poetry, candles, gratitude, and a special day

I am spending time with the words of David Whyte, specifically the poems in his book Where Many Rivers Meet. The first poem in this collection, “Enough,” is the one that I keep reading over and over. It is short, only a few lines, but it resonates deeply this week. A brief snippet from the poem:

This opening to the life
we have refused
again and again
until now.

I have again explored Whyte’s website and listened to him read “The Journey.” Take a moment and go hear him read this poem (just scroll down for the audio file). I read this poem a few months ago and it had one meaning for me. Last night, another meaning was revealed. I love this about poetry. You can take a few moments out of your day to read a poem, and your perspective on life, yourself, a relationship, a moment, the world around you, and on and on can shift just a bit. And the poem might even be an old friend, but it reveals something new to you.

I am lighting the candles I bought over the weekend from Carla’s online shop Zena Moon. The scent of these candles is delicious yet subtle. If you know you like the scent of sage for example, I am sure you will like the candles with sage in them. All five candles (and the one she gave us for free) smell incredible. But the part that means the most to me is that when she makes them, she makes them with a specific intention. So I have been burning the healing candle, and today I will burn the boundaries candle (I am learning that if there is ever a time you need to set boundaries it is when you are ill – may this be one of the many lessons that stays with me through this experience).

I am thankful for the friends and family who have reached out to me through emails and phone calls (and comments of course). It is such a blessing to have someone let go of saying platitudes and just say, “I know this is hard, and no matter what happens, I am here.” Because really, when you are scared about your health, that is all you want someone to say. That and “this just sucks” because it does. From the way I have been treated through this process (by my HMO) to the uncertainty ahead, it just sucks. (But I am happy to report that we have found an incredible new primary care physician. She is listening to me, and her job isn’t “just her job.” She understands that her job deals with people’s lives and fears and health.)

I am blessed to be sharing my life with an amazing man who is my husband and my friend. Today is our fourth anniversary. (Happy Anniversary sweetie!) I sometimes just can’t believe I am married (I really thought I would never marry) and that I am married to someone who is so kind and who truly honors the woman I am and the woman I am growing into. We continue to navigate through communicating as partners and learning together. And through bumps and miscommunication and laughter and care and silliness and love and looking into one another’s eyes, we are finding our way.

gratitude and waiting

thank you to all of you for leaving such kind words over the last few days. it lifts my spirits to know that there are so many people sending me good energy and prayers.
thank you.
we are still waiting, waiting, waiting. another test or two ahead but i am a bit at the mercy of the hmo system at the moment. and that is not at all fun.
i am still exhausted and feeling out of it so more movies and mugs of tea in my future...
blessings to you all...
love,
liz

spending time on a white sandy beach in hawaii...

the first night in seattle with the girls i couldn’t fall asleep because all their voices were echoing in my head. i could literally hear all of them. all of their beautiful voices. and now that we are once again across a state across a coast across a country across an ocean from one another i am wishing we were all back in one room laughing and talking and changing the world. i miss you all and wish you were here.

i am still synthesizing the weekend and all the beautiful, the painful, the joyful, the silly, the difficult, the real, the gorgeous moments.

for the last few days though, my focus has been on my health. i started feeling a bit under the weather Sunday but thought it was nothing (and if i am really honest with myself i have been exhausted for weeks but blamed it on myself and continued to play the game of i am woman i can do anything). by Tuesday evening, after i was back with jon, i was able to finally listen to my body and be honest that something was amiss.

