a wish for today.

breakfast at cira's, south bend, indiana, 7.26.08

today, i wish that we could meet for breakfast. i could soak in all your wisdom and laughter and creative energy. i would learn more about me just by spending time with you over pancakes and summer berries and poached eggs and the best cup of coffee you have had a while. i would learn about you and your dreams and fears and hopes and beliefs and where you are on your journey.

today, i wish that we could meet for breakfast. you could share stories...pieces of the stories that make up your life and i could nod and just listen. i could just listen and honor the space that sits between us as you share you with me.

today, i wish that we could meet for breakfast. i could share the thoughts that have been crawling across my mind. i could put words to the feelings and trust that you would listen before judging. and you could trust that i would do the same.

today, i wish we could meet for breakfast. we would laugh and listen and eat and share and laugh some more. we would enjoy pancakes and bright red raspberries and blueberries and coffee and cool, fresh cream. we would share our stories.

and we would hold the space between us.

(thank you all for listening. for honoring my words by sharing your words. for holding that space a bit. thank you for inviting me to laugh out loud, to look at myself, to laugh at myself, to take a step back, to honor my honesty, to honor myself. simply put: you rock. peace and blessings to you all this sunday.)

almost...

driftwood, washington coast, april 08

Every now and then, I struggle with what I want to write on my blog because there is so much I want to say but I cannot find the words. I cannot find a post's worth of words because they are so stuck in my throat (and heart and gut), but I feel as though I have to get them out in order to move forward.

Last December, I wrote about what I almost wrote about and it seemed to help a bit.

I'm trying that again today.

*****

I almost wrote about…

How I struggle with the high school aspects of blogging. I am so thankful for all that this medium and the community I have found within it (and the friendships) have given me and how I have grown. Yet, I struggle with seeing the "cool kids" table and all that it brings. And wishing I was…and wishing I was not…

An experience that rocked me to my core late last month. Words said by another that cannot be taken back that invited me to wonder who I am and what I am doing and why. Words that invited me to feel like I needed, wanted, had to run far, far away. Words that I am trying to forget.

Feeling left out and how much that hurts.

The idea that we are always interacting with human beings in almost every moment of our lives. It might seem like they are simply voices or words on a computer screen or a car or a passerby or a memory. But behind every interaction, even very small ones, is a human being or two or three. I want to wear a t-shirt that says, "Human here." And, I want you to wear one too.

How we cannot be in charge of anyone's feelings but our own. We are only "in charge" of our reactions, of us. This isn't selfish; this is truth.

The things that could have been.

How I cannot be everything you need me to be.

The struggles of having an etsy shop and putting yourself, your creations, out into the world. The other side of art+craft shows, when things don't always go as you had hoped, when you don't sell as much as you thought, when the venue is not quite what it seemed…when you wonder why you are doing this at all.

The questions whizzing through my mind that all come down to this truth: I just want people to like me.

The reality that we share only pieces of ourselves on our blogs. We cannot know everything about someone just because she has an online journal. Why do we feel the need to judge? Why do we feel the need to pretend?

My need to let go of judgment and resentment.

How I am drifting back to my daily practice and finding me.

*****

(After typing all this, I thought, "Am I really going to share this? Why?" I guess I share it to let some of it go as I so need to do that. And I guess I share in the hope of letting you know you are not alone…thank you for reading...)

discoveries. inspirations.

waiting future, st. patrick's park, indiana. 8.3.08

catching my eye:
melissa's new fabric collection (and her delightful blog)
heather ross' blog
linda's new hats (i bought this one)

inviting me to feel less alone:
the words and truth of jen lemen
christine's authentic sharing

filling the well:
hearing jonatha brooke sing this song live and in person (and looking forward to hearing her again soon at squam)
the spirit of kindness girl (love this recent post)

what's catching your eye...
filling your well...
inviting you to feel less alone...
i'd love to know.

(love)

looking up in st. patrick's park, indiana. 8.3.08

She Responded

The birds' favorite songs
You do not hear,

For their most flamboyant music takes place
When their wings are stretched
Above the trees

And they are smoking the opium
Of pure freedom.

It is healthy for the prisoner
To have faith

That one day he will again move about
Wherever he wants,
Feel the wondrous grit of life—
Less structured,

Find all wounds, debts stamped canceled,
Paid.

I once asked a bird,
"How is it that you fly in this gravity
Of darkness?"

She responded,
"Love lifts
Me."

-Hafiz, from The Gift, translations by Daniel Ladinsky

today.

wishing...

for the cool days to continue with a few warmer days peppered in

for space inside my heart to let go

for the perfect piece of chocolate

to live in this moment instead of yesterday and the day before and the day before that

for moments to listen to the wisdom i have within me

for less fear and more do

for the rain, which i do love, to stop long enough for the ground to dry so we can go listen to jonatha brook and judy collins sing along puget sound this evening

for more peace within (for you, for me, for all of us)

what are you wishing for today?

five (really) good things (on a day where i really need 'em)

today was a day.
a bit like an alexander kind of day.
a bit like a day that started out as a day trying to drive me to the breaking point.
a bit like a day ending on a deep breath.

it is on a day like today that i do really try to find just a few things to make me remember all the good things...

like:

being with millie again after two weeks apart.

spending a second night in my very own bed in my very own home after spending 23 of the last 39 nights in other beds.

spending a bit of time with captain jack harkness and the doctor.

having a nice young man arrive at our home and say, "this is not a problem" (to what seemed like the beginning of one of those horrible weekend sci-fi movies but was really scary noise coming from within the wall in the living room that was causing me to have a borderline full-blown panic attack but was really wasps that had invaded us while we were gone and created a wee bit of major havoc).

remembering the importance of taking care of one another.

*****

think about the good things in your life...in this moment...then, share them. you know, if you want to.

postcard from indiana (8.1.08)

{front}
an ant's eye-level view of endless timer-sprinkled green suburban grass.

{back}

(often)
being quiet
being still
being present
and breathing
is the only answer.

postcard from lake michigan (7.29.08)

{front}
light blue with white wisps fading into pale blue fading into white fading into gray fading into sparkling, bright rippling indigo.

{back}

if you were here, we would record the sound of the waves curving, pulling, swishing, climbing, pushing, tumbling. we would record the sound of the waves so that whenever we were apart, we could each listen to the curves and the pulls and the pushing forward, forward, forward and remember.

(can you hear them?)
(do you remember?)