the letting go

a sweet with a friend . february 12 (processed with hipstamatic app)

a few lines from a post i wrote in 2005 that tumbled across my mind tonight. if you were here, and we were perhaps sharing a cupcake, i would tell you this:

A line from the last few pages of the book Five Quarters of the Orange by Joann Harris:

"It took a little time, you know," said Paul, "but I got over it. I let go. It's like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home."

Deep breath.

Don't work so hard at the letting go though. It isn't about how hard you work. It is about the breath, the life. Take a breath. When you let go, let it be easier than you thought it would be. Let the river bring you home.

Live.

dispatch from the studio annex

click the photo to head to flickr and read a whole lot of notes about what you see here

sunday evening dispatch:
listening to the weepies station on pandora
watching ellie jane grow more each day
putting big (BIG!) dreams out into the universe
deciding to just let it go (and choose laughter)
pretending i know what i am doing
believing it will all unfold as it should
seeking elves or other magical creatures to help in the studio
counting down the days until pen & paper  
sincerely working on the midwest inner excavation retreat (hope to post info tomorrow) 
owning the this truth: there are only so many hours in the day
feeling grateful for new friendships
loving my new iphone and the quick, easy, fantastic camera option it gives me
giving myself the space to feel the joy and the fear and the bravery and the love

how are things in your corner of the world?

the path.

soul mantra lockets in progress . loving my new iphone

pay attention.

this is the path.

(and you know it, so let go of that doubt and just keep going.)

one step, one breath, repeat.

what would happen

where i stand . early july 2010

as afternoon began to fade toward evening, the thoughts tumbled a bit after two conversations with friends. because ellie was still napping, i came to my laptop and clicked to my email and read the nicest words about me and my work from someone who doesn't even really know me and then i felt tears tap the back of my eyeballs. 

because this is what i know: even when life is full of the "oh my goodness things are crazy around here" kind of stuff, it is full of so much beauty. 

but the only way i can see the beauty is if i give myself the space to see myself.

and then some words began to rush together in my mind, so i turned on the microphone to catch them (for you...for me).

(just click "what would happen" below to hear this audio post)

what would happen

scenes from an evening

*****

last evening, i closed the laptop and didn't open it again until this morning. the to do list is long and varied over here, but if i don't give myself permission to take a break, the truth is, the joy simply gets lost and seems to hang out with the dog fur under the couch.

this path is hard at times. this taking care of ellie and working from home each day. yesterday was a day when her health "stuff" was more front and center, and this adds a layer of emotion that is hard to explain. i keep trying to come up with a metaphor to help the people in my life understand, and all i can come up with is that having a child with specific health issues causes a family to feel a bit fractured...disjointed. the days are unpredictable. we get into the groove similar to what i imagine most parents of an eight-month old are in, and then i suddenly notice her heart beating faster than it should. i push myself not to panic but out comes the stethoscope and i listen, hoping. our days revolve around three doses of medication that must be refrigerated. i carry certain things in her diaper bag that other mamas probably don't because i know what it is like to be told that you have to go to the ICU. right. now. 

so when she finally fell asleep yesterday afternoon, and i was in a place where i was trusting she is going to be okay until i can talk to the cardiologist today, i decided to play with fabric for a change. pushing all my beads and lockets and list of custom orders to one side of the kitchen table, i began to sew something just for me. i probably should have napped (as the days and nights have been intense this week with a tooth finally popping through), but i just needed the rhythm of that sewing machine and the joy of patchworked colors side by side.

when jon got home, i closed the laptop and tried to just be right here in the moment with my little family. my heart felt bigger and more like it was at home as i simply took it all in...

i love that snapping just a few photos from this evening will always remind me of these truths.

heart.full

She wasn’t one for a month all about love or stringing hearts up about the house. She rolled her eyes at the idea of one day when someone you call sweetheart is supposed to buy you roses. She had spent so many days alone that even when she found herself in love and loved in return, she still tried to ignore this need others had to make one day about something that never quite felt real. She was quiet about it but mostly tolerated seeing everyone in red, and then she bought the chocolates when they went on sale.

Years passed with this story on repeat.

Then, on a day in July, she found herself holding the pieces of her own heart together as she watched a doctor try to heal the tiny heart of her five-week old daughter. That day gave her a new sense of what a heart could be, could do, could mean.

