my body as an enclosed space {self portrait challenge}

This week, my body prevents me from physically tucking inside an enclosed space and taking a picture for this month's self portrait challenge of tight spaces.

My body is my enclosed space this week. The aches in my back, hip, and down my leg have invited me to feel trapped in my own body. This body is used to stretching and bending and reaching and twisting. I love to forward bend in my yoga practice. I love to teach forward bending. I love to exhale into twists and feel my body open as I move out of the twist. But right now, my body cannot do any of this.

Tomorrow, I will meet with my yoga teacher in the hopes of freeing myself from some of this body claustrophobia. I keep singing that Queen song..."I want to break free....I want to break free." Yes. Three days of feeling trapped in my body is enough for me.

self-acceptance {a meditation}

Tomorrow, some of us will begin a two month daily reflection meditation. (To read more about this, see this post and this post.) The following meditation can be used on its own or as a starting point for the daily reflection meditation.

For this meditation, you need to have a mirror near you. However, you can choose not to use a mirror and instead imagine a mirror in your mind and imagine your reflection.

Updated in 2011: Consider spending at least 30 seconds looking in the mirror the first time you practice this meditation. Then, as you are ready, work up to a few minutes.

*******

 

Finding a comfortable way to sit, begin to come into your body. Close your eyes.

Take a moment to find your center.
Let you next inhalation begin there.

As you breathe, begin to reflect on the word acceptance.
What comes to mind?
An image? An idea? A feeling?

When you are ready, bring your mind to the idea of self-acceptance.

With your next inhalation, begin to invite self-acceptance into your center.
As you exhale, let this self-acceptance settle over you like a blanket.

When you are ready, open your eyes and look in the mirror in front of you.
Continue to breathe from your center, connecting with the self-acceptance that resides there, that is a part of you.

Notice where your mind travels.
Breathe your way into the feelings.
Try to let go of any judgment that arises.
When you are ready, let the mind rest in the center of the body, in this place of self-acceptance.

Namaste. 

four things

1) Seeing friends you have known for 15 years, spending time with them, laughing together over breakfast, walking down memory lane is quite a treat. (And retiring at the end of the day into a romantic cabin with your husband who listens to it all and holds your hand ain't so bad either.)

2) Seeing two people in love, and watching them get married, is a very nice way to spend a Friday afternoon.

3) Teton National Park is one of the prettiest spots in all the country (at least that I have seen). And Jackson Lake Lodge has one of the best spots in all the world to have a meal (I think there are probably other spots that are gorgeous out there but this one is up toward the top of the list and you should go there if you are ever in that neck of the woods). You can sit at a table right by a huge window and look out at Jackson Lake with the Tetons behind it. They are right there. And there is only nature between you and them. Have another drink of wine and take a breath and look again. Heaven.

4) I have always been able to say, "oh no, I don't have back pain, I do yoga." Until today. Around 2:00 a.m. this morning, I woke up in excrutiating pain. And it didn't stop when I took some Advil, when I woke up again, after I ate breakfast, on the trip to the airport, on the first plane ride when I was basically in tears from pain, while in airport #2 (though my mind was momentarily distracted by a nice dish of frozen yogurt), while finishing the first book, while on plane ride #2, while reading the first 80 pages of book #2, while waiting for our luggage, while waiting in the emergency room, while being told I had to put on a hospital robe (the second time tears began), while explaining to the doctor that standing seems to be the best option and reduces the pain by a tiny bit, while explaining the pain is up there on the 1-10 scale and that I haven't been in labor so I don't know if it is that bad, while being diagnosed with sciatica, while holding in the tears when the doctor left the room because this yoga teacher knows this diagnosis is not a good one, while waiting for special pills, while riding in the car home (finally), while eating thai food, while trying to finish work before going to bed. Nope. Pain. Now I "get" back pain. Whenever a student comes to me in the future to explain back pain, I will be able to nod and say, "oh how I know that."

What 4 things have you been up to while I have been gone?

eat, drink, and be merry (or in this case, married)

Later today, Jon and I are headed to Jackson, Wyoming for the wedding of one of my boarding school friends. In college, I spent a summer there with this friend and three others; it is gorgeous country. Jon has never been, and I can't wait to introduce him to it all.

While I am gone, please enjoy these two poems by Li-Young Lee (I have been smitten with his words since I "discovered" the poem "Persimmons" last week. The first is called "Eating Together" and falls into the realm of the PT food prompt; the second is a tender poem called "The Gift."

as a meditation {self portrait challenge} and another invitation

self portrait as a meditation (for self portrait challenge)

Last Friday, I wrote about taking self portraits and how this exercise has invited me to look at myself physically. I also wrote about being inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s article in the August issue of Yoga Journal. She describes a time in her life when she had a daily practice of looking in the mirror at herself to find the beauty. Her beauty. Even though this invites various emotions inside my head and heart, I am going to begin this practice. A daily reflection meditation.

