home

On Thursday I am heading back to Indiana for a quick visit. See each of my parents, go to a Notre Dame football game with my dad, spend one or two days working/training with the woman who hires me to edit.
As I look to this weekend, I am thinking about the idea of home. Am I going home?
What is home to me?
I think I want to spend some time thinking about this over the next few days - maybe make it a theme for the week here on my blog.
I spend a lot of time stuffing my thoughts/feelings about this subject. Maybe it is time to take a peak. Stay tuned.

You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it's all right.
Maya Angelou

feeling "buggy"

I am fighting off some kind of bug this week...so I will leave you with the wise words of a great woman and go back to bed.

Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that's where I renew my springs that never dry up.
Pearl Buck

the green alien

Fears.
I would never describe myself as fearless.
At least fearless with my physical body.
I am envious of people who have tried things that scare them.
I am envious of people who have hobbies that might put them in "danger."
I don't ski, rollerblade, ice skate, water ski, dive, climb trees, climb mountains.
I don't like trust falls. Ever.
But this summer, for some reason, the most natural thing in the world to me was to get into this little basket attached to this big poofy thing and fly.
Fantastic.

It was not scary. At all.
It was beautiful. And as we went up I laughed and laughed with joy.
I went up twice.

I am working on it.
Being fearless.
Working on it.

voting

I voted.
Love that feeling.
Placing your ballet in the machine.
Watching it get sucked up and counted.
Love it.
Proud and honored to have this right.
We must never forget how lucky we are.

missing you

I have been dreaming about you. Over the last few weeks.
Sometimes you know that you are gone. Other times, I have to tell you. Always there are tears.
Early this morning, I had one of the ones where I have to tell you.
I woke up crying.
I hate that this is true.
Some days the realization that you are gone tiptoes across my heart. I take a deep breath and I go on.
Other days I am completely shocked. The remembering pulls me out of wherever I am. I am sucker-punched. I cannot breathe.
For the first time, I am trying to let the tears really come. To feel the deep, wide, sharp pain.
Before your death I thought I understood grief. I did not. At all.
This morning, I suddenly found myself crying in the shower. The tears falling as the water rushed over my body. With the sobs I began to shake. My knees bent and I curled up into a ball. The water pounding my back.
It is the need to breathe that brings me back from the tears.
So I breathe.
But still, the missing. I did not know it would be like this. I did not know how it would be, but this, this is so much pain.
I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice.
I want to touch you. Take your hand as we walk around your yard. Brush your hair. Read to you. Drink pink lemonade together. Laugh with you. Solve problems. Argue about anything. Kiss your forehead.
I want you to be there. And that is a part of me that is really really angry that you are not.
But mostly, I am just sad.
Today was our first day with sun in quite a while.
So I took Millie and went outside. We stood in the sun.
I did this because I knew if we talked on the phone later today. If we could. You would say, "I saw that you had sun today. Did you get outside?"
Yes. Grandma. I stood outside in the sun. Listened to the chickadees. Watched Millie chase squirrels. Looked for four leaf clover. Thought of you.
And even though when I wake up and realize that my dreams are true. That you are gone. That I can't call. That I can't visit. Even though I cry when I wake up. Please don't stop visiting me.
I see your face, with every line. I see your hair, white. I see you. My friend.
I hug you. And I feel you hug me.

an answer to the tag

Kim tagged me last week! Finally I have a response...

20 random things about me:

1) I drive a new beetle. It's platinum grey, and I always smile when I see it.
2) Lilies of the valley are my favorite flower; they remind me of my grandmother and the smell of her Pond's Cold Cream.
3) Fall is my favorite season. Until Spring rolls around, then I say Spring is my favorite.
4) I am afraid of going under water.
5) Because I didn't like getting water on my face, I didn't take showers until I was 9.
6) Now, showering is like a meditation for me. I love feeling the hot water on my body and the alone time I have to brainstorm and relax.
7) I am a Gemini and so it my husband. It sometimes makes for interesting disagreements.
8) I went to theatre camp the summers before 7th and 8th grade (I recently found out that Jeremy Piven went there too).
9) I still have dreams about my cat Daniel. He was my cat from 5th grade until he passed away my senior year in college. He was named after the character Daniel in Karate Kid, and when he was a kitten he looked a lot like this kitty.
10) I enjoy sushi so much that I would eat it for every meal if I could.
11) I love visiting Disney World. I somehow block out the crowds and craziness there and just embrace feeling like a kid again.
12) I love watching Celebrity Poker Showdown on Bravo (no one believes me because this isn't a typical "liz" thing - but I find it quite enjoyable).
13) Chocolate ice cream is my favorite dessert.
14) When I am in a restaurant, I am sometimes an eavesdropper - some people use the loudest voices and I can't help but wonder what they are talking about.
15) I might be the person you are laughing at as you drive in your car because I am that person who thinks she is having a private concert while driving.
16) I like to start listening to Christmas music the week of Thanksgiving. It drives my husband a little crazy but he tolerates it (I think he knows that if I really had my way we would listen to it at other times of the year).
17) Because I am an editor, I can't read things without finding errors. You would be surprised where I find them - popular magazines, popular fiction.
18) The only place I have been "overseas" is Israel. Almost every one I know has been to London or Paris or Greece or Italy. Not me. Just the middle east.
19) I never laugh at bodily function stuff. I am that person who keeps a straight face at all costs. Until a few months ago when the vet was explaining our dog Millie's anal gland problems. I could not handle it. I was basically biting my lip to stop from cracking up out loud. It was very funny and embarrassing. My husband was looking at me like "have we met?"
20) When I am feeling blue I love to watch the movies You've Got Mail and Emma.

