i raise my glass to happiness {self-portrait challenge}

A toast to happiness.

The bracelet, a Christmas gift from my mother, has the phrase, “Choose happiness” stamped into it.

It is always a choice. All of it. Happiness, sadness, quiet, life, laughter, love, truth, anger, fear…all of it.

But to choose happiness; sometimes I think that this is the harder path. When you choose to live in your life with your eyes wide open, you see the other stuff…the ugly stuff. When you are wide open to it all, when your heart is wide open, you can be hurt. Over and over again. You feel things and understand things and notice things that others may not be willing to notice yet. When you are living in your life with your eyes wide open, you also see the beauty. The gorgeous moments. You see it all. And through it all, you have a choice. You always have a choice. This can seem so hard at times. So. very. hard. Yet, you have this choice. Which means, really, that you are on the path that is full and rich and alive. The other path, the one full of not paying attention, that is the one that is harder even though it feels easier.

And you can still choose.

To choose happiness, even in the midst of all that you know, even in the midst of the pain and the beauty...it is such an incredible choice. Full of light. Full of life.

So tonight, I raise my glass to happiness. To deciding to choose it a bit more often.

(to see other self-portraits of red visit self-portrait challenge)

********

(And I want to also say this. The giving of presents is something I enjoy. I am always on the lookout for little gifts for my friends, family, people in my life. The moment when I find the “perfect” gift – the gift you know another person needs, well, that makes me so happy. And I love it when I can also be there when they open it. And I admit that I love, love it when someone gives me a gift that is so "me." But to put this note into context, I have to be honest about something: The bah humbug [whispering now…martyr] in me sometimes resents opening a gift and knowing that the person just simply didn’t take the time to think of me but instead just said, “crap, I need something.” Little do they know that for me, a hand-written note means more than another empty picture frame. I know, yes people, I know, this isn’t the spirit of gift giving, but I am willing to be honest about this. However…opening the gifts from my mom last night, especially this bracelet and a necklace she bought me…well, I just felt my heart sigh inside [in a good way]. These gifts mean so much to me. Gifts from someone who is seeing me and the path I am on. Thank you.)

good morning monday (december 18)

enjoying

that I am finally getting into the spirit of the season. (I didn’t decorate this year. at. all. [insert gasp].) the christmas music is playing as I type this (sarah mclachlan – thanks for the recommendation geek girl) and I am singing along.

loving

my bangs. yep. i love them more than i want to admit.

gingerbread lattes

watching

the fox and the hound. oh how i love this film. i wish i had the dvd (i caught it on the disney channel). that little todd (the fox) just makes my heart happy. i actually have a cel from this film. the scene between todd and vixey when he gives her the flower.

watching over and over

pride and prejudice. the new one. (the one i boycotted in the theatre but now love to watch because it can be watched in a short amount of time. i love the bbc version, of course, but this one is quite delicious.) my heart goes pitter-patter watching this movie and i find myself giggling out loud.

the muppets christmas carol. this is one of my favorite holiday movies. i can pretty much recite the entire movie. it makes my heart very happy.

singing

joshua radin and (right now) sarah mclachlan

(getting ready to start) reading

fiction: the mercy of thin air by ronlyn domingue (thank you my friend)
nonfiction: name all the animals by alison smith (saw it on the shelf and knew i had to read it)
crafty: plush-o-rama by linda kopp (it is kind a secret for no reason other than i can’t believe i am doing this but i have started making stuffies)

creating

christmas presents (i will share pictures soon!)

cooking/eating

this paula dean recipe (we are making it for dinner tonight) [update: put in the actual link...and want to report that it was delicious!]

nutter butters. haven’t had them in years but they were the food of choice during the black out. I like to separate each layer and eat them one at a time. such yummy goodness (going to eat the last one after I post this…here’s hoping I still fit into my jeans after eating all of them).

peanut butter and jelly on toast.

anticipating

using the new juicer we bought as an early christmas present for me. I am going back to my childhood roots and drinking apple juice all the time (ever since the nurse handed me some after one of my procedures last month – I now have a never-ending thirst for it). now I will be able to make fresh apple juice from the organic apples we get each week in our delivery (I. cannot. wait.).

visiting jon’s family this week. we will be spending christmas with them. and they are so excited, which invites me to be so excited. it is so nice to have people say things like, “we can’t wait until you two get here.” seriously. they are the best.

