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me through jon's lens . november 27, 2009
so begins the me being real in this space about the new part of my path that includes the mama journey...
the new normal. this is the phrase i have been using today. i tried to explain it to jenna tonight...how sometimes i forget i am pregnant because the nausea, eat eat eat, oh no nausea, oh no to the bathroom quickly experience has morphed into the new normal.
twenty-one days to make a habit is something i learned from stephen covey many years ago in his habits of highly effective people. well, weeks and weeks of this has morphed into what feels a bit like a habit.
wake up. how do i feel? should i move? of course because i have to go to the bathroom like right now. (this tops my list of things they don't tell you. that the having to go to the bathroom all the time thing isn't a third trimester thing...nope, starts right at the beginning when the baby is the side of a poppyseed [really, get the emails from babycenter.com...this week, it tells us the baby is the size of a medium-sized shrimp...jon and i like the fruit analogies better as a kumwquat seems less vulnerable than a shrimp, don't you think?].)
then, my thoughts turn to "should i eat breakfast?" well, i have to eat something or i will be sick. what can i eat? and then the cycle continues. little meals they say. often. otherwise you will throw up. try to exercise. but if i move suddenly, i might throw up. yoga. yes. how i wish i could. but i cannot even imagine it at this point. time for a preggie pop (thanks dear girl as these really do help). the me of a year ago would not believe i know what something called a preggie pop is (and now you do too. you are welcome). this will end soon they say. hmmm. will it? some women have this the whole time. just wait until week 14. just a few days to go my friends. the magical week 14 will soon be upon me.
i appreciate the recommended book that calls this NVP instead of morning sickness which sounds like a cousin to the vapors. NVP = nausea and vomiting in pregnancy. yep. pretty much covers it. i have been feeling better as i have been taking some midwife-approved things that help. but then the nausea is replaced with pretty intense fatigue. and then a day like today sneaks in and it seems like nothing helps.
goodness i sound dramatic. but it was a really wacky moment this morning when i sat on the floor of the bathroom and jon came in with a glass of water and was rubbing my back and said something like, "thank you for carrying the baby bean" and i looked at him and said, "this morning, i haven't once thought about how i am pregnant." pause pause pause. "this is my new normal. i don't even think about the baby." it is like i jump from symptom to symptom...
this feeling like this is the new normal is an odd journey. not complaining exactly. not upset at anyone (and obviously not upset at the baby bean). certainly understand it is worth it as i cannot wait to meet this little soul in a few months. just painting a picture as this new normal is, at times, a tough way to navigate the world right now. at least for me.
and, it is an interesting thing to try to do everything that needs to be done and play all the roles one is expected to play (the roles i expect myself to play). i am doing a pretty good job of being gentle with myself. but when i receive emails from people wondering where i've been lately, all i can do is try to breathe and just know, my new normal is not their new normal. i can't wear all the hats right now. and that has to be enough.
and i know, and i trust, that it is.
pieces of this day:
in this moment, my wish is that you know you are loved.
many blessings to you and yours.
i keep meaning to tell you:
kristen's new collection of outtake takout polaroid fortunes at violet hour photography rocks my world. love these.
we are getting a new couch, a red couch (a comfortable pullout couch for when the time comes that the guest room becomes a nursery). am thinking of making a quilt from some of anna maria's good folks to compliment the couch. haven't made (okay finished) a quilt yet. and will probably do it my way minus a pattern as i just can't seem to want to figure out a quilt pattern. all those little pieces. am thinking huge squares.
i am not a pumpkin pie person (and neither is jon), so we usually make this incredible oh my goodness easy and yummy pumpkin cake. though this year, all i want is to find a bakery that has pumpkin cookies. wish i knew a good bakery in tacoma.
speaking of pumpkin, as soon as i am ready to spend more than three minutes in the kitchen, i am going to make this pumpkin pasta recipe (via alicia and andy).
but since i am not spending any length of time in the kitchen anytime soon, jon is making the turkey this year. a smaller, turkey breast but he is still going to do it my way, which is alton's way (the best turkey recipe ever).
i hope to spend many an hour with my crochet hook over the next few days. hoping to make our christmas gifts. we are going simple and easy this year. might even try to make a hat!
had three good days without horrible nausea. and then today happened. sigh. this has been really rough going. i have found a few things that help (thank goodness and thank you!), but i have basically felt ill for weeks and weeks. it has been a bit intense.
and, i know you know this already, but i am totally pregnant. during the three days when i felt better, i kept thinking that thought repeatedly. i am totally pregnant. w.o.w. when the nausea sets in though i head back into the "just breathe in, breathe out" and "when is jonny gonna get home and rescue me" sort of repeat thinking.
i have been trying to chant every day. i love this practice. and i am thinking about how it must sound to that little baby bean.
totally wishing tomorrow involved heading to cira's for breakfast followed by walking around the farmer's market with my dad. yep. i am certain my brother will sleep in and miss out on this (he is there), but if i could, i would be there. missing my family a lot today.
late autumn light . from the archives, december 2008
today, i am saying yes to:
staying warm while the wind blows
possibility
reaching out
a favorite candle keeping me company
speaking gratitude
turning off the television
purple yarn becoming a christmas gift
jon making the turkey this year
letting go of the inbox yet again
writing from the gut
guitar music
stopping everything to give a hug
mint chocolate chip ice cream