7 things to do before I die
1) Get a tatoo
2) Go to Paris
3) Take ballroom dancing
4) Open my own yoga studio/bookstore/store that sells pajamas
5) Continue to let go of more of my stuff - literally and figuratively
6) Have tea with Sark
7) Write a book (and have someone read it)

7 things I cannot do
1) whistle
2) stay quiet for an entire movie (but I am not one of those "talkers" and I do whisper!)
3) go to bed without reading first
4) start my day without breakfast
5) stand on my head
6) go to Barnes and Noble without buying something
7) go without checking my email for an entire day if I am at home

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1) warm eyes
2) kind smile
3) gentle hands
4) sense of humor
5) ability to laugh at themselves
6) look me in the eye
7) challenge me to be more

7 things I say most often
1) The reality is...
2) I'm doing the best I can.
3) No worries...
4) God Bless America (instead of swearing - though I do that too)
5) Millie, chill
6) Jonny, can you...? Jonny, will you...?
7) It's okay. (When someone is crying. When I don't really want to do something. The possibilities are endless.)

7 Celebrity Crushes
1) Patrick Dempsey
2) Colin Firth
3) Robert Redford
4) Marlon Brando (circa 1951)
5) Rob Lowe (as Sam Seaborn on The West Wing)
6) Rock Hudson
7) Johnny Depp

I tag Erica and acumamakiki

turning the page

Michelle asked me about the books I am reading right now...

I tend to have several books of non-fiction on a shelf in my family room where I put the books I am reading/will be reading soon. I sometimes read a couple at the same time. Trying to let the ideas, words, images settle in my mind. I read quickly and as a result, I don't always synthesize everything - a habit that is great if you are reading a mystery but not so good if you are trying to learn. I find if I read a few non-fiction books at one time I take in more information. Let the words speak to me. Take a break. Move on to another topic for a few days. Come back.

But before I go to bed I like to read fiction or a magazine so that I don't get my brain too energized (though I have been known to read until the wee hours of the morning with my little book light as my husband and Millie the dog sleep).

Last week my husband surprised me with a new book (as a thank you for handling a plumbing crisis in the midst of a super busy week! - such the sweetheart), so I am currently devouring The Big Over Easy, by Jasper Fforde. I love the worlds he creates in his literary mysteries.

After I finish this one, I will be heading back to:
Thunder and Lightning by Natalie Goldberg
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
Spilling Open by Sabrine Ward Harrison
and a book of poems called Origami Bridges by Diane Ackerman (I like to read one when I first take a bath and then close my eyes and think about it while I relax)

And in honor of the film that comes out next month, I have started to dive back into The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. I re-read this series about every two years. I never read it as a child; a friend introduced me to it when I was in college. I adore this world where you find yourself in the midst of the most glorious adventures as you fight for what is right with the support of a true, honest, loyal lion. I start with The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe because Lewis wrote this one first (my understanding at least), even though The Magician's Nephew is the first chronologically. This is the book I will have with me in my bag to read when I am out and about, waiting, at a coffee shop...

After this post by acumamakiki, there are a few more books on my list to check out from the library/look for at the used bookstore.

Love to turn those pages, enter those other worlds.

a visit to come

Tomorrow my dear, dear friend Super H arrives. She lives in LA and this will be her first time up here to the Pacific Northwest. I can't wait for long conversations where we solve the problems of the world and the problems in our own worlds, lives...or at least try. In the midst of these serious moments there will be laughter and maybe tears and naps and reading aloud from Brian Andreas' storypeople books (we ALWAYS do this) and probably a few adventures.

It has been a long day. I am feeling so good about teaching yoga. Inviting others to find balance, strength, calm, peace. Now I need to find this for myself tonight. So I am going to bed to read a little of my current book and then sleep.