the new movie night at the museum. is anyone else as excited about this movie as me? I love this idea. a museum coming to life. that is freaking cool.

feeling very grateful

that my family and friends are safe.

that I am learning how to speak the words that are (sometimes) trapped in my throat.

for the community that exists here in blog world. (thank you for you)

that our power is on and we are warm.

for all of the good memories I have of my grandma. I think about her so much this time of year (isn’t that what we do when we have lost someone?) and I spend a lot of time in the sad that I cannot have new memories. yet, today, listening to this music, I am gently pushed to realize I am blessed to have so many positive memories. even though I will not open a gift from her on christmas eve, to live in the sad is to not honor her life and our friendship. (I know I will forget this over and over as I so desperately miss her, but it is good to remember it in this moment.)

anticipation {sunday scribblings}

looking up anticipation and finding “expectant waiting” led me to think about some phrases...

water when the soul is parched
warmth when the hands are cold
quiet when the head feels heavy
peace when the heart is hurting
support when the feet are tired
ease when the hips are tight
space when the brain is busy
laughter when the shoulders slump
compassion when the soul is aching
nourishment when the body is empty

these phrases have led me to the idea that our bodies are in constant anticipation or hope for a key to solve bits and pieces of their (of our) experiences. an internal map to help us through all that we are handed at any given moment. our internal compass perhaps. an anticipation of understanding that it will all, eventually, make sense.

(for more on anticipation, visit sunday scribblings)

