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thirty days of posts. i have to admit that it was a struggle to post each day and i certainly didn't find what i shared to be inspiring...but at the same time, i am grateful to nablopomo for the push, the invitation, to seek out pieces of goodness from this month when i found myself mostly trying to get through each day.
but there is such goodness.
and i am resting inside the knowledge that love is what it really is all about. friendship, listening, opening, speaking truth, sharing pieces of who we are, finding our way. love.
i am so looking forward to december views. starting tomorrow, i will be staying behind the camera for most of next month. sharing words now and then. dipping my toes back into self-portrait challenge perhaps. capturing the views of this time of year. hoping for snow at some point. cleaning in anticipating guests around the holidays (and wishing for a cleaning fairy to come and help this nausea-focused girl). maybe finding myself in the kitchen making holiday cookies for the first time in years. and always resting inside love and hope.
thank you for you...
me through jon's lens . november 27, 2009
so begins the me being real in this space about the new part of my path that includes the mama journey...
the new normal. this is the phrase i have been using today. i tried to explain it to jenna tonight...how sometimes i forget i am pregnant because the nausea, eat eat eat, oh no nausea, oh no to the bathroom quickly experience has morphed into the new normal.
twenty-one days to make a habit is something i learned from stephen covey many years ago in his habits of highly effective people. well, weeks and weeks of this has morphed into what feels a bit like a habit.
wake up. how do i feel? should i move? of course because i have to go to the bathroom like right now. (this tops my list of things they don't tell you. that the having to go to the bathroom all the time thing isn't a third trimester thing...nope, starts right at the beginning when the baby is the side of a poppyseed [really, get the emails from babycenter.com...this week, it tells us the baby is the size of a medium-sized shrimp...jon and i like the fruit analogies better as a kumwquat seems less vulnerable than a shrimp, don't you think?].)
then, my thoughts turn to "should i eat breakfast?" well, i have to eat something or i will be sick. what can i eat? and then the cycle continues. little meals they say. often. otherwise you will throw up. try to exercise. but if i move suddenly, i might throw up. yoga. yes. how i wish i could. but i cannot even imagine it at this point. time for a preggie pop (thanks dear girl as these really do help). the me of a year ago would not believe i know what something called a preggie pop is (and now you do too. you are welcome). this will end soon they say. hmmm. will it? some women have this the whole time. just wait until week 14. just a few days to go my friends. the magical week 14 will soon be upon me.
i appreciate the recommended book that calls this NVP instead of morning sickness which sounds like a cousin to the vapors. NVP = nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. yep. pretty much covers it. i have been feeling better as i have been taking some midwife-approved things that help. but then the nausea is replaced with pretty intense fatigue. and then a day like today sneaks in and it seems like nothing helps.
goodness i sound dramatic. but it was a really wacky moment this morning when i sat on the floor of the bathroom and jon came in with a glass of water and was rubbing my back and said something like, "thank you for carrying the baby bean" and i looked at him and said, "this morning, i haven't once thought about how i am pregnant." pause pause pause. "this is my new normal. i don't even think about the baby." it is like i jump from symptom to symptom...
this feeling like this is the new normal is an odd journey. not complaining exactly. not upset at anyone (and obviously not upset at the baby bean). certainly understand it is worth it as i cannot wait to meet this little soul in a few months. just painting a picture as this new normal is, at times, a tough way to navigate the world right now. at least for me.
and, it is an interesting thing to try to do everything that needs to be done and play all the roles one is expected to play (the roles i expect myself to play). i am doing a pretty good job of being gentle with myself. but when i receive emails from people wondering where i've been lately, all i can do is try to breathe and just know, my new normal is not their new normal. i can't wear all the hats right now. and that has to be enough.
and i know, and i trust, that it is.
pieces of this day:
in this moment, my wish is that you know you are loved.
many blessings to you and yours.
