i thought about...

 

i thought about running away today
just for a second
less than a second really
i thought about running away
from the fear
and the "what is ahead on the path"
but then i remembered her words
you are so strong. even if you are feeling not so strong and brave, you really are.
i remembered her words
and i knew: this is where i was meant to be
in this moment,
even while the fear whispers around me,
i am certain of this truth

(thank you for being a light on my path)

::neruda::

catherine's bus . point defiance park . september 6, 2010

So, through me, freedom and the sea
will call in answer to the shrouded heart.

Pablo Neruda, "The Poet's Obligation"
from On the Blue Shore of Silence: Poems of the Sea
English translation by Alastair Reid

all you need...

what is real, september 2

when i walked up to my grandmother and stared at her, willing her to breathe, i felt my heart break. and in that moment, i thought "this is what it means to love." holding ellie tonight, watching her chest move up and down, knowing that a surgeon i have not yet met will more than likely be cracking that chest open in a few weeks, that phrase kept turning around in my mind. the idea of a piece of one's heart breaking off being what forces us to understand what love really is. i have been singing that last few lines of "all you need is love" over and over these last few weeks. you know that part when paul, or is it john, repeats "love is all you need. love is all you need." and someone sings, "she loves you, yeah yeah yeah..." and i think there is a yee-haw involved. i have always loved that last part as it feels so impromptu, like the boys were just having fun. yes. love is all you need. and i don't mean it in a simple rose-colored glasses way. no. i mean it in a standing in front of your grandmother in a funeral home and realizing she loved you and you loved her in an imperfect beautiful and i am going to miss you every day for the rest of my life sort of way. i mean it in a holding the space for a friend while she shares her story and then saying, "what do you need in this moment?" sort of way. i mean it in a reaching for your partner's hand in the middle of the night after you had such a horrible fight sort of way. i mean it in a watching your child breathe and knowing you don't want to be anywhere else sort of way. i mean it in a hearing your golden retriever sigh after a long good day of simple living sort of way. i mean it in a standing face to face with yourself and looking in the mirror and choosing a soft gaze of acceptance sort of way. yes. as you walk on your path and hope upon hope that you will find your way. as you stand in this moment and think about what you know to be true. i believe that the one thing we need to carry in the pocket of our heart is the trust and faith and grace that is love. the guts of life. yes. this is what love is. love for ourselves. for the ones who rest inside our hearts. for all of it.

*****

for the last few days, i have been trying out 750words.com. a space to write "morning pages" of sorts. i kind of love it. the above was a paragraph of freewriting i did tonight and i decided to just share it here. because it is how things are in this moment in my corner of it all...

patience (postcard poetry)

the (weekend) view from here

a week in august

earlier this month, my dad married a woman i have come to call my friend over the last few years. while we were in the PICU in July, it became clear that because of ellie's health, we would be unable to travel to their wedding. on one of those PICU days, i answered my dad's question of "how are you doing?" with "after all this is over, i might have to take a trip to the ocean and stand in front of the waves, before everyone else is awake, and yell how i am really feeling out into the universe." the next day, he called and said that he and anne had talked and they were wondering if they could come out the week after the wedding and take us all to the ocean (if ellie was able to take a shorter trip).

and to the ocean we went....

today, i am sharing a few of my favorite photos that really represent the goodness of our trip to me.

(all of these were taken with my Canon Rebel T1i but i had fun processing a few with picnik. though that sunset photo is straight out of the camera. you really must come to the oregon coast.)

(oh and yes, i did spend time standing at the waves sharing my feelings. i will share more about that soon.)

i come to the forest (moving pictures poetry)

this little moving pictures poetry film is a companion to "i come to the water" (which you can watch here). 

i have been greatly inspired by my friend vivienne when taking self-portraits lately. i am feeling a stirring, a healing within as i set the timer and find my way to illustrating all the emotion held inside through moments captured with my camera's lens.

all footage and self-portraits were taken in the Pacific Northwest woods near Frog Creek Lodge, the location of Reveal, the Fall 2010 Be Present Retreat. a few spots are still available. give yourself the gift of joining us on the adventure of revealing where we are on our paths...

blessed.

you have cocooned us with your words, silence, love, notes, burning candles, prayers, hand holding.

you have pushed me to know: i am heard. i am seen. (dare i own it?) i am loved.

you have held the space in this time when i most need it.

thank you. thank you.

(i am so blessed.)

another doctor's appointment early tomorrow morning. another holding of the breath while we see if the little one has gained weight. another prayer being said in the form of a mama stroking the cheek of her daughter. another day where our little elliebean will continue to sit herself inside our hearts with her every breath.

yes

we just live it. each day. we live it.

thank you for being beside us, holding us gently.

blessings and light,
liz