listen

Came across this quote today.

"Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God."
Martin Luther

I have been thinking about this aspect of my journey for two reasons:

Yesterday I spent time in the spiritual philosophy and yoga sections in a used bookstore in Seattle. I love the books on Buddhism next to the books on Judaism next to the books on Islam next to the books on Christianity. Would four people from different faiths stand as close as these books do? On my shelves at home, I like to put my books next to other books they might be able to learn from. Elie Wiesel is next to St. Augustine who is next to What the Buddha Taught who is next to Thomas Merton who is next to Harold Kushner who is next to Pantanjali's Yoga Sutra...and so on. I love the thought of them whispering to each other, learning, teaching. Being with these books invites me to feel calm and centered.

And then today my reflections continued after I read this post by la vie en rose. She shared some real truth about her spiritual journey.

I believe that when you feel joy in your heart, the excitement that makes your breath catch, you are on the right path. And that path may, at times: wind. seem dark. be full of laughter. be full of doubt. seem not to be right. invite you to feel overwhelmed. But that doesn't mean that it isn't the right path. The most important thing for me is to continue to listen deep within, to make sure that I am being honest with myself. I believe that we have this truth, this honesty within us. Taking the time to be quiet to have this conversation within is the challenge for me. And then having the strength to share what I learn, what I know with others when they ask - that can be a challenge as well. We do not want to be judged. We must remember not to judge others.

I have to find a place for my new book. Probably will put it next to my other Kathleen Norris books, but I may just put it next to this one to let them share some secrets.

the lessons...always the lessons

Another day filled with lessons. I can't escape them. This must be what it means to be a grown-up. But I also know that this is what it means to be a person open to the lessons. Only when you are open to them do you see them for what they are. (Though that doesn't mean that they won't repeat themselves until you learn them.) Now that I am here and aware, really, they will never stop. Still, could I have one day of peace? Just one.

Pesky Growth
By Brian Andreas

I finally got to exactly where I wanted to be, she said, so why won't all these growth experiences go away & leave me alone?

reminding me

Be your authentic self. Be strong. Be true to who you want to be. Be yourself. Be afraid. Be willing to let go of your fears. Be silly sometimes. Be caring. Be gentle with others. Be gentle with yourself.

Let go of the ego. Let go of the need to be someone else. Let go of the images of who you think you should be. Let go of the pain, sadness, hurt. Let go of who you used to be. Let go of the need to be serious. Let go of the need to hide. Let it go. Let it go.

Remember you know enough. Remember you are enough. Be gentle with yourself. Let it go.

I give myself permission to do it my way.

take two

Went to see Elizabethtown today. One of the previews was for this movie. The clip was priceless and a great follow-up to the post below...

Also, there is something really great about going to a movie alone. Though it still is expensive to go alone. Liberating though.

(oh and my vote is wait until elizabethtown comes out on video)

my favorites

This week, I love:

This song. (scroll down to hear a clip, song #2) Have it on my ITunes playlist on my computer. When it comes on, all work must cease. Dancing and singing commence.

This site. I love these illustrations.

This pose.

This yogurt. I loved yogurt as a child, but as an adult, I have never been able to find yogurt that my tastebuds like. It all seems to be non-fat (read: non-taste) or artificially sweetened. This is perfect. The right size, with all those active cultures I need. And, it tastes so good. Had to go back to being a child to find what I wanted. (I buy it from my local grocery store, but when I googled it I found you could order it from amazon. that site has everything.)

These shirts. Perfect for jeans, yoga class, pj's. The price cannot be beat.

This book. I am reading one story when I go to bed at night. Her words wrap themselves into my heart and I seem to sleep better (well, first I take a bath using Chocolate Luxury milk bath from this shop. it is like taking a bath inside a cup of hot cocoa).

hummers

I love living in the Northwest. These little guys, hummers as my Gramps and I say, are still around in mid-October. I didn't have a feeder last fall/winter, so I don't know how long they stick around. Is it possible they will be here year round? I love how quick they are, their long beaks, how often they come to the feeder. I can see them from the desk where I work in my home office. They dive-bomb each other, fighting for pecking order I guess.

One winter, my grandparents had one that didn't fly south (they live in South Carolina and their hummers would migrate in the winter). My Grandma named it Rambo and changed the food daily so it wouldn't freeze (the food and the hummer). She would call me with weekly updates "yes, he is still here. Can you believe it?"

I love the counterpose that happends when they perch on the feeder - when their wings stop for just a few seconds so they can eat. Have you ever heard the sounds they make? There is the vibration of their wings but they also chirp. It is fantastic.

Do you think they eat all night too?

(photo: hummer from office window, 10/13/05, canon digital rebel)

my oldest friend

six months ago today my grandmother, my oldest friend, passed away. every day since then i have missed her desperately. every day has been another day when i cannot talk to her, when she won't call, when i can't tell her that the hummingbirds are still here in October!, when i can't say thank you, when i can't laugh with her, when i can't ask her advice, when i can't call her to cry and she will say it will be okay, when i can't hear her voice or smell her or hug her...

this is my first experience with deep grief, deep sadness. this year has been the year when i began to truly understand. i lost my dear golden traveler in february, my grandmother in april, and a friend in june. a year of cracking open. a year of understanding that platitudes are never really helpful, they just make the other person feel better. and just when you think the grief has become softer, something will whisper across your heart and it will still seem unbelievable. i do the best i can. all i can do.

at my grandmother's funeral, i quoted Brian Andreas:

Landscape of the Heart

It is still so new & all we see is the empty space, but that is not how it is in the landscape of the heart. There, there is no empty space & she still laughs & grapples with ideas & plans & nods wisely with each of us in turn. We are proud to have known her. We are proud to have called her friend.

(photo: me and grandma circa 1978)

in my world

If I were in charge of the world, I would be happy with any of the following:

• I would get to vote for Santos/McGarry in November (this year, next year, 2008 would be fine)
• A woman would be President
• I would wear these all the time (or at least to the store sometimes) and no one would care

What would you wish for if you were in charge of the world?