poetry in every moment {poetry thursday}

In this week’s Poetry Thursday prompt I mentioned that since I started reading and writing poetry I have noticed that poetry seems to be in every moment. I realize this may be naïve or give a nice obvious indication of how new poetry is to my life. But I think of it as something else.

When I told people I was going to give a presentation about journaling as a practice earlier this year, so many people were quick to say to me, “I don’t journal” or “I hate journaling” and so on (not you bloggers, those other people). When I asked them why, many said, “because I have nothing of any importance to say” or something similar.

Poetry can invite some related insecurities, “I don’t understand it” and “I don’t know what I would write.” In noticing the moments of poetry in my life, I begin to feel confidence to find the words, to write a poem.

********

A few moments of poetry in my week:

Standing in the bathroom, I lean against the counter eye-to-eye with me. The continued awareness that I greet an old friend. I am not afraid.

Millie watches every move my husband makes. He turns the page of the newspaper, he scratches his head, brings his mug of tea to his lips, she is there with every movement. I wonder what she thinks, hopes, “will this movement bring dinner?”

Closing my eyes and losing myself, just for a moment, in the music of Loreena McKennitt. While listening I imagine myself in a long flowing skirt of layers and layers of fabric, flowers in my hair, spinning in circles and dancing beneath a huge, full moon while women play the drums and other instruments in celebration.

Observing the interactions between a mother and son. Though he is an adult, there is still the expectation between them that she does and he lets her.

An argument with my husband about the way he cooked dinner for us after I get home from yoga class. I wonder if I am the same person who gently leads my class through pose after pose to remind them who they are, who can then come home and expect perfection for dinner.

Resting my head back in the basin at the beauty salon while the color seeps into my hair, I close my eyes and just listen to all the voices around me.

I walk through the house and light candle after candle.

For the second time in two weeks a woman reminds me of my life’s path. And this time I listen.

I am crabby and still in my pajamas at 1:00 in the afternoon because the work has piled up and it feels like it has taken over my life. I am becoming my parents.

A friend gives me a glimpse into her experiences, her journey. I listen and nod. The gift of the opportunity to understand.

My foot leans into the pedal as I move the fabric through the foot of the machine. Feeling the rhythm, what was once only in my mind is now a reality.

I look in the mirror and giggle. Wearing my hanky pankies, my silk camisole, my cardigan, and a flower in my hair. I am a redhead!

********

Writing this I realize that when work consumes me, I end up spending too much time alone in my house. I want to come back to this exercise with the intention of taking time each day to get out of my house. Even if that means just sitting in the backyard and watching the birds, taking Millie on a quick walk, driving to Starbucks for…you guessed it, a pumpkin latte. The need to get outside myself.

taking things personally {self-portrait challenge}

When I was in high school I had a journal that had quotes from women throughout the pages. I often think about this one:

Women are repeatedly accused of taking things personally. I cannot see any other honest way of taking them.
Marya Mannes

It struck me then, and it strikes me now. That quote felt like a literal self reflection. There is a scene in You’ve Got Mail where Tom Hanks’ character says, “It’s not personal; it’s business.” And Meg Ryan’s character talks about how people say that, but if it is anything, it is personal. Life is personal.

I think people consider me someone who is emotional. I take things personally. I think this is one of my best qualities. Yep. I admit it. I love that I am emotional. I don’t mean dramatic (though I am quite sure I have my moments). No, I mean someone who isn’t afraid of feeling. Someone who admits to having emotions and feeling them.

I spend a lot of time sifting through my own “stuff,” the guts of life. The insecurities and past stuff. I sift and peel back and move through. As I do this I uncover, you guessed it, a lot of emotion.

When you are someone who sifts through things a lot, you become aware of your triggers. Why do I feel this way when someone does ____? Why am I angry about _____? Why do I feel like crying in certain moments? What is all of this really about? These are questions I am always asking myself.

The introspective me wants to know the answers. But the emotional me sometimes invites a feeling of searching for the answers through a bit of fog.

Last week was a week where several things collided at once. Just when I thought, “okay, I can figure this out,” I was hit from another side with something else. Over and over again. And even though I received support from some dear friends through this, the emotional me got a bit caught up in it all. And the “stuff” I uncovered began to cloud…well…everything.

I felt like I was on one of those rides at the fair. The one where it starts out slow, moving in a circle over a few little hills, but then it gets faster and faster and the music playing gets louder and louder. And you can’t stop it. When I was in, maybe, second grade, my father took a friend and me on one of those rides. I screamed the entire time. I kept begging my dad to wave to the guy to let him know I wanted to get off. The terror actually bubbles up a bit just thinking about that experience. A total loss of control.

