empty

"Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth." Benjamin Disraeli

I am feeling judged today. Strong words that bring up stuff. All that stuff. To be thankful for the opportunity to look at it - not so much today. I am tired. The rain falls outside. Gray, northwest autumn weather. I miss my grandmother. I want to call her. I feel empty.

When we let someone know how we feel about something, even when we are not asked, do we always need to reflect on the possibility that they may feel hurt? I think so, but I know I don't always do this. (And I see myself so concerned about placing blame on another outside myself. I have to own this observation first because I don't want to say "people do this to me all the time and it sucks.") When I have a relationship with someone, at whatever level that relationship is, I want that person to be who they are - real, honest, open - that is what this journey seems to be about. The moments of truth you have with another person. Can we have interchanges filled with truth?

Do we only know the surface of another person? Do we get past that surface? Do we let other people see inside to all the icky stuff - the guts of who we are? What are we afraid of? What am I afraid of? Only a small handful (child's hand) know who I am. Even they don't completely know me. Are we ready to see the guts of another person? What would happen if we let them in? Can we dive underneath that surface? Let someone do the same with us? Quiet the mind enough to feel safe with another person, allow uncensored thoughts to be shared. We can try. Not today. Time for a nap I think.