and this is that part where i am wondering how much you share on your blog with people who are kind of strangers yet not at all strangers and important people in your life…i have had a week where i have been told i might have cancer yet probably don’t have cancer yet i need surgery yet i probably don’t need surgery yet i might still need a biopsy yet the doctor i need to see is on vacation so just sit tight until Monday but the doctor is a surgeon so you connect the dots…i have had a cat scan and a reaction to the dye used in the cat scan. i have learned that some nurses can find my veins and some can’t really so now i have to ask them to “cook me” with a heating pad before they even try. i have slept and learned how to stay on top of pain. i have found that you really can catch up on abc shows on abc.com and watched two episodes of ugly betty and caught up on grey’s anatomy all from the comfort of my bed with millie napping against my legs. and even though i had a fever of 101, i have learned i wasn’t going crazy that the democrats really did take the house and the senate. it was nice to have anderson cooper confirm that after my fever went down (yippee). i have learned once again that i am the luckiest “stay at home” editor in the world because my boss is amazing and has made it clear that i am to rest until we know more information. [to have your boss (who is really a friend) say that she wants you rested in case you have to have surgery (instead of thinking i better get all i can out of her before she has surgery) is a gift. and even though it is hard to just let the laptop sit there, i do know that codeine is probably not an asset when looking for comma splices and subject/verb agreement.] i have learned that when the nurse offers you a wheelchair you should take it (or you might bite it in the parking garage). i have realized that having my brother nearby so he could come spend the day is more important to me than i might have admitted. i have seen that i am never alone because my husband, my partner, is with me every step in every minute. a lesson i was starting to realize last weekend and finally have had to see because when i called to tell him i had to have the cat scan right away and was scared he sent an email to the faculty at his school and said he had to leave and that someone still needed to cover one of his classes and the tests were on the desk. just like that. (thank goodness he came because i could have never driven myself home.) i have finally started talking to my grandmother – as i was in the cat scan machine i just started talking to her – knowing that she had several of these before she died…hoping she could help me stay calm. it wasn’t the x-ray that scared me, it was the contrast dye that went through my veins. but now i am talking to her. haven’t heard anything back yet but still, this is one step several people have invited me to try. i have also found that singing IZ’s song about a white sandy beach in Hawaii in my head does help me go to that very place and sit on the beach watching for whales…so go ahead and poke me and x-ray me and prod me. i will be hanging out with the humpbacks.

i will know more Monday. until then i am resting and taking pain meds to stay on top of the pain (my new favorite past time). and drinking mug after mug of tea. and snuggling on the couch in flannel pjs.

(to read more about the incredible long weekend seven bloggers had in seattle last week, check out the blogs of the women i linked to in my last post.)

we walk the same line...

Spending time with some kindred spirits this weekend...

Thea

Susannah

Meg

Letha

Denise

Michelle

Late fall hydrangea blooms (yes, all on one plant)...

a life that is shifting {self-portrait challenge}

An imperfect person living in her life.

I grew up listening to Paul Simon. I have distant memories of Saturdays and my mom stacking several records on the turn table and hearing her sing along. I will suddenly know the words to a song and it is because of those Saturdays and that stack of records. I sometimes wonder how many songs I really know (and how I would not have failed chemistry in college if it had been taught in song).

Back in June, Paul Simon’s newest album, Surprise, was the first album I downloaded onto my iPod nano. And I listened to it over and over again. On an afternoon in June, I pretended for a moment that he was sitting on a stool singing to me. And somehow in that moment, with my eyes closed and my ears and heart absorbing every word, I believed he really was there. And he has been singing to me ever since.

I am still absorbing the fact that I saw him in concert last month because, well, you see, I really do think he is singing to me. His words have hit me in a way that forces me to stop and listen and reflect and navigate a bit differently. And now he is appearing to me in dreams. He is literally singing to me in my dreams now. I wake up and think, “Paul is trying to tell me something else. Better listen to him today.”

Last week, I was listening to the album Still Crazy After All These Years while I was working. The second time it was playing through, I has paused my work and in the deep breath of a moment, I was struck by the song “Gone at Last.” So I played it on repeat a few times and danced and sang and danced some more.

Gone, gone, gone at last
Gone at last, gone at last
I had a long streak of that bad luck
But I’m prayin’
it’s gone at last

With this song it is partly the beat that got me off my feet and got me to pay attention. But then it was these words that had me tearing up in that “oh shit, you so are validating all I have experienced, the crap and the good and the big crap and the fantastic” way. Those tears that prick at the back of my eyeballs because I know I am not alone in how I feel, how I “get it.”

Once in a while from out of nowhere
When you don’t expect it, and you’re unprepared
Somebody will come and lift you higher
And your burdens will be shared
Yes I do believe, if I hadn’t met you
I might still be sinking fast
I’ve had a long streak of bad luck
But I’m praying it’s gone at last

I cannot believe how much my life has changed in the past 18 months. I. cannot. believe. it. And although I believe I was on this path to begin with, I still know that things have shifted. And, it is only because of a broken heart, the deepest of grief, that my path shifted. I know I have written about this idea before, but I just need to say it again and again and again because it simply rocks me. That such sadness could bring such life and meaning to my world. To be given a gift of myself even when the grief claws at me. It is astounding.

In the song “Graceland,” Simon sings,

And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you’re blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

I don’t think you understand what this means until, one day you do. Someone asked me recently if losing my grandmother was the first time my heart was broken. And I said yes. But the truth is that is not the case. There have been other moments where my heart hurt. However, this was the first time I understood. That is the difference. When my parents divorced, the pain was deep and confusing, and I didn’t understand. Other moments in my life have been like this, painful but I didn’t understand the pain.