It is a delicate balance. The emotional and the self-reflective. You have to check in with yourself, take your temperature, to figure out what is really going on. Because, the reality is, you are the only one who knows. You are the only one who understands why you choose to react the way you do. And figuring that out is hard enough.

Imagine if you start attempting to figure out why everyone else is doing what they are doing? Well, that can start to get really messy, especially because they are the only ones who can know. And they might not be in a place to really understand this.

Sometimes I wonder how we have any relationships at all. Truly. How do we ever successfully communicate with another person when we have a hard enough time communicating with ourselves? But, I believe relationships are part of the beauty of our time here. Connecting. Feeling. Finding our way through the emotional connections we have with others, this is a big piece of the journey.

Perhaps nestling into a life full of emotion can cause one to feel a bit blurry at times. But I think this is what we do: We make a commitment to feel, really feel deeply, so that we can live in our lives.

(to see other reflections on imperfection visit self-portrait challenge.)

good morning monday {october 23}

singing

I am one of those people who hums along with instrumental music. I have been known to make up sounds that are words to this music…I have been spending time with the soundtracks from The Hours and Chocolat lately. Just love how those soundtracks put your right back into the movies.

watching

Don Juan DeMarco. One of my all-time favorite movies. I have probably seen it at least twenty times. In college, I used to watch it almost weekly (okay so maybe more than twenty times). I hadn’t seen it in a few years, and as I was sewing this weekend, I recited the lines along with Mr. Depp and Mr. Brando. It has one of my favorite last lines of all time.

The first season of House (I am through the first four episodes. This is one creepy, good show.)

Sense and Sensibility. Another movie I have seen over and over again. My two favorite moments: When Marianne call to Col Brandon in the doorway; she is in bed ill and has just started to get better. How his face changes, ever so slightly, (don’t blink you will miss it) when she says thank you. That look = hope. I lost a piece of my heart to Alan Rickman the first time I saw that movie (yes, I do mean Snape…he is so good). My other favorite moment is when Eleanor spontaneously combusts into tears when she realizes Edward is not married. I love her reaction. Pure emotion. Beautiful.

reading

I must be honest that I have mostly just been reading my work (I am an editor). And I have spent a few minutes with a two-week-old Entertainment Weekly.

creating

Purses! I will have show and tell soon…

Pictures with my camera. Walking around Point Defiance Park Friday afternoon has reminded me of all the gorgeous colors in the world. So many gorgeous colors and textures. (Point Defiance Park was where I snapped those photos of the roses I posted this weekend. It is an incredible park right on Puget Sound. Our delightful zoo is there so I could actually hear elephants as I took pictures.)

Last year at this time I took my camera with me everywhere, always thinking about what pictures to post here on this blog. The photos I took last Friday are reminding me of that feeling.

enjoying

Listening to my golden retriever snore. Really, I love that sound.

A couple of delightful phone conversations with Alexandra this weekend. She called to let me know she did try the pumpkin doughnut at Starbucks. You, yes you, you should go try one too! (Oh and Alexandra – I did try the maple coffee drink…oh my goodness.)

cooking/eating

All these gorgeous veggies and fruits. I love Tiny’s! Any thoughts on what to make with bok choy?

And I have been inspired to actually start cooking again. Started with Ina’s turkey meatloaf. (yummy)

drinking

A maple macchiato from Starbucks. (No they don’t pay me to advertise…but it is hard to escape that place out here. So good.)

anticipating

A visit from some dear friends…in just a few short days.

thinking

About the lovely afternoon I spent with Letha on Saturday. We wandered through Ballard (a delightful Seattle neighborhood full of fun stores and cafes. They have so many coffee shops! (Oh I bought some shoes I will have to model for you!)

About how to redo the template of this blog so that I can post larger pictures without the sidebar being knocked down to the bottom of the screen. Any suggestions? On the same note: Has anyone switched from blogger to another blog host and been able to move their archives? If yes, please let me know how you did it. (thanks!)

loving

A house full of candlelight. Last year at about this time, I read a blog post about how someone in this neck of the woods starts lighting candles before dusk so that the house is full of candlelight when it starts getting dark so early. Then as she walks around the house blowing them out before going to bed, she says blessings for people in her life. I have started doing this as well. It makes the house so yummy and cozy and warm. And blessings are always a good thing.

What have you been up to?

senses. fall rose garden.

