the road to enchantment

the resort where we stayed was nestled in this canyon...

while there...

i ate the yummiest ahi tuna i have had since jon and i went to maui for our honeymoon
i had two massages (planned to have one, but after the first, the therapist said, "you are having another one right?")
my mother taught me how to knit and crochet
i learned i hold so much in my heart and in my neck
i laughed, a lot, with my mom
i felt comfortable being naked
my heart (that has felt broken for almost two years, has been physically painful on and off for two years) was pushed to begin to heal (it hasn't hurt, at all, since the "soul seeker" experience)
i tapped into my native american past
i ate two meals at a restaurant wearing a bathrobe
i watched the oscars and howled, literally howled, when ellen made the "america voted for al gore" joke
i sat in comfortable silence with my mom
i didn't wear any make-up and got some sun on my face
i was given the assigment of taking three sea salt baths, but i had to use sea salt bath scrub, and the oiliness of the scrub caused me to get stuck in the bathtub because i couldn't get out without slipping, which meant i had to say, "mom, i need help getting out of the tub" and allow my mom to help me
it snowed
it was warm enough for flip flops
i fell in love with the red rocks
i felt far away from a lot
i felt at peace with who i am becoming
i remembered

a glimpse into my trip {poetry thursday}

back from sedona, trying to take it all in as i catch up on work and other things. in writing this poem this morning, i wanted to capture some moments spent with my mother during our trip. it really is just a draft of a poem, i need to peel back a bit more of it, fewer words i think (and i need to start a new knitting project to make sure i have the rhythm that i want in this). but it is a glimpse into some of our time together.

updated to add: this poem is actually about my mother teaching me to knit during our trip to sedona. because so many people have read my words about my grandmother in the past, i know that it would seem that i am talking about her here. the person "talking" in this poem is actually my mother talking about her grandmother (who was my grandmother's mother-in-law; they never really seemed to like one another, to put it mildly, yet they were so alike. and my relationship with my grandmother parallels my mother's relationship with her grandmother in many ways).

********

knit two, purl two

Curled up next to her I watch
patiently.
Her grandmother taught her this rhythm
her hands remember this rhythm
slide through
wrap
catch it
loop moves over
don’t pull too tight
do you see?
I nod
knit two, purl two
knit two, purl two

She hands me the yarn, the needles,
my grandmother said
my signature was to make
at least one mistake.
I hold the needles,
brown yarn through my fingers,
slide through
wrap
I thought that was kind in a way.

We sit in the quiet,
knit two, purl two
knit two, purl two
row after row
I remember when she unraveled
half a blanket,
“you have to get the first row”
she said, “or you ruin it all.”
Slide through
wrap
catch it
loop moves over
don’t pull too tight
breathe
my rhythm.

Not many people liked her,
my grandmother,
but we had something, an understanding.
I think it was because
I was patient with her.
I nod,
knit two, purl two
knit two, purl two
I know.

Days later,
my husband wards off the cold
with the knowledge, the mistakes, the rhythm
of the women who came before me
warmly wrapped around his neck.

a trip

tomorrow morning, i leave on a jet plane bright and early to meet my mom in phoenix. we are going to a spa in sedona for a few days. just the two of us. i can't wait!

on friday, i am getting a spa treatment called the soul seeker. as my friend missy said, "could you be any more obvious?" yes. indeed. i do not plan to meet my soul there as we are already quite acquainted. but, i do hope to gain some insight into a few things. and maybe get lost in a vortex or two for a little while...

(i took the above photo on a plane ride in 2005. a gorgeous morning where you could see four peaks out the side of the airplane. i hope tomorrow is just as beautiful.)

creating...

for weeks now i have been hinting that i will share what i have been creating lately. so here is a little peek into some of what has been flowing from my brain...

can you tell that i am having quite the love affair with fabric? don't get me started on the vintage buttons...or vintage handkerchiefs...or the ribbon, the trim, the vintage wooden spools of thread...