A few (okay 100) things I have done in the last 48 hours

1. Checked my email.
2. Felt warm and snuggly in my house under only one afghan.
3. Watched Survivor.
4. Put on my pajamas (only one layer).
5. Brainstormed a few more crafty Christmas presents.
6. Turned off the light before turning over to go to sleep.
7. Opened my eyes wide when rain started to blow sideways against the bedroom window.
8. Let Millie up on the bed because she was wandering from my side of the bed to Jon’s side in a nervous puppy pace.
9. Got up to turn on the news to see what they were saying about the weather.
10. Said to Jon, “If we hear a tree start to fall, I want us to quickly roll off the bed onto the floor.” (he humored me and said it was a smart idea).
11. Looked out the window to see the wind blow.
12. Got back into bed to snuggle with Jonny and Millie.
13. Watched the numbers on my clock go to blank.
14. Watched the numbers on my clock turn back on.
15. Got out of bed to look out the front window and get a flashlight.
16. Put on a pair of socks and got back into bed.
17. Saw huge sparks fly from a transformer on the power line near our backyard.
18. Watched the numbers on my clock go to blank.
19. Happily let Jonny get out of bed to get two more covers for us and fell asleep again.
20. Woke up with Jon to figure out if he had school.
21. Looked for the corded phone for twenty minutes.
22. Found another flashlight and lit five candles.
23. Got back into bed.
24. Contemplated heating soup in the new fondue pot my boss sent us for Christmas.
25. Realized I had no idea how to call my boss since her phone number was on my computer.
26. Went back to sleep for a couple of hours.
27. Figured out how to call my boss (she was great and just said “enjoy the day”).
28. Listened to Jon call places until he found someplace that was open and had heat.
29. Got out of bed and did a jig when realized the hot water heater was still working (it. is. gas. equals. hot. water. yippeeeee.).
30. Went to Fridays for some food and then the mall (we thought we were going to be sneaky and get Christmas shopping done…along with thousands of other people who watched the numbers on their alarm clocks go blank. it was crazy.).
31. Went home to check on Millie and the power (still off).
32. Realized one of our neighbors lost a huge fir tree (thank goodness it fell to the street and not on their house).
33. Lit candles and put on four layers of clothing (including a new sweatshirt from old navy. merry Christmas to me).
34. Got in bed under five layers of covers.
35. Watched Jon realize that he didn’t have his iPod.
36. Got up and helped Jon look for iPod (could not find it).
37. Blew out candles and put on shoes.
38. Went to Jon’s school to see if he left it there (found out school was still locked because of no power).
39. Went to fred meyer (grocery store) even though they had no power. bought nutter butters, pound cake, bread, cheetos, chocolate doughnuts, water, five candles, dog food for Millie.
40. Sat in the passenger seat as Jon drove toward home through streets with no lights.
41. Decided to eat dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant (they never lost power).
42. Drank three mugs of tea and felt so very warm.
43. Sighed as we realized our neighborhood was still dark.
44. Saw a truck from the power company in our neighborhood.
45. Felt really hopeful.
46. Walked over all the debris on the front walk.
47. Put pajama pants back on.
48. Lit ten candles (thank goodness for zena moon).
49. Got back into bed and thought about how this is kind of like a romantic adventure.
50. Saw the lights from a power company truck shining through the window of our bedroom.
51. Kept watching the clock, hopeful that it was going to turn on any second.
52. Played several rounds of ziggity (a card game by the makers of cranium).
53. Let Millie on the bed (selfishly so she could keep us warm).
54. Read the New Yorker.
55. Listened to NPR.
56. Ate a nutter butter.
57. Blew out all but two candles.
58. Ate another nutter butter.
59. Fell asleep (woke up every now and then to confirm that yes, indeed, the numbers on the alarm clock were still blank).
60. Slept for eleven hours.
61. Woke up to put on more socks (power still off).
62. Walked out to the living room to look at the thermostat (48 degrees).
63. Went back to bed and read more of the New Yorker and then slept for a few more hours (yes, Jonny was sleeping too).
64. Ate some doughnuts and wished for coffee or tea.
65. Thought about calling my grandma to let her know how we were doing (then realized that I, of course, cannot).
66. Fell asleep again.
67. Woke up and called the electric company but was on hold for over thirty-five minutes so finally gave up.
68. Sighed because it was simply too cold to do anything in the house but stay under the covers.
69. Contemplated opening the Christmas gifts from my mom (didn’t).
70. Decided to get up and shower (thank goodness for hot water).
71. Was warm for the first time in fifteen hours.
72. Lamented about the fact that I have no idea how I will finish Christmas presents (contemplated taking the sewing machine to Starbucks and working there).
73. Had several silly arguments with my husband (the bed was really not big enough for us to spend twenty hours in it frozen like popsicles...romatic adventure over).
74. Slept for another thirty minutes (I think but really had no sense of time).
75. Realized, along with my husband, that it was three p.m. and we had only eaten doughnuts all day.
76. Decided to go out and get warm.
77. Apologized to Millie that she couldn’t go.
78. Got dressed (and thought that it would be a good idea to put my clothes in the dryer to warm them up but realized I, of course, could not do that).
79. Heard Jon say that we better get power soon or he was going to run out of underwear (to which I replied, “check the dryer” [phew]).
80. Went with Jonny to get some food.
81. Went to Barnes and Noble and looked through lots of crafty books (and bought one).
82. Drank a huge warm coffee (gingerbread soy latte).
83. Went to Joann fabric (to get some fleece to make more presents).
84. Decided that if the power was still out tomorrow we would go to a hotel.
85. Felt the warmth of the heated seats in the car and thought that it might be a good idea to sleep in the car tonight.
86. Realized that the stoplight by our house was working.
87. Saw lights on in our neighborhood (started getting excited).
88. Saw our outside light on (started doing a jig in the car).
89. Started thanking the electric company aloud.
90. Walked inside to a house that was a balmy 53 degrees.
91. Turned on some lights.
92. Turned on my laptop.
93. Thought about how we had been a bit melodramatic about this experience (and was thankful again that we have power and that the heater is whirring away).
94. Drank some hot tea.
95. Said a prayer with Jonny for the people who still do not have power.
96. Brainstormed a few more crafty Christmas presents.
97. Put on my pajamas (only two layers).
98. Watched Battlestar Galactica (and cried a little).
99. Felt (kind of) warm and snuggly in my house under only one afghan.
100. Checked my email (and wrote this blog post).

my senses can assault {poetry thursday}

my senses can assault.

sometimes I am prepared.

smell
lily of the valley blooms in May
(and in perfume, soap, lotion)
a freshly opened tub of ponds cold cream
yes, this will be you.

hear
a line in a song by Kenny Rogers
(“if I close my eyes, it doesn’t hurt quite so bad”)
your voice as I make applesauce
it has already happened, so I am ready.

touch
two pairs of soft fluffy indigo socks
(one mine, one yours)
a long flannel nightgown
memories of past Christmas mornings.

see
the picture in my studio
(we walk on the beach holding hands)
the turquoise on my right ring finger
I know you will be here.

but taste.

even my tongue can interrupt
the simple cadence of my day.

the cold, tart cranberry juice
hits my taste buds,
a usual event.

but today
it is this flowered glass,
similar in weight, texture, color
to the small faceted juice glasses
you would fill with this sharp red liquid
and put before me at the kitchen table,
mixed with the taste of peanut butter still on my lips
and the aroma of this tangy fruit juice.

the unlikely combination that leads me back
to you.

grief has no manners
no understanding of time and place
no tact
no empathy.
they say it comes in waves,
but I think it sucker punches you
whenever the hell it feels like it.

