for space to know
i light it again this morning.
i turn to my wise friend hafiz who speaks to me through the words of Daniel Ladinsky. I look through a few pages until I find the words that cause me to exclaim aloud, “this is fantastic.”
Makes the universe admit a
Really just a tambourine,
Against your warm
shortly after i wrote tuesday’s post about choosing happiness, i had the opportunity to choose the opposite emotion and the universe continues to provide that opportunity over and over again.
the news of mark’s accident
the news of my uncle’s cancer
and then the following not-on-the-same-level-but-crap-doesn’t-the-universe-understand-that-it-is-the-holidays-at-all? stuff:
my computer, which seems at times to be my best friend as I use it for my job, my hobby, my connection to friends and this community, started to do some odd things (going in to standby mode while I was working for no reason at all). thinking I had backed everything up, my husband and the tech he was on the phone with reimaged my computer. which. means. I. lost. everything. that. wasn’t. backed. up. luckily, this did not include photographs or my writing. but it did include a lot of other stuff. it felt like my husband had picked up my computer and thrown it against the wall. to say I tapped into a feeling the opposite of happiness is an understatement (and the kicker – it didn’t even fix the problem).
yesterday morning, we were supposed to leave for colorado to spend christmas with jon’s parents and grandmother. that’s right, I said colorado. that place where they are having the blizzard. we tried to check-in and the delta kiosk computer said, “see an agent.” we had checked everything the night before but because we had to be there so early, we didn’t check it yesterday morning. we are still at home. bah humbug. our suitcases are still packed (one filled with gifts for them) and millie is still at the kennel in case we do get on a flight today/tomorrow (and i miss her). we expect though to stay here and spend another holiday unexpectedly without family. (did you read Monday’s post where I said I hadn’t decorated at all?) bah humbug. we do love spending the holidays just the two (three with millie of course) of us, but this was the year we were going to see family. with my illness last month and biopsy procedure that happened thanksgiving week, we had to cancel the plans to see my family. and now we may not see jon’s parents.
jon spent time on the phone again yesterday to try to fix the computer. yeah. still going in to standby mode while I am using it (no rhyme or reason to it).
this morning, jon went to drive my vw bug to go to the store to get milk (we had to throw it out when the power went out and I am a milk drinker but we didn’t get any knowing we would be leaving but heck, I want some today), my car would not start. nothing.
and I want to write about how there are so many things I am grateful for. because really, I know, I am so blessed. but right now, all I can muster is to light a candle and get ready to eat a doughnut and drink some milk after jonny gets back from the store. and then i will heed hafiz’s words and spend some time with some poetry…because i need to spend some time outside of myself. outside all the stuff inside my head.
(hafiz poem from the collection in the gift. shared here with permission. visit poetry thursday today to read more poetry and spend time outside yourself.)