overheard (while listening to my ipod and writing)

feist (when i was a young girl)
when i was a young girl i used to seek pleasure

stevie nicks (landslide)
can the child within my heart rise above
can i sail through the changing ocean tides
can i handle the seasons of my life

deb talan (how will he find me)
there’s a well inside of me
that never runs dry

james taylor (up on the roof)
i’ll get far away from the hustling crowd
and all the rat-race noise down in the street

eddie from ohio (twenty thousand hearts)
to hell with distance
remember who you’re talking to

everything but the girl (walk the same line)
if you lose your faith babe
you can have mine

joshua radin (someone else’s life)
when i’m lost
i look at my picture of you

indigo girls (power of two)
the closer i’m bound in love to you
the closer i am to free

kenny rogers (love lifted me)
when nothing else would do
you know, love lifted me

paul simon (wartime prayers)
but when the wounds are deep enough and it’s all that we can bear
we wrap ourselves. in prayer.

finding the sprinkles of joy in the midst of it all...

a surprise in the mail from a kind soul in ireland. (thank you to you, my very own superhero.)

receiving the journal that i purchased from carla sonheim. (and a heart-felt email conversation with her.)

conversations with kelly as we brainstorm ideas for artfest and our artful lives. (and feeling thankful for the little nudges she gives me to stop talking and just begin.)

receiving this piece of kelly's artwork that she let me put my name on prior to the girly show. (i love knowing that this piece has the energy of being in that show but that the girl found her way here to her home with me.)

spending lots of time in my little room creating. (i hope to show you some of the things that are flowing out of my head soon...for real this time.)

my first al-anon meeting. (and feeling lighter when i left; as though that was the meeting i was supposed to attend on that day.)

a trip to the senior citizen craft store on antique row in tacoma where i visited with the seniors and bought an afghan and some other fun stuff that's all made by seniors. (the afghan holds me as i work and write.)

a blue-sky day spent with my husband. (eating breakfast, walking on the beach, just being together.)

charlie the crazy spaniel who runs with a rock in his mouth, then digs and digs while yelping with joy and then stops and picks up the rock and runs some more. (we watched him for a long time this morning at the beach...just laughing with him.)

vintage buttons. (ebay, thrift stores, antique stores...oh my.)

when two friends call me at the same time when grey's anatomy ended. (knowing i am not alone in how i visit tv land and think it is real.)

finding a new little shop in our town. (and meeting a doll that was meant to be mine...pictures to come.)

diving into a delightful book. (devouring it is the perfect way to spend an afternoon.)

spending an afternoon with my accountant, my 87-year-old great aunt. (i felt deeply connected to my grandmother as i spend this time with aunt honey, who is her older sister. from the food we ate to the way we laughed...it was healing.)

happy first birthday poetry thursday (and an invitation)

Please join me in a little one-year birthday celebration for Poetry Thursday!

Settle in with your favorite beverage and a little snack, get comfortable, and enjoy some poetry…

But first, if you want to, share the name of the last poem that spoke to you, to the guts of who you are. You can even add a link if you have one. I would love to know what is inspiring you in the world of poetry.

Then, go on over to Poetry Thursday to explore and see what all the participants shared this week.

an elephant in my living room {self-portrait challenge}

Two weeks ago, the elephant that has been sitting in the middle of my living room my entire life started talking to me. In the past, the elephant and I have successfully ignored one another. Because I learned that whenever I tried to talk with this elephant, I would be crushed or at the very least misunderstood. I have worn a path in the living room as I have tiptoed around the elephant my entire life. We have an unspoken understanding of how our relationship works. We pretend we don’t even see one another. In fact, I have figured out a way to avoid the living room all together. Yet, out of nowhere, the elephant decided it wanted to have tea and talk and take the shit off the shelves that has been comfortably sitting there for years.

This is the image I have been sitting with as I reflect on this new aspect of my relationship with the elephant.

On my drive up to Seattle Saturday, as I soaked in the blue sky and the mountains that surrounded me, I had a small shift.

What if as I try to sift through my feelings, I allow this elephant to be Ganesha? What if I channel my energy into seeing how Ganesha has been sitting in my living room my whole life just waiting for the moment when I would see him?

This doesn’t mean that I am equating the original image with a god. No. The original image is a big old elephant of unspoken crap that has sat in the living room for as long as I can remember. But, as I prepare to do some battle with my own internal demons and stuff that is clawing its way to the surface through this, maybe I can allow myself to realize that I do not go into battle alone.

The elephant god is ready, just waiting for me in the middle of my living room, whenever I decide I need assistance.

(see other self-portraits here)