a circle of (fictional) friends

I often mention that I wish I had friends to meet up with at a coffee shop in my town. A group of girls to just connect with in person every now and then. I can count on one hand the friends I have made in our town since moving here three years ago. I am, though, very lucky to have made other dear friends in the area and down in Portland, but they aren't really able to meet for tea or wine one night a week after work.

I have talked about how in college I felt like the books that lined my shelves were my companions. The authors and characters were kindred spirits in my life, reminding me that I was not alone in my way of looking at the world. A person who spends a lot of time alone needs this. At least, I need them: These companions in the form of characters in books and also movies.

Thinking about these things led me to have this thought. Imagine if I could create my own circle from the characters I adore. As though there would be a world where I could invite these fictional women to meet me at The Mandolin Café for tea on a Friday afternoon. I imagine this to be a bit like Thursday Next's world (but maybe without the high-stakes crime) where people can move from the real world to the book world.

Imagine if I could just ask these women I admire and adore if they would meet me for tea? Who would I invite? Well, lately, I have been drawing quite a bit of inspiration from a few ladies who can be found in the fictional world. Elizabeth Bennet, Kathleen Kelly, Elinor Dashwood, Princess Ann (though if she were to spend an afternoon over tea with these ladies, she would, I think, want to just be called Anya), and Amelie are the first five who came to mind. Wouldn't this be quite the group?

My next thought was, of course, what would I wear? What bag would I carry? As I happen to be in the habit of creating bags lately, I decided I would have to create something new for the occasion. A bag that would fit my journal, a book of poetry (as we would of course be sharing poetry), my little coin purse/wallet, and the cookie I would bring home for Jon as he wouldn't be able to join us but how he loves the cookies at The Mandolin Café.

I think I would pair my bag with my twirly, off-white skirt and red eyelet top. Maybe some brown flip flops as not to be too dressy. Don't you think I can have tea with a princess while wearing flip flops (if that said princess is trying to blend in with the regular folks)? Something tells me she might have a pair herself when she visits me in the twenty-first century. And, I am quite convinced that Miss Elizabeth Bennett (or shall we say, "Mrs. Darcy" [insert swoon here]) would indeed have a pair. Well, maybe not. Hmmm...maybe little ballet flats would be a better choice.

Who would you invite into your circle of (fictional) friends?

(The Purse Project was the inspiration to use this vintage tea towel as part of my new bag. Love the way the texture of the towel looks with the linen of the bag. The purses made by people who sent their photos in on time for this month's Purse Project can be seen here.)

already another wednesday...

i have been writing blog posts in my head for several days now. i want to tell you all about the wonderful weekend jon and i had. how we celebrated his birthday. how i made him this pretty cool blanket. how we were able to eat outside because it is so nice here. how we went to folklife (an art and music festival) and i was dancing with glee there. how we spent time with my friends who are moving out here next month who were here looking for a house (i can't believe i haven't told you about them. they are moving here. it.is.the.best.thing.ever.). i want to tell you everything and even share some photos.

but. last night i had my first migraine. ugh. jon said it best, that it is like having a mindquake. yes. indeed. the worst. so today my brain and body are still trying to readjust and stuff, and i am conserving mental power for work (whatever that means...i hope you know what i mean), but i do want to leave you with something.

yesterday, my friend heather called to read me this article from newsweek. you might have read it; it is from the "my turn" page and is called "'I'm Sorry' Shouldn't Be the Hardest Words." i think everyone should read it. everyone. please go read it now and then share it with everyone you know.

a poem {poetry thursday}

today i am sharing a poem i wrote in susan wooldridge's poemcrazy workshop i took at artfest. we were given several prompts, one being to give voice to something. we had also spent time sharing words from different books we each had; susan wrote the words up on the board. they were so good! that we were all furiously writing them down. she also wrote several words she had written in her journal from a dictionary page that all began with s. i grabbed onto the word seed and this was the result.

