bits of today

heavy lifting

the moon rises over puget sound, 25 october 07

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a friend about a situation in my life that I am having trouble letting go of. Although it happened several seasons ago, when I was in a different place on my path, I am having trouble moving past it and the confusion and pain it invited into my life. My friend said two things to me that keep resonating. The first was that maybe I didn't have to focus so much on letting go of it, which made me think that this experience still has much to teach me. The second was an echo of my own words back to me: my triggered feelings about this event are really about something else.

Today, in the middle of my shower, I had a need to sit on the floor and let the water beat down on my head, neck, back. After a few moments, I found myself chanting, "om namo bhagavate vasudevaya" – a chant that my teacher says turns the petals of your heart.

My chanting increased in volume and speed and I began to rock along with my voice's rhythm. I plugged my ears in an effort to stop all thought and just focused on the sounds vibrating around me.

I chanted until I thought of nothing else. I chanted until Millie stuck her nose around the shower curtain to check on me. I chanted until the water ran cold. I chanted until I felt my heart crack open.

And as I stood up, these are the words that poured into my mind:

I send compassion.
I send apologies.
I send gratitude.
I send compassion.

These are the words I will try to return to when my mind is pulled back to the feelings of confusion and hurt. These are the words I will remind myself to send out into the world.

And the truth is, this is the hard work. It is easier to just wallow in being misunderstood. It is easier to just think ill thoughts about others even when you know there was a reason you felt a connection with them in the first place. It is easier to pitch a tent inside the shit because often we refuse to notice that the shit smells. It is easier to blame instead of honoring that we all do the best we can. It is easier…

The hard part is admitting your need to apologize. The hard part is admitting you are grateful for the experience because now you know more about yourself than you did before. The hard part is admitting what you really feel. The hard part is realizing that you need to forgive yourself. The hard part is admitting...

This is why I call it doing the heavy lifting. This is why I say I will try to do it. This is why I force myself to remember that we are all doing the best we can.

(Deep breath.)

I am doing the best I can.

artfiberfest: the people

tracie and me, show & tell night, AFF 2007

There was something really delightful about the small number of folks at AFF. The first night, we all fit in one room in The Commons. Teesha showed us a very cool hand-quilting technique that I cannot wait to try with projects as there is something so relaxing about stitching things by hand. Right before we all started to gather in that room, I was sitting in the lobby of The Commons (it is the main gathering building at Fort Worden where people gather for meals) writing in my journal. My thoughts were along the lines of what it felt like to be "having that first day of school feeling combined with the knowledge that I feel so certain of where I am."

As I sat there wondering if I was going to see anyone that I knew, Kristin Steiner and her sister Jan Reingold (a talented jewelry artist – I bought a necklace from her on vendor night and can't wait to share it soon) came around the corner. Some of you who have been reading my blog for a while might recall how Kristin's Artfest 2006 class changed my life. So to see her was a true deep breath for my heart. It was wonderful to have that little moment with the woman who started my love affair with fabric. While we were talking, Tracie suddenly appeared ready to give me a huge hug.

Tracie and I connected at my first artfest when I stood at her table at Vendor Night and totally "got" what she was conveying with the artwork she was sharing that night. I held one of her little canvases that night and knew it was meant to hang on my wall as it was my story (I talked about that moment in the middle of this post). A friendship began that evening. Spending time with her at meals and on Vendor Night was a highlight of my time up in Port Townsend. I just adore Tracie and the honest, open-hearted way she looks at the world. She teaches classes with her mother-in-law Marylin who is one super cool, hilarious, and kind woman. I learned so much from the two of them as we talked late into the evening more than once. (Thank you both for your encouragement about my artful journey.)

Tracie and I had a "full circle moment" when she came over to my vendor table and was looking through my flag sets. There was one that I hadn't yet put out, and as I showed it to her, she said looked at me in that same way I looked at her across her table…she totally "got it" and knew that this flag set was meant for her. Such a treasured moment between friends. (I miss you already girl.)

I was able to connect with a few of the teachers either in class, at vendor night, or at meals. I want to classes with everyone...in fact, I think I could have taken classes for several more days as I simply didn't have that same exhaustion as I do at Artfest. A few links I invite you to explore: Alma, Mary, Syd, Tracy, Darlene, Keely, and Pam (more about those last three in another post about my classes).

And, I connected with so many other students. Because AFF was smaller, it was easy to see the same people to keep the connections going. I must admit that I did a horrible job keeping track of people's blogs and web sites, so if you are reading this, please contact me!! I did have two classes with Sarah (we got to really bond in Keely's class about life and all the good stuff) who lives not too far from me; I am already looking forward to getting together with her hopefully soon. I also had two classes with Candice. She and Julie (who I briefly met at Kelly's vendor table at Art and Soul) organize the retreats at The Art Nest. Candice was a joy to talk with, and she has such a cool style about her. She created the most gorgeous journal in Pam's Saturday class.

As I was driving home Sunday, I started feeling a bit melancholy that the retreat was already over…but then I started to think about how soon many of these people would be at ArtFest where we would be doing it all over again…

*****

I have been unpacking the creations I have left from Vendor Night, so I will be adding some flag sets to my etsy shop later today.

I will also be adding two Selma Slingbags. This is a new design of my patchworked bags; it has a longer strap so that you can "sling" it across you.

