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jonny and i spent the morning at a rummage sale i wait all year to attend. these are just a few of my treasures...
it always about the stories for me...the stories...
would love to see or hear about your five really good things.
please share...
i dare you.
having fun with color (stand in the light . new necklace in the shop)
a couple of years ago, i posted about a poem by sharon olds that made me exclaim "oh shit" right as i finished reading it. this "oh shit" had to do with the mirror the poet lifted in front of my life as i read her words.
i thought of this yesterday, as i sat in the mandolin cafe reading thunder and lightning
In all the years I was writing I had never imagined this response.
I learned I can't control people's reactions.
she was specifically talking about her ex-husband's reaction to her novel Banana Rose and how the book mirrored some of her own experiences, including their break-up. as the reader (and having read the book), i had my own assumptions about how he would react...about how "family" always reacts. but then goldberg writes that when he called her to tell her he had read it, his reaction surprised her and they had the best and deepest conversation they had had since the divorce. she writes:
I learned I can't control people's reactions. My job is to work with my writing and make it the best I can.
to this i nod and say yes yes (even as i stare at my notebook and cross something out worried that a member of my family might read it if i suddenly died and my notebooks were found and read and misunderstood).
but the way my mind was working in the moment i read those words had me jumping to another thought: i simply have to let people have their feelings.
there is a need inside me to protect the feelings of others. yes, i smile, this is what i tell myself. i want to protect them from the truth i want to share or from feeling bad because i need to set a boundary or from misunderstanding me. i twist and turn possibilities in my mind in this attempt to protect. how should i say this? how can i tell the truth? what will they think if i write that? what if i said, "what you just said deeply hurt me" or "what you said last summer was like a sucker punch"? what would happen if i just said "no"? the twisting and turning in my mind has begun to make me nauseated. it is as though i am at disney quest in chicago with my brother in the late nineties and we are inside that red spinning rollercoaster-like machine and i just want out.
here is the truth i so do not want to admit...to me...to you...to this white space in front of me. i convince myself that i am protecting people's feelings, when in reality i am simply afraid they won't like me. that they will reject me. that they will see me for who i really am. that they won't love me.
that is the simple and real and wide truth.
and this is indeed a lesson i have sifted through before, written about before. but this is another layer to the lesson. i don't see growth as part of a checklist. there is not space for, "oh good. glad i got that one over with. time to move onto the next one." each day, we learn another piece, perhaps repeating a lesson in a new way (or an old way). again, we fall into the hole in the sidewalk, but realize we know the way out.
for me, in this moment, taking a breath and simply inviting myself to let people have their feelings is another layer to this deep understanding that i am only in charge of my reaction. and i cannot stop others from having their reactions. it might be obvious, but that doesn't mean it is easy.
this is what i am focusing on right now: as do my best to i come from a place of truth and love as i walk in my life, i am only in charge of me.
it all is, again, another opportunity to step into the light.
to step into the light and see.
to then stand in the light and open my mind and heart to what i already know.
to stand in the light and be open to whatever will happen next.
(some of my ever-growing) vintage button collection . march 2009
Today is one of those days where I am finally catching up on a few things I really want to share:
I am (beyond) excited to share that Jen Goff and I will be team teaching a workshop this fall at Art and Soul in Portland. The class is an evening class about self-nurturing and is called "Recipes for Self-Care." (You can read more about it here.)
(The beautiful spirit who is) Glenny (and company) has created quite a fantastic lineup for this fall's retreat. There are so many great teachers at this event! Jen is also teaching a self-portrait class, Stephanie will be there and Judy and Katie and LK and Misty and Lisa and Carla and oh how the list goes on!!
Registration began yesterday and I encourage you to check it out at the Art and Soul website. Portland is one of my favorite cities and if you haven't visited, I hope you will think about coming and playing and connecting at this event this fall.
The first annual Squam Art Show: A Vision of Squam is taking submissions! This is going to be an incredible art show full of the energy and creations that represent this amazing event and the beautiful experience participants had last year. Liz Kalloch dreamed this idea into reality, and Susan Schwake is hosting the event at ArtStream.
I have been thinking about all I want to say about this and why you should submit for a while now, but then I read Kelly's post and then Jenica's post and, well, those two just say it all. In a nutshell: Squamettes, just do it!
There is a lot more information about the show here. (Note that you have to have attended the 2008 Squam Art Workshops to submit.)
And if you are thinking about going to Squam, well, I think you should. It is going to be all kinds of fun. (Read more about the June and September workshops here.)
I honor that attending art retreats like Artfest, Art and Soul, and Squam have invited me to see what being in community with open-hearted, real people can bring into my life. I honor that these events are part of the inspiration behind my decision to follow my dreams and create the Be Present Retreats. And as people register for the Summer retreat and as I work on the Fall and Winter retreats, I hold what I have learned in my heart and am thankful.
