kinda like this...

we spent the weekend on the oregon coast.

my senses sing when at the coast.

on saturday, just before sunset, as the rain persistently fell, i was captivated by scurrying sandpipers (i am pretty sure they are sandpipers). i found myself just watching them run and pause to eat with their little tailfeathers up in the air and run again and again. rapid zigzagging feathered beings.

oh they just filled me with joy.

seriously.

i love them.

i caught a couple on film. if you turn up the sound, you can hear me talking to myself above the wind and the waves. i forgot the sound captures me if i talk to myself. and. ahem. it does. so there i was, standing, camera out in the rain, by myself, and giggling like no one would be listening.

so yes, spending time with me, sometimes...well, it is kinda like this...

Sunday Morning at the Pacific Way Bakery

That was before Uncle Henry came back from the war.
It was?
Yes. Remember, we took the trip across the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. All of us…six of us in Dad's Buick.

The first one.
A few years ago? Ocean's Eleven? We saw that one.
No. The one with Frank Sinatra. Frank. He knew how to do it. Those young kids just…

Sit here.
Noooo. I want Mommy to sit here.
But I want to sit next to you.
You do?
(furious nodding)
Oh.

A pause. Quiet envelopes the room. Everyone taking a bite, a sip, a breath.
A couple reads the paper at the circular table in the midst of everything. He in his gray windbreaker; she in her bright yellow slicker. He turns the page with a snap, and it begins again.

Have you been across the new bridge?
Why do they remake the good ones?
Can you believe they are getting along this morning?

Sitting in the corner with my chocolate croissant and vanilla soy latte, I soak it in. The little four year old in me, with the big brown eyes, pulling it all toward me.

When the rain stops, we grab my coffee, his tea and walk outside as the steam lifts the sea and the crocuses and the daffodils and the pavement toward me. I suddenly hear myself, It smells like Spring in South Carolina.

And it does
And you are here
I breathe deeply knowing it has happened again
The eve of Spring whispers her song
Returning you to me

a new adventure: the be present retreats

When we open ourselves to the light and listen to the truth within us, we find possibility. Through this new understanding, we find our center, we find our breath, we find our path.

For a few years now, a dream has been living inside me. At first, it was a whisper and I would hear it and honor that I heard it, but just keep going. But, sometimes I would allow myself to imagine what this dream might look like if it was a true part of my life. Slowly, it became something I would write about in my idea journal...possibility began to take form. Then it became a dream told to a few people over tea and phone calls across the miles. And finally, finally this dream that was once a whisper that became possibility became a tangible page of this journey.

This dream is about people gathering in community where they can create and share and be together. This dream is about people taking time away from their daily lives to begin to hear their own whispering dreams. This dream is about the connection between yoga and living a creative life. This dream is about sitting around the fire at the end of the day, taking a deep breath and looking inward, playing with art supplies and words, and growing more into yourself.

I am beyond excited to be sharing this with you...you reading this who support me in this space and listen to me as I share pieces of me...I am so excited to be sharing this new adventure with you...

The Be Present Retreats

The Be Present Retreats were born from the belief that creating is a meditation of the soul. Each retreat is an invitation to pause in your life and gather in a supportive environment filled with like-minded individuals in a creative, playful, and meditative atmosphere.

June 2009 brings Self-Portrait Excavation, a retreat centered around the journey that is the self-portrait. We will gather on the coast in Gearhart, Oregon and immerse ourselves in paint, words, photography, and the beauty of our surroundings under the guidance of Judy Wise, Jen Goff, and me.

I hope you will take some time to explore the Be Present Retreats blog (and join me in a little dance around the room).

fear.less

our friends' new puppy sydney . february 2009

On Friday evening, Jon and I spent time with some dear friends and their puppy. It was so refreshing to be around that bundle of energy and to watch the curiosity with which he explored and took in the world around him.

I took several photos of him, and although this one might not be the best in the "true" sense of what the best might mean to some, I love how it captures the fearlessness as he jumped up and put his paws on my knees so he could balance while investigating the camera in front of my face. And although his eyes might almost appear sad to some, what you don't see is the smile that I observed as he tried to figure it out what the heck I was doing with that big thing that made funny noises and flashed.

Our dog, Millie, tends to look at me with a "you've got to be kidding, that thing again; I hate that thing" look on her face when I try to take her photo. Most photos of her I have shared are the best one of lots and lots and lots taken trying to get her to look my way. She hates the camera. There is no need to check out what it is as she seems to feel about it the same way she feels about the vacuum. She is clearly pretty overwhelmed by the vacuum, but because being around her person makes her feel the safest, she experiences a major conundrum during any cleaning around here: how to stay right next to the very source of safety that is moving the very thing she fears toward her.