In the days that followed, even as life shifted and pushed her in ways she never expected, she found herself saying yes:

to hearts about the house
to seeing the light shine through the cracks
to wearing red
to letting herself be loved
to opening herself to healing

As the light returns a bit more each day and the calendar moves closer to that day of love, she stands in this moment and says yes to all that is to come.

*****

I felt moved to write the above words today and then I made myself a necklace. A red necklace. Valentine's Day, a holiday I have secretly never liked, is approaching, and this year I have found myself (for the first time) drawn to hearts (everywhere) and talk of love. I still don't like how this holiday invites people who don't have a sweetheart to feel (I was that person every year until I met Jon in my mid-20s). But I really LOVE the idea of putting a new spin on this holiday and making it about saying yes to me and what my heart needs in this moment and about how grateful I am for the love I have in my life.

Putting these words to paper and making this necklace made me see that this is the perfect time to launch a new collection that has been sitting inside my idea journal for a few weeks now.

The Heart.Full Collection is a new category over in my etsy shop where I gather up Stories from The Little Room. This collection will be made up of limited edition jewelry and fabric items (I will create new mini-collections from time to time), and it will continue what I began in December as 15% of the profits from this collection will be donated to Mary Bridge Children's Hospital where Ellie Jane spent five days in July of 2010 and Seattle Children's Hospital where she had open-heart surgery in October.

The first four items in this collection are the "yes" all dressed up necklace, the "yes" heart locket, the "seek peace" simple soul mantra necklace, and the "i am enough" all dressed up locket. You can find all of them here.

five (really) good things

the realness of our moments . january 31

even though i am feeling a bit buried in all that is, i am taking time to notice what is so beautiful and true about this moment right now:

1) today (for the first time), i played with the timer on my camera to capture ellie jane and me. not sure why i waited this long as it was so much fun. she was captivated by the sound of the timer so most of the photos had her turning to look just as it clicked, but i love this one. letting go of the negative self-talk about how i am not wearing makeup or didn't shower or how the list goes one. instead, really loving the idea that every photo i take will become clues to ellie, jon, and me (and ellie's children if she has any and so on) about this time in our lives. every photo becomes a clue.

2) the delightful marilyn (one of my first blog world friends) has an interview series she shares at la salonnierre, and she asks the best questions! i am so happy to be answering a few this week. you can read the interview here, including my poem note about how indiana still lives in me.

3) so i was in the winter issue of Artful Blogging. seriously. i can't believe i haven't mentioned it before now because it is basically one of those creative dreams come true. [my name on a cover of a magazine. w.o.w.] last week, ellie and i went to borders and discovered they still had a few copies. (a few people have asked me where to find it, so you might check your local borders; however, the spring issue will be out soon.)

4) the beana is sitting up. just like that. she went from sitting up for seconds at a time to playing by herself for five minutes without falling over. i am kind of amazed by her every single day.

5) the sky was blue today. blue. when we took millie out, ellie and i spotted chickadees, nuthatches, so many round junkos, and a hummingbird. there are buds on the cherry tree. people ask me why they should come to the pacific northwest for a retreat in february or march? because those cherry trees will be blooming. (i think about so many of you about to be buried in snow, and i send you the hope that you can take a moment or two to soak in the beauty of wherever you are.)

*****

and how about you? tell me five (really) good things about your world. 

(dare you)

a quiet moment

love candle and a few other good things

jon is down the hall working his baby whisperer magic and i am working away on etsy orders and filing state taxes and sorting through retreat registrations...but i wanted to just show up here to say thank you for holding the space for me as you read my last post. recently, a friend gently suggested to me that quite a few people in my life don't know many of the pieces of my experiences since i became pregnant in the fall of 2009 (or don't perhaps know the depth to which these experiences have affected me) and that sharing these pieces might be an important aspect of my healing (along with helping others to really see me and even to see themselves). i am hearing this invitation to practice what i believe and stand inside the words i have told others.

it is good.

*****

on another topic: over the last year or so, i have recorded three audio meditations, and i now have them listed in the sidebar under "find your center." (i created a section of this site where i will be housing audio meditations just so it is easy for people to find them.) note that you can download them and save them to your computer, ipod, and so on (my understanding is that the easiest way to download them is to right click and save). if you have any questions when you listen to them, just let me know.

i hope your week is full of so many good things and moments to simply soak it all up...