My practice will begin August 1st and continue for at least two months. I know me, and I know how hard it is for me to stick with something that might be a challenge, so I am committing to this today. I am going to check in about it here, each Wednesday, during these two months. And I hope a couple of you will gently hold me accountable as needed.

Over the last few days, some of you have expressed an interest in joining me in this practice. I appreciate that each person may have varying levels of interest, but I feel the need to put this out in the universe:

Will you commit to two months of this reflection meditation with me?

Here are some things to think about if you decide to say yes:

Find a place in your house where you can be alone, just you and a mirror.
Find a time just for you. Let family know you will need a few minutes to yourself.
Turn the ringer off the phone/move it to another room/choose a room without a phone; commit to letting go of the outside world during this time.
You might want to use a small notebook or journal to write down a reflection after you finish the meditation.
There is no time limit or expectation. Some of us may start at 30 seconds, others at 5 minutes; let your heart guide you to figure out what works for you.

I will continue to post ideas and encouragement during the next two months. I want to balance the idea of the importance of community through this experience while honoring the deeply personal practice of this meditation. I believe the community already exists in blog world and participating in something like this, and blogging about it if you like, will only make this community stronger. At this point, I am not going to create a list of participants. However, if you want to, you could email me, and let me know you are joining the meditation. I appreciate that some people may choose not to blog about this but would still like to let me know they will participate, and I would love to be able to check in with you throughout the experience.

Next Monday, I will post a meditation that you can use to get you started with this practice. 

I hope some of you will come along on the journey.
Namaste.

an invitation...to really look

Taking self portraits of myself has become part of my routine over the last few months. To pose for the camera, to pose just for me, to look at myself. After taking lots of pictures (except in March when I took just one a day), I look at them and often hear that inner voice who just wants to let me know that I am not pretty. Eventually, I find the one photo that I can share with, well the world, but also the photo I can agree on, with myself, to stare at whenever I come to this page.

My journey has been about the work inside. Unpacking the baggage, looking at it to see if there is something to learn, if there are reasons amidst some of the shit. Looking at the moments I am triggered and why, looking at the patterns, and so on, but also to recognize the beauty that is there, that is part of my life. The beauty of the world around me, of the people in my life, of the path I am on, and the beauty inside me. But throughout this, there is this piece of beauty on the outside. The other stuff seems like the hard stuff. But this outside piece, accepting my physical looks, this is a big part of the baggage as well. I have just been so focused on the inner stuff because it is easier, on some level, than…well, than looking at the outside…of me.

As I mentioned on Tuesday’s post, on Monday, when I took this week’s self portraits, I felt something shift as I looked at my face on the computer screen in front of me. There have been moments of this over the past few months, a whisper of self-acceptance. There has been an awakening and a determination to get over my negative body image and “face beauty” issues. But it then it goes back to a whisper, and most of the time, I just forget to listen for it.

In the August issue of Yoga Journal, Elizabeth Gilbert (the author of the "much talked about in blog world" book Eat, Pray, Love – a book I really want to read) writes about finding her own beauty. After realizing she was wrapped up in being self-critical of her looks to the extent it was consuming her, she asked a yogi friend of hers what she should do. The woman recommended she spend time, every day, looking in the mirror until she recognized her own beauty.

A piece of my negative physical image is about my body: Not being thin enough, always being “my biggest friend,” not being able to find clothes sometimes, having clerks give me "that look" when I walk in certain stores. But another piece is wanting to feel pretty. Wanting to be one of the pretty ones. Wanting to see my face as pretty. As Gilbert says, “A person’s face is, you might say, the spokesperson for the soul.” Yes. And I want people to see my soul, but first they see my face. The face that often has multiple chins. The face that looks tired and is gathering wrinkles each day.

As I read about Gilbert’s experience, I began to wonder if I could have a daily meditation where I sit across from myself, all alone, in the quiet, and look at my own face. I could start with one minute…or maybe 30 seconds. And work my way up to a few minutes. Each day. Until I recognize me.

The idea is that you have to accept the shell that carries your soul, before you can let go. Let go of the desire to be the pretty one, of the ego involved, of the past that might hold you a bit too tight. Let go to be free of the way your body image weighs you down when you are trying to fly.