*****

The seed says

I used to believe I was
a practitioner of balance
perched inside a canopy
but here i am,
pirouetted to the ground
my eyes see nothing in
this cocoon of windswept dirt

i am scattered

come back to me
home
come back to me
quiet mind

*****

letting go {self-portrait challenge}

This evening, I choose to (try to) let go…

Of the need to feel guilty. I think I must be a bit addicted to feeling guilty as I choose to feel it so often. Can guilt be like a drug? Oh how I have gotten better over the last few years, but I hope to keep saying, "thanks, but no thanks" to the invitation of guilt.

Of the need to please. I will not please everyone. I cannot. And the truth is, I will not.

Of the need to dwell. A few months ago a wise friend said to me, "when your friend thinks she could have cancer and her doctor is saying things like, 'we don't really know what it is' and 'we haven't seen this before really' and you don't stand by her or you choose to stay mad about things, well, I think you lose all your friend points then." Yes. This is true. I need to let go of my need to dwell on things like this. Move on.

Of the need to be understood. The truth is, sometimes people just aren't gonna get it. They aren't gonna "get you." And that is okay. It. Is. Okay.

Of the need to look a certain way. I do this more and more as I own that I can just be me.

Of the need to put myself down. It is such an easy record to play in my head.

Of the need to think I am protecting others. Because this is often at the risk of harming myself. The opposite of this is inviting in honesty and boundaries.

Of the need to be liked by people who might be a lot cooler than me.

Of the need to focus on and fear the judgment of others. This goes hand in hand with that need to please. But, this one is really about that word: fear. It is a fear in the pit of my stomach. The fear that I will have to admit I cannot do it all. The fear that I will have to admit my pain, my truth.

Of the need to judge.

Of the need to stuff it in.

Of the need to ask for advice when I already know the answers.

Of the need to call someone.

Of the need to get wrapped up in emotion when I think someone does not understand me. I just keep trying to peel back the layers and let go of this. Knowing my reaction and words and thoughts belong to me. Theirs belong to them.

Of the need to fear what speaking my truth might do.

Of the need to be worried about a post full of pieces of my story (like this one).

Of the need to "have to."

What need do you need to let go of today? Do it now my friends. Let it go.
(maybe even leave an anonymous comment. free yourself…)

(for more "street" photography, visit self-portrait challenge)

the little room (open for business)

The Little Room is open for business.

Just click here to come on over and visit.

(A big thank you to Heather for creating the banner and avatar for my shop.)

tomorrow

A made a few more little things over the weekend for the shop...smaller prayer flag sets that are from the "story" series.

My hope is that someone out there reads the words on these flag sets and says, "Yes...that is my story."

Because really, for me, connections like that are why I wanted to begin to share my creations in the first place. To be on the other side of the connection I have felt so often with artists, writers, and others...

Tomorrow morning, I will post the link to my shop here...hope you will stop by!

(thank you)

ten things plus one

1. my shop is going to open on tuesday! here is another preview:

2. i watched roman holiday last night for, i think, the fourth time. i love that movie.

3. watching roman holiday made me want to get my hair cut ala audrey in the movie or like amelie. (i am going to keep it long though.)

4. jon and i keep our healing candle glowing almost all the time nowadays as we know (and know of) several people who are ill or are waiting for test results. i know it isn't much, but i hope it helps in some way.

5. gram is still in the hospital and needs some sort of procedure/surgery. it is scary.

6. when gram comes home, i am probably going to go and stay with my in-laws and help out. i am selfishly hoping that is soon! as i am excited because their town has so many antique stores. (okay, you know, all i really want is for her to be okay, but that is the spin i am putting on all of it to try to be a little silly.)

7. i have been working a lot lately and when i am not working, i am creating and organizing for my shop...i kind of want to go and see spiderman tomorrow just to do something that won't allow me to multitask. because even while watching tv or talking on the phone or eating or talking to jon, i am multitasking with photoshop or email or cutting or pasting or...how the list goes on and on.

8. i am so excited to have a banner fairy (she is rescuing me from this equation: photoshop + liz = tears).