I haven't been able to get into my studio yet to do something with all this creative energy I have after the weekend. A good portion of yesterday morning was spent with Millie at the vet. The poor girl has given herself a "hot spot" on her head. She looks like she was in one heck of a fight as she has a quarter-size "wound" in the midst of a three inch by three inch shaved area right on the top of her adorable little head. The poor baby. She is on the couch with me as I work so that I can make sure she doesn't scratch her wound open. And, when we have to leave her alone, she becomes Miss Coney yet again. Right now, her nose is a few inches from my computer and I can feel her rhythmic breathing against the back of my hand as I type. How I love moments like this one.

the. best. time.

fabric (new and from my stash) to be made into Natasha (reversible) aprons and other things, 22 october 07

I had the best time at artfiberfest. The. best. time.

I want to tell you about the incredible people (old friends and new) I bonded with. I want to tell you about all my classes. I want to tell you about the feeling of having someone really get my prayer flags and the moment when a person looks across the little table holding creations I made by hand and says, "This is meant to be mine." I want to tell you about my epiphanies and ideas and a very special moment I had all alone in my room at the B&B. I want to tell you about all the joy and truth that has been setting up camp in my head and heart.

And, I will. I really will.

However, I have spent the day catching up on work, mailing out a swap package, talking on the phone with a couple of friends, and trying to keep these feelings present while in the back of my mind so that I do not just get swept back into being the person who forgets what she knows to be true. And, I am a bit sleepy. But I knew, after Kelly's (insistent) gentle proddings, that I must check in here a bit.

And, the truth is that I also, of course, spent a bit of the day at a fabric store before picking up Miss Millie from doggie camp. You see, my aprons, the six aprons that I brought with me for vendor night…well, they sold. Fast. I didn't even take any pictures of them. And, lots of people asked me about them. So, I plan to make a few more to put in my shop. Which, of course, means that I had to get some fabric to supplement what I have.

And, I don't think a person can ever have enough gigantic rick rack, so I had to get a bit of that too.

to artfiberfest i go

Off to the land of fabric, connection, laughter, walks on the beach, fiber, and friendship. It feels like a bit of a solo journey this time without my partner-in-crime Kelly. Last night was full of trepidation (that first day of school feeling) and questions of am I good enough (are they gonna like me).

But, I've got the Indigo Girls, Paul Simon, and the Dixie Chicks to remind me of what I already know to be true about me, about this creative journey, about all of it.

I. am. so. blessed.

While I'm gone, I hope you'll share what you know to be true in this moment in your life.

(And, if you live in the area, I hope you'll come over to Port Townsend on Friday night to see everyone - including me - at the Artist Market Place in the Commons at Fort Worden at 7pm.)

simplicity

jonny will check in with me before heading home from work, and if he senses that i am the "i am so overwhelmed and i forgot to eat today" me, he will suggest, "chicken, rice, broccoli for dinner?"

"yes, yes, yes," i will respond.

i love how this meal always fills me up with its simplicity and goodness.

see more food-related self-portraits over at self-portrait challenge.

(this is also a photo that shows you a pretty good angle of my new nina necklace. oh how i love it - the color is THE color...)

(this photo is also in exercise in letting go of all vanity as this angle of my double-chinned neck just makes me sigh. but here, in this little corner of the world, my little corner of the world, i invite myself, in this moment, to just let it go...)

mountain views and stories

mt. rainier, 10.13.2007

yesterday, jon and i went walking along ruston way. a much-needed break from creating, sewing, cutting, brainstorming, freaking out, smiling, squinting, and all the other good stuff that comes with getting your "stuff" ready for a vendor night.

and, when we headed up the sidewalk, i paused to look at the scene in the photo above and thought to myself, "i can't believe i live here." i love the pacific northwest.

in the weeks after artfest 2006, when the friendship between kelly and me was growing via email and phone conversations and meeting up in portland, we both began to notice how we were pulled toward artwork with words and stories, and that when we were creating ourselves, we were drawn to using words.

before artfest that year, i had started writing short little bits of stories, usually beginning with "she..." i felt close to the idea of giving voice to the pushes and pulls and joys and sorrows within a moment in time in a woman's life. it was then that i started carrying a notebook around with me full time. at some point last year, i started carrying the paper covered moleskine journals.

these journals are my idea journals. it is within them that i write and sketch and plan and hope and dream and list and live within serendipity. it is within these journals that i write my little stories when they come to me.

yesterday, (after a quick "does this sound crazy conversation with kelly) i decided to create a few smaller flag sets and wanted to create them around a few of these stories. but my older "notes from the little room" moleskine was nowhere to be found (i had moved on to another one in the last few weeks). so, i tucked myself into bed and called on the spirits of all that is creative and wrote about being courageous, remembering your wings, and sitting in the quiet before drifting off to sleep.

this morning, as i got the flag sets together and ready for embellishing, i turned to a spiral notebook i use for scratch paper and found a few pages that included some notes that would usually appear in my idea journals. there were notes for a couple of custom flag sets, early sketches of the anya tote, and two pages of little stories that must have demanded to be written that day. it is so interesting to peek into my own mind at times as i was able to do when i stumbled across these notes today.

this was the one that made me grin, as i want to live inside that last line every now and then:

she dried her tears,
slipped on her dancing shoes,
and twirled until
she spun her world anew.

*******

i am so enjoying your responses here and on your blogs to "five really good things." if you haven't already shared yours, please do. reading them has made my heart smile. (thank you)

five really good things

1. the grey's anatomy i know and love is back. finally. as of tonight.

2. when millie lays her head on my knee and sighs i actually feel my heart grow just a bit more.

3. slowly, at a turtle's pace slowly, beginning to like my much shorter hair. (and resting in the frivilous yet true knowledge that it is already growing.)

4. lighting candles throughout the house as evening begins. then whispering blessings into the world as i blow them out before i go to sleep.

5. playing with patchwork makes my soul jump up and down with glee.

i dare you to name five really good things of your own.
right now.