When I stood in that funeral home, in one swift moment I understood. I understood all of it. I understood everything.

I walked into that room as one person and walked out as another version of myself. Though only one piece of my reality had changed, it was clear that this new understanding shifted everything.

Back in June when I closed my eyes and Paul Simon sat on a stool in my bedroom singing to me, the words to “Once Upon a Time There Was Ocean” sang in my heart because I knew the singer of this song understood this idea. Understood me. And so began my love affair with the poetry of Paul Simon’s lyrics.

I figure that once upon a time I was an ocean
But now I’m a mountain range
Something unstoppable set into motion
Nothing is different, but everything’s changed

good morning monday {october 29}

singing

Paul Simon. he is appearing to me in dreams now. (more on this tomorrow.)

watching

Finding Nemo. haven’t watched this one in a while. i get chills at the part where all the sea creatures and then birds are spreading the story of a fish looking for his son.

House – still watching Season One. Still creepy, but still so good.

in no particular order:
Battlestar Galactica
Ugly Betty (loved it. survivor lost me this week by playing the retrospective)
Gilmore Girls
Studio 60
Heroes (okay THAT show is super good)
(i could keep going but i am a bit embarrassed that i really am watching this much tv)

Whoopi: Back to Broadway (for the second time. so good. so much heart in the midst of her words.)

reading

this blog. i can’t wait to see heather’s fabrics when her line comes out with free spirit.

the poetry of Billy Collins from the collection in Questions about Angels. the poem "candle hat" resonated with me deeply last night as i had a poetry reading in the bathtub. (you can read it here.) when i finished it i exclaimed aloud, "fantastic." i couldn't help myself.

Ina Garten’s new cookbook. (she had me at the dedication.)

creating

something that is, hate to say it, a secret. but i will share pictures after i give them as gifts. (because i am super excited about them.)

enjoying

the way i can now post larger pictures because Deb taught me how to change the size of my blog columns (or whatever the technical term is). Thanks Deb!

cooking/eating

stir fry…with some of our yummy veggies. this is how i will eat those “grassy” leafy greens.

the best peppermint ice cream. slow-churned low-fat dreyers. it tastes like the “real” thing. love it!

drinking

green tea. green tea. and some more…green tea.

anticipating

my brother’s experience at the CMJ Music Marathon in NYC this week. his band, Daytime Volume, was on the front page of the intermission section of our hometown paper (read it here). i can’t wait to tell you how to buy your own copy of the CD that will be released in January – stay tuned. (if you click on their name above you can hear a few of their songs. good stuff.)

a visit from some dear friends…in just a few short days (hours really).

thinking

about how sweet jonny is to help me clean the house. thank you my dear.

about how i work for such an incredible woman. having a boss you admire and respect (and she doesn't care that you work in your pjs because you work from home) is more than a good thing. it is a great, fantastic thing.

loving

flannel pajamas, hot cocoa, saturday college football, sunflowers, the colors of fall, fudge, stripey socks, and pumpkins.

senses. delicate fall.

{see}

{hear}

{touch}

{smell}

{taste}

{and know}

flowers and some hair of red...

Thursday morning I woke up grumpy. crabby. a little bit annoyed with the world. I hate when my alarm has to wake me up. Usually I get up long before the alarm (I set it as a last resort in a kind of "guess i need the sleep if i don't get up before it" way). The alarm scared me. I woke up from a dream with my heart pounding. And then read some work emails that made me even more grumpy.

But two things got me out of my grumpiness.

The first: A gift to me from Alicia's Posie shop:

(I love how she packages everything. Perfect. It really is like opening up a gift for yourself. And it would be so easy to send someone a gift from her site. Love it.

(okay so it may not look like i am a redhead. but i am a brunette with red highlights, really i am. yep. i am.) (oh and the reason i didn't show my whole face is because i think i looked "middle aged" in that photo - not that there is anything wrong with that, if you are indeed middle aged but at 30 i don't think i am so much there yet. but a clerk at the mall said to me, after i commented that i hadn't noticed this new hipper section of clothes that isn't just for juniors before, "yes, it is kind of a hip middle age section." ah. okay. glad i just bought one thing. oh and she was, by the way, my mom's age. so a bit older than moi.)

The second thing that got me out of my crabbiness was a phone call from my friend (thanks V. so good to catch up).

I highly recommend buying yourself a little gift or two from one of the independent artists out there in blog world. Go on. You know you want to.

Happy weekend!