9. i am trying to figure out what kind of ink might be "waterproof" enough to be used on flags that would go outside. anybody have any ideas?

10. after gorgeous days filled with sunshine, we are doing the nothwest grey thing now. i have to admit, i kind of like it. a day for sweaters. but i do hope the sun will come out...ahem...tomorrow.

+1. several people have signed up for the tea towel swap! if you want to join in, check out this post for details.

{updated: thanks for letting me know about the comments everyone. not sure why they were disabled...ahhh...blogger}

when worlds collide

A funny thing happens when worlds collide. You stop and notice yourself and wonder how others see you. Do you know what I mean?

Like when blog world meets real world
College world meets high school world
Work world meets…
I think you get it.

Last week, I noticed something interesting in my sitemeter. I began to see a couple of similar incoming links that I didn't recognize that were repeated quite a few times from various different locations. Locations of colleges that kind of rang a bell from this time three years ago. Through some detective work, I deduced that I have been discovered. At least that is what it feels like. Because the truth is: discover my blog, discover me.

Before Jon and I moved to Tacoma, we both worked at a boarding school back in Indiana. It is the boarding high school I attended actually. I was a counselor for one of the girls' dorms there. I don't think I have ever talked about that job here. To be honest, I have needed a long break away from it. I needed to remember why I loved going to school there and how it felt like home to me when I was a teenager and why that was. Working there was not quite that same feeling, not quite home.

A few months after we moved out here and I was in the midst of my two-year yoga teaching training program, we spent a weekend on the chakras. I had two pretty significant experiences that weekend. One had to do with my second chakra, the other with my fifth. After I described what had happened to me internally during the group exercise we did around the fifth chakra, the woman leading the weekend asked me what I did for a living. At the time, I hadn't really started editing much, so I said, "well, I used to be a high school dorm counselor who was kind of in charge of all the emotional, academic, and other needs of 50 teenage girls." She paused. Looked straight at me and said, "I never want you to do that again."

Now, here is the part where I tell you how much I did love parts of my job. Specifically, I enjoyed working with the girls. I loved hearing their laughter in the hallways and the moments when they would come and sit in my office and tell me how their day went. I loved seeing them grow from frightened freshmen to incredibly confident seniors.

But, what this woman meant was that I didn't have the boundaries in place to keep myself emotionally safe while trying to help others. I took it all on. I wanted to be better at a job that had set up a no-win situation for us as counselors in that we had to discipline yet we hoped to be the students' safe person. Pretty hard to be a "safe" person for kids when they are afraid to tell you anything because you have to "turn them in." I beat myself up constantly for not being able to balance who I was inside with who I was expected to be. There were students who had been through a lot in their lives and needed a level of attention that was difficult to give when trying to help 49 other students. There were challenges that I cannot go into here, but they were the kind that the students wouldn't have known about. The kind that forever change a person. Being a part of those challenges forever changed me.

And, I needed to take a big break from that world. To remember the reasons why that place had been like home to me at one time.

So back to being discovered. Yes. It seems that a group of girls I had the honor of watching grow from those overwhelmed freshmen to amazing self-assured seniors have discovered my blog.

And, this has caused me to think about how they might see me. I wrote my blog for several months before I shared the link with my family and close friends. That was pretty weird, but I got used to it. I have come to a place where a few people do know about my blog, but mostly, I think that my blog readers are other bloggers. Though, I discovered recently that if you google my full name you are led right here. But, I mean really, who knows me? Who googles me?

I thought about how I looked at my high school teachers and how it would feel to discover a blog by one of them. I think about how some of them are frozen in time for me and how I never really thought about what books they might read and what kind of hobbies they have.

It is interesting when worlds collide isn't it? When you get a glimpse into another side of someone, and in that way, you get a glimpse into yourself as well.

Girls, I imagine it might be hard to believe that this woman who wears her hair in pigtails and dances to Tina Turner and writes poetry and paints and sews and laughs and writes the truth of her life is me.

Welcome to my world.

(Hope you will say hi sometime.)