********

I started this poem a few months ago when I was eating peanut butter on toast and drinking cranberry juice out of a new glass used for the first time. Poetry continues to be a way to push through the grief. I stopped everything and just started putting the experience and emotions down into a poem.

Revisiting a poem and stepping back from it and finding a new phrase or stripping down an idea to the image you want to convey, I am enjoying this more than I ever imagined. I love poetry.

Read more poetry on this Thursday by visiting Poetry Thursday.

a shower

One of my favorite places to be is the shower. I close the shower curtain behind me and close out the world. It sometimes feels like the only place where I am myself and alone. No email, no phone calls, no pulling from the rest of the world.

When I am in the shower, I brainstorm and think and think and think and sing and meditate and chant and let the hot water beat against my back and stretch and sometimes sob and remember and try to forget and think some more. I also, sometimes, allow myself to let go and simply breathe…to simply be present in the moment with the water streaming over all of me.

This afternoon, I found myself thinking about my yoga class tonight; thinking about the intention I want to bring to the class. My thoughts turned to chanting and I suddenly started chanting to Ganesh. A mantra chant to the elephant god who is the destroyer of obstacles and represented by Om. The sounds swirled around me as I chanted a bit louder with each repetition. My thoughts shifted a bit and it was as though I was chanting this for all the people I know. Then as I continued, louder, sound vibrating off the walls of the shower, it was as though I was chanting for the world. As I lifted my arms above my head, this chant that creates space in my body and helps me tap into hope and determination became a chant to create these things for the world.

The coolness of the water moved we away from my focused singing, and I slowly quieted my voice. I picked up the soap and turned it around and around, between my pruned fingers, until the suds were thick. I soaped up my body with the intention of cleansing anything that came up during my chant. Then I let the water rinse it all away.

An unusual shower experience, but one that brought me out of my head and into a new, peaceful space.

continuing to seek the sexy {self-portrait challenge}

I look in the mirror with my brightened "redish" hair color and new bangs and wonder who the woman is in the reflection. I look different with bangs. I feel...of all things...sexier.

Sexier.

This was a bit unexpected. Especially because sitting in the salon wearing that cape that cuts me off at the neck (not to mention my hair in tin foil and then wet and stuck to my head), invites me to feel anything but sexy. In fact, I fight with myself internally as I sit there. Fighting the negative self talk that bubbles up. This afternoon, as I looked in the mirror, seeing my face, remembering all that I learned during the mirror meditation, I found myself smiling back at me.

And I thought, "I look cute and just a bit sexy..."

At the end of last month, I mentioned that I want to write and talk more about marriage/romantic relationships here on my blog. And bringing in the sexy...well, that is something most people in long-term relationships need to do more and more. Sometimes as the level of comfort increases, the need to bring in the sexy falls to the side as we stop "courting" one another. Yet, there is always this true need to feel desired and desire another. Why do we stop? Why do we forget? What are we afraid of? All questions to be examined on another day...

For now, I am just going to keep on the sexy red slip. Even if it is layered over jeans and under a sweater (it is December after all). Never know what might happen when someone comes home to see this sexy woman who is me working away on the couch in such an outfit...

(see other interpretations of the theme "red" at self-portrait challenge)

hooray for you (a little challenge)

I am heading to Los Angeles later today for a quick long weekend trip. Inspired by Ellen’s show yesterday, I want to challenge you to something while I am gone:

To say something positive.

About yourself.

Today.

Right now.

Think about it for a moment.

Let it be a strong statement full of beauty and truth.

I challenge you to even leave it here in the comments so you can declare it in writing (if you want to leave it anonymously, that’s okay, go ahead and do that).

I challenge you to say it out loud. To you. Declare it to yourself. And after you say it, I want you to imagine a huge auditorium full of people applauding. Imagine all of us out here in blog world giving you a standing ovation for your bravery and truth.

(I know, I know it sounds silly, but I ask you to do this. For you. Right. Now. We spend so much time letting the negative self talk take over. Just for today, seek the positive.)