pumpkin spice and a secret

One great thing about the chill in the air this week is that I am enjoying these: pumpkin spice lattes.

This is one from the Mandolin Cafe; this wonderful coffee shop near our house in Tacoma. It often bustles with people having great conversations, studying, writing, reading.

Shhhh...my secret is that I have decided to tackle this: NaNoWrMo. I plan on spending a few hours a week writing at the Mandolin Cafe, drinking a few cups of coffee or tea.

(though I think I am CRAZY. how can I write 50,000 words in one month. my day was so crazy i didn't even write one. wrote a few in my head though. oh well. even if i only write 5,000, it will be more than i have now. am i trying to do too much here? tackling too many things i have always wanted to do? i am searching for purpose i think. ok...take breath.)

flying

Finding my voice, creating, letting go of my own judgement, having fun...

(if you move the paper with swirls, you see the phrase "do not be afraid")

let it out

To be brave, speak my truth.
To breathe, think deeply, then speak.
To trust. Me.
To be open to new ideas, friends, possibilities.
To be grateful for what I already know and the lessons I continue to learn. (over and over and over again)
To own what I want to do: write more, create more.
To let go of the fear of failure.
To let it out. The joy, the laughter, the sadness, the silliness, the beauty, the colors, the words.
Let it out.

inside out

if i keep stuffing what needs to escape,
it'll just circle my mind until gaining enough
momentum to blurt its case in public,
shoving my insides out, while my
outsides are aching to climb in.

- susan mrosek
(check out her website www.ponderingpool.com)

a wish

Look at those big eyes, a little unsure of the camera and that large orange face next to him.

I love this kid.

His energy, his laughter, his sense of self. His kind heart.

Does he know that I wished for him? At Gino's, an Italian restaurant back home in Indiana, I held that penny tightly in my hand as I walked up to the fountain. Squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. "I wish for a baby brother." A four-year-old wanting to change the course of her family.

The patience he has with others. The way he tries to help everyone in a room feel comfortable. How he goes out of his way to talk with people, even though talking with people is not always something he wants to do.

A few weeks ago, my baby brother joined me out here in the Northwest. We are now two hours away from each other instead of two plane rides.

How much he has learned about himself in the last two years. How this journey has made him stronger, braver, and more open.

Yesterday, I was lucky enough to spend the day with him. Learning, laughing, working, eating. He invites me to look at my life in a different way. He has become one of my teachers. How blessed I am that his soul heard my wish, and he came to this family.

why wait

"it is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts."
K.T. Jong

and i danced

I started ballet at 4 and danced until I was 12. Flowing, moving, breathing, up on the toes, deep bends at the knee, launching the body into the air in a spin. I loved it. There were reasons why I stopped (a story for another time). Initially, I was drawn to yoga because the movements in yoga postures connected me to the dancer I was as a child. Every now and then in a yoga class someone will comment on my arms and how I move them like a ballerina. I chuckle (it really does come out like a chuckle) because I am amazed that person could see a ballerina inside this body, so distant from that time of point shoes and dreams of becoming someone I am not.

I have been teaching yoga at a new studio in my town for the last few weeks. It is so new that my classes are not always full and sometimes I sit there waiting for one student, please just one student, to show up. And every now and then, I am there alone. Often my thoughts are negative when this happens. I am upset because I want to teach. I want students! My ego gets involved.
Yesterday, I found myself sitting calmly in the studio, waiting. I was substituting for another teacher who teaches two classes back to back. No one came to the first class so I had quite a bit of time to sit with myself. I had on the music I use during class. I stood up to get something to read, and this movement of getting up shifted my attention to the music. I began to move.

I point my toes out in front of me, lift my leg up high. Spin in a pirouette. Let myself feel my body come up on my toes, move quickly, bend, leap across the room. Spin again and again. Bring the foot to the knee then back out to the side. Reach the arms up to the sky and come back on the toes. I became the ballerina inside me. I found her again. I wasn't just connected to a distant memory in the mind but to the memory in the body. And I danced.

Letting go of the attachment of "needing students" to show up for class. Letting go of the shame that this body can't move like a ballerina anymore. Realizing that it can. Finding the space to move, breath, connect deeper within. Allowing myself this time for me. The students will come when they are ready.

And a student came to the later class. And another came to my noon class today. And after the noon class, I danced again. Welcome back.

"Dancing is just discovery, discovery, discovery."
Martha Graham

some favorites today

Meet my new uglydoll Jeero. I bought him today at Portage Bay Goods in the Fremont neighborhood in Seattle. His new home is in my home office, near my desk, so that we can exchange ideas throughout the day. It gets lonely sometimes...and I think he is going to invite me to crack up with laughter every now and then. I will keep you posted.

Sunday morning yoga classes at Planet Earth. My teacher's classes are always what a yoga class should be - I walk away feeling stretched, relaxed, strong, and centered.

Walking through the Fremont Market. If you are ever in Seattle on a Sunday, you must check this out. Even on a rainy day you can find treasures (like my new hat, flower pin, and the fun gift I bought for J - pictures to come).

Talking about, what I call, "the guts of life" with a friend over a snack. It is incredible to be able to share who you really are with someone and have the gift returned to you when she does the same. Then laughing together as we sit on a couch in a bookstore and read this book. It is so much fun to share this book with people. Cracks me up every single time I read it (though I don't own it; I think I enjoy discovering it again every few months).

Laughing with J about how bad the dinner we made turned out. Thank goodness for Baskins Robbins to save us with a perfect dessert.

Sunday nights on the couch:
Watching The West Wing. I was so caught up in the story line (as I have been with every episode for the last 7 seasons), I started to cry at the end as Toby left the White House. I am not kidding. I think I might be a little too involved with this show...but for those 60 minutes, I believe that those people are in charge of my country and I love them for it.
Grey's Anatomy. Dr. McDreamy indeed. Though the women in his life are giving him too much power in my opinion.

It was wonderful to have a day that seemed like a true break from it all. I didn't feel pulled it 20 directions; I did things just for myself; I had a little bit of retail therapy; and I connected with people. Bravo me.

self-care

"Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself."
Michel de Montaigne

I want to say so much about this quote...but I realize it says everything I need to say today. Repeat it to yourself so that it becomes a whisper inside your soul.