these colors) and a glimpse of the "patch" i created:

and here is a close up of the little fabric patch i made for the front (it is quite a bit easier to read in person); i bet you can guess that it is my favorite part:

i had never embroidered anything really, let alone letters, until yesterday. i love how it turned out. oh and just in case you can't tell, it says, "i am abloom."

a little glimpse into the pockets inside. there is one for my cell phone, another for my ipod, one for wallet and little bag of stuff i carry in whatever purse i am using, and another pocket divided in two so that one side can hold my favorite moleskine side that i carry with me everywhere and the other side is for whatever the else i want i guess:

yep, i am having way too much fun in my little room...

the road to enchantment

the resort where we stayed was nestled in this canyon...

while there...

i ate the yummiest ahi tuna i have had since jon and i went to maui for our honeymoon
i had two massages (planned to have one, but after the first, the therapist said, "you are having another one right?")
my mother taught me how to knit and crochet
i learned i hold so much in my heart and in my neck
i laughed, a lot, with my mom
i felt comfortable being naked
my heart (that has felt broken for almost two years, has been physically painful on and off for two years) was pushed to begin to heal (it hasn't hurt, at all, since the "soul seeker" experience)
i tapped into my native american past
i ate two meals at a restaurant wearing a bathrobe
i watched the oscars and howled, literally howled, when ellen made the "america voted for al gore" joke
i sat in comfortable silence with my mom
i didn't wear any make-up and got some sun on my face
i was given the assigment of taking three sea salt baths, but i had to use sea salt bath scrub, and the oiliness of the scrub caused me to get stuck in the bathtub because i couldn't get out without slipping, which meant i had to say, "mom, i need help getting out of the tub" and allow my mom to help me
it snowed
it was warm enough for flip flops
i fell in love with the red rocks
i felt far away from a lot
i felt at peace with who i am becoming
i remembered

a glimpse into my trip {poetry thursday}

back from sedona, trying to take it all in as i catch up on work and other things. in writing this poem this morning, i wanted to capture some moments spent with my mother during our trip. it really is just a draft of a poem, i need to peel back a bit more of it, fewer words i think (and i need to start a new knitting project to make sure i have the rhythm that i want in this). but it is a glimpse into some of our time together.

updated to add: this poem is actually about my mother teaching me to knit during our trip to sedona. because so many people have read my words about my grandmother in the past, i know that it would seem that i am talking about her here. the person "talking" in this poem is actually my mother talking about her grandmother (who was my grandmother's mother-in-law; they never really seemed to like one another, to put it mildly, yet they were so alike. and my relationship with my grandmother parallels my mother's relationship with her grandmother in many ways).

********

knit two, purl two

Curled up next to her I watch
patiently.
Her grandmother taught her this rhythm
her hands remember this rhythm
slide through
wrap
catch it
loop moves over
don’t pull too tight
do you see?
I nod
knit two, purl two
knit two, purl two

She hands me the yarn, the needles,
my grandmother said
my signature was to make
at least one mistake.
I hold the needles,
brown yarn through my fingers,
slide through
wrap
I thought that was kind in a way.

We sit in the quiet,
knit two, purl two
knit two, purl two
row after row
I remember when she unraveled
half a blanket,
“you have to get the first row”
she said, “or you ruin it all.”
Slide through
wrap
catch it
loop moves over
don’t pull too tight
breathe
my rhythm.

Not many people liked her,
my grandmother,
but we had something, an understanding.
I think it was because
I was patient with her.
I nod,
knit two, purl two
knit two, purl two
I know.

Days later,
my husband wards off the cold
with the knowledge, the mistakes, the rhythm
of the women who came before me
warmly wrapped around his neck.

a trip

tomorrow morning, i leave on a jet plane bright and early to meet my mom in phoenix. we are going to a spa in sedona for a few days. just the two of us. i can't wait!

on friday, i am getting a spa treatment called the soul seeker. as my friend missy said, "could you be any more obvious?" yes. indeed. i do not plan to meet my soul there as we are already quite acquainted. but, i do hope to gain some insight into a few things. and maybe get lost in a vortex or two for a little while...

(i took the above photo on a plane ride in 2005. a gorgeous morning where you could see four peaks out the side of the airplane. i hope tomorrow is just as beautiful.)