and i danced

I started ballet at 4 and danced until I was 12. Flowing, moving, breathing, up on the toes, deep bends at the knee, launching the body into the air in a spin. I loved it. There were reasons why I stopped (a story for another time). Initially, I was drawn to yoga because the movements in yoga postures connected me to the dancer I was as a child. Every now and then in a yoga class someone will comment on my arms and how I move them like a ballerina. I chuckle (it really does come out like a chuckle) because I am amazed that person could see a ballerina inside this body, so distant from that time of point shoes and dreams of becoming someone I am not.

I have been teaching yoga at a new studio in my town for the last few weeks. It is so new that my classes are not always full and sometimes I sit there waiting for one student, please just one student, to show up. And every now and then, I am there alone. Often my thoughts are negative when this happens. I am upset because I want to teach. I want students! My ego gets involved.
Yesterday, I found myself sitting calmly in the studio, waiting. I was substituting for another teacher who teaches two classes back to back. No one came to the first class so I had quite a bit of time to sit with myself. I had on the music I use during class. I stood up to get something to read, and this movement of getting up shifted my attention to the music. I began to move.

I point my toes out in front of me, lift my leg up high. Spin in a pirouette. Let myself feel my body come up on my toes, move quickly, bend, leap across the room. Spin again and again. Bring the foot to the knee then back out to the side. Reach the arms up to the sky and come back on the toes. I became the ballerina inside me. I found her again. I wasn't just connected to a distant memory in the mind but to the memory in the body. And I danced.

Letting go of the attachment of "needing students" to show up for class. Letting go of the shame that this body can't move like a ballerina anymore. Realizing that it can. Finding the space to move, breath, connect deeper within. Allowing myself this time for me. The students will come when they are ready.

And a student came to the later class. And another came to my noon class today. And after the noon class, I danced again. Welcome back.

"Dancing is just discovery, discovery, discovery."
Martha Graham

some favorites today

Meet my new uglydoll Jeero. I bought him today at Portage Bay Goods in the Fremont neighborhood in Seattle. His new home is in my home office, near my desk, so that we can exchange ideas throughout the day. It gets lonely sometimes...and I think he is going to invite me to crack up with laughter every now and then. I will keep you posted.

Sunday morning yoga classes at Planet Earth. My teacher's classes are always what a yoga class should be - I walk away feeling stretched, relaxed, strong, and centered.

Walking through the Fremont Market. If you are ever in Seattle on a Sunday, you must check this out. Even on a rainy day you can find treasures (like my new hat, flower pin, and the fun gift I bought for J - pictures to come).

Talking about, what I call, "the guts of life" with a friend over a snack. It is incredible to be able to share who you really are with someone and have the gift returned to you when she does the same. Then laughing together as we sit on a couch in a bookstore and read this book. It is so much fun to share this book with people. Cracks me up every single time I read it (though I don't own it; I think I enjoy discovering it again every few months).

Laughing with J about how bad the dinner we made turned out. Thank goodness for Baskins Robbins to save us with a perfect dessert.

Sunday nights on the couch:
Watching The West Wing. I was so caught up in the story line (as I have been with every episode for the last 7 seasons), I started to cry at the end as Toby left the White House. I am not kidding. I think I might be a little too involved with this show...but for those 60 minutes, I believe that those people are in charge of my country and I love them for it.
Grey's Anatomy. Dr. McDreamy indeed. Though the women in his life are giving him too much power in my opinion.

It was wonderful to have a day that seemed like a true break from it all. I didn't feel pulled it 20 directions; I did things just for myself; I had a little bit of retail therapy; and I connected with people. Bravo me.

self-care

"Lend yourself to others, but give yourself to yourself."
Michel de Montaigne

I want to say so much about this quote...but I realize it says everything I need to say today. Repeat it to yourself so that it becomes a whisper inside your soul.

listen

Came across this quote today.

"Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God."
Martin Luther

I have been thinking about this aspect of my journey for two reasons:

Yesterday I spent time in the spiritual philosophy and yoga sections in a used bookstore in Seattle. I love the books on Buddhism next to the books on Judaism next to the books on Islam next to the books on Christianity. Would four people from different faiths stand as close as these books do? On my shelves at home, I like to put my books next to other books they might be able to learn from. Elie Wiesel is next to St. Augustine who is next to What the Buddha Taught who is next to Thomas Merton who is next to Harold Kushner who is next to Pantanjali's Yoga Sutra...and so on. I love the thought of them whispering to each other, learning, teaching. Being with these books invites me to feel calm and centered.

And then today my reflections continued after I read this post by la vie en rose. She shared some real truth about her spiritual journey.

I believe that when you feel joy in your heart, the excitement that makes your breath catch, you are on the right path. And that path may, at times: wind. seem dark. be full of laughter. be full of doubt. seem not to be right. invite you to feel overwhelmed. But that doesn't mean that it isn't the right path. The most important thing for me is to continue to listen deep within, to make sure that I am being honest with myself. I believe that we have this truth, this honesty within us. Taking the time to be quiet to have this conversation within is the challenge for me. And then having the strength to share what I learn, what I know with others when they ask - that can be a challenge as well. We do not want to be judged. We must remember not to judge others.

I have to find a place for my new book. Probably will put it next to my other Kathleen Norris books, but I may just put it next to this one to let them share some secrets.

the lessons...always the lessons

Another day filled with lessons. I can't escape them. This must be what it means to be a grown-up. But I also know that this is what it means to be a person open to the lessons. Only when you are open to them do you see them for what they are. (Though that doesn't mean that they won't repeat themselves until you learn them.) Now that I am here and aware, really, they will never stop. Still, could I have one day of peace? Just one.

Pesky Growth
By Brian Andreas

I finally got to exactly where I wanted to be, she said, so why won't all these growth experiences go away & leave me alone?

reminding me

Be your authentic self. Be strong. Be true to who you want to be. Be yourself. Be afraid. Be willing to let go of your fears. Be silly sometimes. Be caring. Be gentle with others. Be gentle with yourself.

Let go of the ego. Let go of the need to be someone else. Let go of the images of who you think you should be. Let go of the pain, sadness, hurt. Let go of who you used to be. Let go of the need to be serious. Let go of the need to hide. Let it go. Let it go.

Remember you know enough. Remember you are enough. Be gentle with yourself. Let it go.

I give myself permission to do it my way.

take two

Went to see Elizabethtown today. One of the previews was for this movie. The clip was priceless and a great follow-up to the post below...

Also, there is something really great about going to a movie alone. Though it still is expensive to go alone. Liberating though.

(oh and my vote is wait until elizabethtown comes out on video)

my favorites

This week, I love:

This song. (scroll down to hear a clip, song #2) Have it on my ITunes playlist on my computer. When it comes on, all work must cease. Dancing and singing commence.

This site. I love these illustrations.

This pose.

This yogurt. I loved yogurt as a child, but as an adult, I have never been able to find yogurt that my tastebuds like. It all seems to be non-fat (read: non-taste) or artificially sweetened. This is perfect. The right size, with all those active cultures I need. And, it tastes so good. Had to go back to being a child to find what I wanted. (I buy it from my local grocery store, but when I googled it I found you could order it from amazon. that site has everything.)

These shirts. Perfect for jeans, yoga class, pj's. The price cannot be beat.

This book. I am reading one story when I go to bed at night. Her words wrap themselves into my heart and I seem to sleep better (well, first I take a bath using Chocolate Luxury milk bath from this shop. it is like taking a bath inside a cup of hot cocoa).