Writing that, I can't help but look up at her in this moment and say, "I totally get you kid."

It is funny how we stick with what isn't working because it feels safe...because it feels like we are not in control, even though all we would have to do to take control is walk out of the room. But we don't because sometimes it seems easier to just do what we know.

During the last few weeks, I have been honest with myself about a few things that haven't been working. Oh, I guess I have been "honest" in the past, but I hadn't done anything about them. However, something shifted. Something shifted through truth and love in my life.

I have removed the blinders that I have been wearing on and off for a while now. Putting them on each morning had become a habit. I would put them on just after I would get up so that I didn't have to really take in how our house was more mess than home or the nest I so wanted it to be. I would put on the blinders so that I could get through another day spent entirely in this house as I work from here and live here.

The shift of realizing that the amount of energy I was spending in self-loathing about the mess and the blinders and the way they both were hindering many creative dreams I have and that Jon and I have together...in realizing this...momentum began to build. I started to be honest with myself in a new way. This new energy has begun to birth several unexpected shifts.

A sense of fearlessness has taken over...a sense of "why wait?" And a sense of deep understanding that I can do more than I ever thought I could do.

Our home is still a bit messy, but in that lived in sort of way. There are still things that need to be done, but no blinders are needed. I feel a new peace inside me. We are in the process of making our home feel like a nest, a retreat for us and anyone who comes to visit. My studio space, the (new) little room, is beautiful and light-filled. Many creative dreams are hatching in this space...one of which I plan to share tomorrow.

Moving into fearlessness...into light...into possibility with more than just words...
I am moving into fearlessnes, light, and possibility with actions, with beliefs, with confidence, with a deep knowledge of my truth.
Yes.
This is where I am today.

Where are you?

in this moment . know this truth

it is good to be reminded
it is good to be reminded that i am not alone
it is good to be reminded
there is deep, true connection in my life
i can look myself in the eye and know that this is truth
i am not alone
i am not alone

(you are not alone)
(remember this)
(reach out to someone in your world)
(invite love in)

i send you blessings and peace on this day
i send you blessings and peace for this moment in your journey
remember
in this moment
you are not alone

the light.

sunset, bandon, oregon . january 2009

finding the light...
breathing deeply into connection and hope
spending time doing instead of just wishing
an opening of the heart
a letting go
a hope
a moving forward

how have you let some light in today?

today.

this morning was full of darkness.
literally because i somehow found myself sitting with one light on and no blinds open as i worked on a document that was pretty thick (which is my personal "editor-speak" for a bit over my head and difficult to read).
i found myself not opening the blinds and pouting a bit.
missing my friends.
wishing for a different sort of day.
i felt silly that my video blog posted yesterday was me in the darkness...in a witness protection sort of lighting. and i kind of wanted to take it down, even though the message i shared is very important to me.
but i mean seriously. how silly of me to post me in almost darkness.
so then in my pouting i just sat in mostly darkness.
i mean it was grey out anyway, so it wasn't like opening the blinds would matter.
but clearly, coming close to pitching a tent in that darkness was not going to be a good idea.
and a friend insisted via email that opening the blinds was a must.

so i did.

which helped for a few minutes.

and then a bit later i took millie out.

and noticed.

and was reminded.

and while standing outside, a hummingbird swooped in right next to me.

and then later, just before dusk, the blue made an appearance.

though i am still feeling a bit pouty...a bit stuck in some feelings of missing and wishing...i am trying to just sit inside the feeling and notice.

and i forgive myself for needing to just be me inside these feelings. i forgive myself and feel the light begin to fill the space around my heart.

with each breath, i feel the light.

and i give myself permission to be here.

an afternoon chat (that is more like an evening podcast)

(so...this video post...
well...it is more like a podcast.
yes, that's it.
treat it like a podcast [in two parts].
or pretend you are sitting in the evening light with me and listening to me ramble [even though this was the middle of the day].
my little camera cannot handle these grey days.
and the lighting seemed fine on the camera.
but that did not translate when uploaded.
and well, i wanted to share these words.
thanks for putting up with me.)

did you take my dare from last week?
did you?
did you do something that surprised yourself? something outside your comfort zone?
did you take a step forward?

i would love to hear all about it...

(and thanks for putting up with the dark video. remember, just pretend it is a podcast.)

PS and jon and i just had a little talk about back lighting. yeah. guess i need to be aware of that. harumph.