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shadow self-portrait . port townsend, wa . september 2011
be right here baby girl
because
right here
this moment
well
this is what you've got
so live it all into reality
(all of it)
shake off the who-does-she-think-she-is fears
and live it
(live it big)
and then rest
(for as long as you need to)
and then do it all again
(one step. one breath. repeat. repeat. repeat.)
walking through the dahlia garden feels like being in the midst of summer's lean toward fall. the vivid blooms reach for the last days of all-day-long blue sky as the nearby trees seem to notice the bursts of color and begin to think about playing along.
i love that we are just a few minutes away from this late summer dance...
(inspired by kristin's "story of place" post at shutter sisters today)
you are doing it.
all of it.
you are stumbling
and laughing
and learning
and opening your heart more each day.
you are finding a rhythm.
you are remembering to breathe deeply
and sit inside truth and feelings and hope.
you are exactly where you need to be.
*****
::what is real:: is a mirror self-portrait photo + a few words series that began in july of 2010. the series started the first night jon and i slept for a few hours at the tree house while ellie was in the PICU. when i was by myself in that room for a few minutes, i turned and saw my reflection in the mirror in the room and had an urge to document the real face of that moment in my journey. looking back, i realize i wanted to feel seen by someone, and it turned out that being seen by myself was like a hand i could hold.
as i continue to take these photos, i have noticed that the act of taking them feels like a meditation practice. before i take the photo, i stand in front of the mirror and think about what is real in this moment and let my face relax to wherever that truth lies. then i snap.
i document the series over on flickr but share them here from time to time.
Around here, even though fall is still days away, the end of summer comes when Jon returns to school. This year, I am yearning for a schedule that this transition can bring while being gentle with myself as I realize that having a growing, inquisitive one year old means that a schedule will be hard to uncover most days. And I deeply get that this is part of what being a mama to a one year old is all about. At the same time, I remind myself that our day to day is a bit different from most people I know as her three times a day medication and other needs still rule our world over here.
This time last year, almost every day I would take Ellie Jane outside for just a few minutes and show her the birds in the trees and the lavender and the maples leaves falling to the ground, and we would watch Millie run around the yard. We were singing "Beauty in the World" out loud at least ten times every day, and my own deeper understanding of the need to seek beauty and joy in the midst of all that life hands you began. I was standing tall inside hope and bravery and fear as we were counting down the days until her open-heart surgery. I remember saying variations of this to her over and over: Your only job is to live. Just be right here and breathe deep and eat and keep being you because there is so much for you to do and see and know. The world is waiting for you.
And today, as I watch her run around the yard finding leaves and little flowers and rocks, I believe that she heard me. I believe that she heard me when she was on the ventilator and I told her that when she wakes up and her heart is healed, she will be able to live big in the world.
Part of my current practice is letting go of wanting to know what the day will bring. I take a breath and try to notice what I need while being aware of what Ellie Jane seems to need in a given moment. Until this summer, we were encouraged not to take her many places to avoid the possibility of her getting sick. And now that Jon is back to school, I am finding that I need to reprogram my mind in a way with a new understanding of what my days alone with Ellie can look like. Meaning, for months, the only outings she and I would take were to the cardiologist's and pediatrician's offices. I didn't take her to the store or the park or for walks along Puget Sound because we just worried so much about her getting sick. My heart hurts a bit thinking about all that we did not do and all that she has been through (that we have been through).
Last week, as she napped, I was feeling overwhelmed. I sat there on the couch and closed my eyes and found my breath. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Feel the space the breath creates. As I took a few moments to just be still, I reminded myself of all that I already know. I reminded myself that we walked through this time last year and the weeks that followed, so oh my goodness get out of the house girl and walk through these days too. These days that are full of laughter and joyful games and exploring all that awaits. These days that are full of so much more than I even thought they could be. These days that push me to beyond tired and remind me of what is real. These days that I want to look back on and say: We found our way. We napped. We explored. We danced. We laughed. We cried. We made it. We lived big.
So we are starting here: We are walking to the neighborhood coffee shop that is so much closer to home than I realized. Here Ellie Jane can have a strawberry smoothie with whipped cream yes please, and on this walk, she can say hi to people we pass and the birds she sees and the squirrels who run across our path. And I can take my camera to capture the small moments that are just outside our door, so that I will always remember how I chose to find beauty again and again and again.
I am so delighted to announce my first local one-day workshop!
Come along and explore ideas and themes brought up in my book Inner Excavation: Explore Your Self Through Photography, Poetry, and Mixed Media. In this workshop, we will look at how to use writing and photography to find the beauty in the everyday moments in our lives, and we will explore how seeking this beauty becomes a brave practice in self-care. You will be invited to slow down and notice where you are in this moment and to think about how creating a daily practice can support where you are on your journey. During our time together, we will also play with paper and color to create a simple journal to house our inner excavation observations. This day will be all about reflection, recharging, and fun!
Details
When and Where:
Saturday, October 29, 10 am - 5 pm
Tacoma Pregnancy, Birth, and Family Education Center
7406 27th Street West, Suite 301 (top floor), Tacoma, WA 98466
Supplies needed:
Notebook + favorite pen/pencil
Scissors
Digital or instant camera (a cell phone camera is great; if you don’t have a camera, we will have one or two for people to share)
Optional supplies (the following are not required):
A few copies of photos that you can use in your journal. Examples include: nature photos, self-portraits, childhood photos, and so on. Images from magazines are also great.
A quote or poem that has meaning for you.
Supplies provided:
Kit + all art supplies needed to create the journal
Printer to print out photos taken during our time together
Other surprise goodies for our adventure
Cost: $130
Lunch included (sandwich, fruit, chips, cookie from the GreenSpot Tea House)
Snacks and beverages included throughout the day
To register (or ask any questions):
Email me (you can also click the email link in the sidebar)
Please note:
This workshop is for women only.
Because this has come up in a few emails, I want to just let you know that even though this workshop is being held at a birth and family education center, the workshop is not about pregnancy or birth and is open to all women.
*****
For several months now, I have been hoping to find the perfect place for local one-day and evening workshops. During this time, I had no idea that Patti Ramos, our doula for Ellie Jane's birth, was living one of her dreams into reality and opening the Tacoma Pregnancy, Birth, and Family Education Center. In July, we had an incredible afternoon that went into the evening brainstorming session and the idea for me to teach a few classes at the center was born. This is the first class in a series that will be taught at the Center over the next few months. I am thrilled that Patti wants to encourage all types of gatherings at her new sacred space.
If you would like to make a weekend trip to the Seattle/Tacoma area to attend the workshop, there are some great B&Bs and hotels here. Just email me with any questions.
If you are interested in more of a retreat experience, there are still a few spots left at Create Magic, the Fall Be Present Retreat, that I am hosting and teaching at with Vivienne McMaster and Mindy Lacefield.