Do you want to join me? We could start with 5 seconds, 45 seconds, 2 minutes. We could do this together. A daily meditation of reflection. A daily meditation to recognize the beauty.

random thoughts on my mind...

Right now, the man who is doing some sort of work on the house across the street (and has been for a while now) is stretched out, prone, on their roof soaking in the sun. It cracks me up. I wonder if the retirees who live in the house, who are always looking out the window, are thinking "where'd he go?" Because I am camped out at the dining room table (I am often on the couch instead...my back likes the couch better than a chair when I am using my laptop but because I have to use a mouse for this current project and because I am working 12-16 hours days on said laptop I have to be able to see out the window and this room has the best light), I can chuckle out loud at a man sunning himself on a roof across the street.

This week, I have been listening to Deb Talan's CD "a bird flies out" over and over and over. If you are on a journey...

to find yourself

through grief or sadness

of awakening

looking for love

realizing you have wings

...well, my friends, this is the CD for you. You should buy it/download it right now (and when you do, you should come back and tell me all about it). If you already own it, go turn it on. Right now. These songs have filled me up this week. Filled me up. I keep listening to Talan's sweet voice with headphones on and I just sing along. Out loud as though I am in concert with her (my husband is so patient with me and my little quirks). I feel like her lyrics have just stopped right in front of me, peeked inside my soul, and given me the gift I needed this week.

When I work for this many hours, and late into the night, I dream in Word. Literally. Last night I was trying to figure out how to fit myself (as in me, the person, me) inside a bullet point in a document in Word. I think I need to sit in a dark room with an eyepillow over my eyes and just a quiet CD of chanting playing in the background. For about five hours.

I keep thinking of that poem "Persimmons" I posted the link to for Poetry Thursday. That poem is incredible. Even if you aren't "into" poetry...or you don't like long poems...take a moment to read it out loud. It might change your life (those last lines...his father's words...they will haunt me forever).

Storypeople. Some of you noticed the Brian Andreas prints behind me in my self-portraits this week. I am a bit of a collector (we have a lot more than these four...you don't even want to know how many). Right after my parents separated in 1995, my mother and I found Andreas' work in a little shop in Berea, KY. I had also just discovered Sark's books. The combination of these two amazing, creative, soulful artists changed my life. With Storypeople, I have found that there are stories that speak to me at different times in my life. I have given some prints away when it seems that they have spent enough time with me, and someone else needs them. (But the sculptures, well, the sculptures I don't give away but I have loaned one with that same idea in mind.) If ever you stop by for a visit, one activity I would love to do is sit down with some Storypeople books and read the stories out loud. Oh yes. That is one of my most favorite things to do. You take a couple of books, I take a couple, we share the ones that invite us to laugh out loud, nod in agreement, sigh, tear up a bit, the ones that speak to our souls. We can drink tea or wine and have cookies and cheese. Until then though, you could go to the website and let me know which stories you love. (And if you want to know some of my favorites email me.)

Oh and an update on my brother the rock star. He is living in Portland doing the rock star thing. His pet project Daytime Volume (he is also the drummer in the band) has just been signed to a label in Portland. They will be playing at the CMJ Music Marathon in NYC in October. Very cool. But before then, you can hear them in Portland next month! Check out their myspace page.

it's all about the layers around here {poetry thursday}

happy poetry thursday to all!

i didn't have time to bring my pen to paper and write my own words this week (too busy editing the words of others), but i did venture out into the web to find some poems that got my mind turning a bit.

for my post at PT today, i talked about layers. i feel like poetry is all about the layers of our lives, but i think this is because poetry is really about the journey that is life. this is why poetry has plopped itself down into the middle of my world. and why my response was simply "you are welcome to stay" when i realized it wasn't going to leave.

as i read this poem, "Persimmons" by Li-Young Lee, the words wrapped around me like a blanket and i settled into the poet's memories as he peeled them back, layer by layer. i admit to letting the tears just fall as i read the last lines again this evening. not that it is sad so much as gorgeous. it is as though the lines have reached inside of me. inside of my heart. i breathe them in.

i love poetry.

and then i visited "True Love" by Sharon Olds. over the last few months, she keeps stopping by for tea. and how lucky am i to read her words when she does. this poem speaks to a piece of the reality of married sex. how it is to feel so very comfortable with another person. to be yourself with this person. to love one another. but to also venture down the hallway to the bathroom in the middle of the night together after you have made love...

and finally...i discovered a delightful podcast about sex, weddings, and wrestling at poetryfoundation.org. click over to this page and scroll down to the May 24, 2006 edition. sit back with your tea, or wine, or coffee, or ice cream....and enjoy.