Hope things are beautiful in your corner of the world today...
frontyard, looking up . march 9, 2009
breath
space
holding on
heart
cracking open
seeking
beauty
twirling
thought
endless
hope
grasping
truth
front-yard dusting . march 9, 2009
this morning i awoke to snow on the crocuses. snow on the crocuses. i think this might be a delightful name for a blog or a poem. i should write that poem. perhaps i will. (if you decide to write it though, please share.)
the west wing and mash are my two favorite television shows of all time. all time.
i don't often find myself being pulled back to indiana. but when the snow falls, as it is doing now, and i see the birds flitting about hoping to get a quick bite before the temperature drops, i think about the house on oak road and suddenly i am eleven. i am eleven and the snow is falling at that house and i am looking out the kitchen window at the acres of woods and seeing the trees sway and watching the birds at the feeders, and i am believing that i am okay, that all of us in that house will be okay.
several times today i wished for a cup of coffee...and i almost made one. let me try again, i almost got into my car and went to the drive-through starbucks in my pajamas. instead, i settled for hot cocoa around 4 and was quite happy about that choice.
i really enjoy listening to books on tape...hmmm...i really enjoy listening to books on my ipod although i still call them books on tape. my favorites are mysteries. i love it when the person reading the book acts out each character, assigning a specific voice to each person. my favorites right now, because it is truly like listening to an old radio show, except for the part where it probably isn't as i have probably not really heard "an old radio show" before so let's instead say that it is kind of like what i imagine listening to an old radio show would be minus the sound effects and with a few more gruesome details about the crime scenes and other fun things...my favorites right now are the "In Death" series by JD Robb. I feel pretty okay that I can go from listening to Billy Collins on my iPod to listening to Kenny Rogers sing about a warm summer's eve to reading a (beautiful and deeply meaningful) book by Christina Baldwin to pulling down Kate Chopin's The Awakening to find that one specific passage knocking on my memory to listening to Promises in Death...all in one day. yep. that is a good day in my world.
the nice thing about listening to mystery books while i sew or crochet is that my mind is forced to quiet a bit. sometimes i just can't hush those whirring, swirling thoughts even as i try to let myself relax into the rhythm of creating. a good mystery book captures my attention and gives me the space me to sink into another world while trying to figure out who might have "done it."
i also love listening to memoirs, especially if they are read by the author. (do you have a favorite memoir? would love to add it to my list.)
my hair is long again. i feel like me.
sometimes i think i might be crazy to be trying out this new adventure in the midst of this economy. but then the core of who i am whispers to me and i remember why i am following this dream wherever it might take me...
what thoughts are on your mind in this moment? where are you?
betty models the new (all dressed up) soul mantra necklaces
i have been having fun with vintage beads lately and am introducing a new line of soul mantra necklaces to the shop. because of the sparkles added to them, i am calling this the "all dressed up" soul mantra line.
a new day, (an all dressed up) soul mantra necklace
each necklace includes a soul mantra pendant along with a gathering of a few vintage baubles. the colors of these beads are making me so happy. i had such fun while taking product photographs in different ways.
have faith, (an all dressed up) soul mantra necklace
the truth is that product photos are so important on etsy, and i have often struggled with them. but lately, i have been thinking of other ways to bring interest to the photos, so that someone will take that step and "click" to investigate more. we so often fail to discuss the marketing side of our little shops. i know it might feel uncomfortable to admit that we are hoping someone will click and investigate what we have made. yet, isn't that what we are hoping for? i think it is safe to simply admit that yes, this is true.
while taking these new photos, i realized i could capture the pieces of these necklaces that make me so happy: the colors, the shapes of the beads, the words...
and even though i was freezing (snow on the crocuses this weekend), it felt good to push myself and play. it is a gift to again be invited to look at the lesson that reminds me that it is when our hearts are the most open, when a smile tugs at our mouths, when we can stand back and say, "yes. love this," that this is when we know we are really doing it. this is when we understand why we were lead on our path to this moment.
and even though sometimes the path is so full of tangled thorny brush, i am grateful that the path brings me to a day in march where the sun shines on my head and i can take photos of what i have created and i can smile and just breathe it all in.
gearhart, oregon . february, 2009
the blue sky peeks in at me as i sit here, still in blue flannel pajamas, collar softly brushing my neck, and thick socks; a quilt someone's someone made years ago tucked around me. the childhood taste of cheerios and milk still resting in my mouth and the smell of both in the air. the "letting go" candle burns on the table beside me as millie sleeps to the sound of the heater kicking on and blowing its whirring warm air around us. i stare back at the sky through the slits. i stare back at the reaching toward the blue pine and let the whirring thoughts rest for a moment. the thoughts rest for just a moment as i breathe in and try to focus only on the way the breath moves around my heart and through my body from my toes to my crown. i focus on this breath and the blue and i close my eyes. i close my eyes as the salted water arrives and i try to hold onto the space. with each breath, i try to hold onto the space.