{see}

{taste}

{touch}

{hear}

{smell}

{and know}

a bus full of poetry {poetry thursday}

My husband gets up before me almost every day (except for the nights I suffer from insomnia). So sometimes when I make my way to my laptop in the morning, I will find a clipping from the newspaper waiting for me. Something he thought I might want to know. (love this)

Earlier this week, I came upon a little clipping about a magic bus full of poetry. It seems that Wave Books has a bus that has been traveling around the country during September and October celebrating poetry with poetry readings and other events. 50 cities in 50 days.

My reason for telling you this is because the bus will be in Portland on October 24 and will be back in Seattle on October 27. If you are in this neck of the woods, you might want to check it out.

To read more visit this article at The Washington Post and this article at The Believer (which, by the way, is a very interesting online publication I have just stumbled upon).

And also check out the Poetry Bus Tour blog (I am calling it that...because...well, I think it is a blog).

A bus full of poets and poetry...sounds like a nice way to spend a few weeks doesn't it?

what to do...

update: just got off the phone with my grandpa. he is still in the hospital and even though he said he is doing horrible, his voice sounded strong and i got him to laugh. i am feeling hopeful.

********

some thoughts running around my head today about little things you can do when you feel overwhelmed/sad/confused/afraid:

do call a friend when you need to talk; don't just think about it and wonder if she will have time for you or if he will be around, just dial the phone. (thank you and thank you. support from someone who loves you is a wonderful gift.)

ask your blogger friends for help. (thanks for kind words and sending such positive thoughts to my grandpa and to me.)

seek laughter. (if you are having a crappy day, seek out comedy specials on HBO. last night, i watched ellen's special here and now for the fourth time and laughed until i cried. i followed that with wanda sykes hbo special...oh she is some kind of funny. i think i might turn ellen on again later today.)

notice the little things your partner does to help you feel better. (jonny, thanks for making tacos and getting me ice cream.)

cuddle with your pet. (scoot over here millie.)

cuddle with your ugly dolls. (thanks for the support jeero and moxie.)

dive into the archives of a blogger you enjoy and really get to know that person. (this is my new way of reading blogs: read the entire archives. yes, i am doing this right now. i feel a bit like i am stalking alicia at posie gets cozy when i open her blog again and keep it open all day, but i am reading her entire blog in between chapters i am editing this week.)

wear flannel pj's and warm snuggly slippers. (especially if it is chilly out.)

notice nature. (there are so many birds in our backyard lately. cooler weather is here and they are eating so much.)

think about all the things you have to look forward to. (if you don't have something, create something. i have something that i am very excited about, but i am also thinking about little things, like grey's anatomy tomorrow.)

create something with your two hands. (cook some soup, paint a canvas, paint your toenails, write a poem. tomorrow i am going to finish those purses and start some gifts.)

curl up in child's pose. (i settle into this pose and breathe and invite my body to let go of all that it holds.)

take a long hot shower. (off to do this now.)

give in to the tears if they are there. don't be afraid of them. (going to probably do this right now, in the shower, too.)

what do you do?

********

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keep out the joy.
Jim Rohn

waiting...

Somewhere in the last few days (on a blog I read, I am sure), I came across this quote:

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on...
Robert Frost

I have been thinking about these words ever since I read them. I recall hearing this quote at some point in my past, but it was when I read it recently that it resonated with me in a way that stuck.

My grandfather is back in the hospital. He is bleeding internally. This is all I know. They thought he was okay. It doesn't seem that he is. I don't know anything else. I am sitting in the quiet of my home trying to work and mostly I am scared. My eyes are puffy from crying and my head feels full of snot. He is so far away and there isn't anything I can do right now but wait. And try not to jump to conclusions or let fear take over. So I wait.

Wait for that phone to ring.

I have been listening to a song over and over again lately...Kelly put it on a CD she made me after we connected at ArtFest last year. The song is called "We Walk the Same Line" (by Everything but the Girl). There is a line about how loud the phone rings when you're waiting for news. Yes.

And no matter what that news is. Good news. Things are just the same news. I don't know anything news. The worst news. Life just keeps going. That is the one certainty.

So I sit with this idea: When we realize that this is it, that life goes on, we then have the choice to decide how we will live in this life. Every day, you have this choice. Because every day the world just keeps going on around you.

Right now my choice is to realize that today is a day when I don't have the energy to go it alone. So I am asking you to take a second or two and send positive thoughts/energy/prayers to my grandfather in South Carolina. {thanks}

********

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain on midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you loose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost,
I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost,
I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

(lyrics from "We Walk the Same Line" by Everything but the Girl)

good morning monday {october 16}

singing

back to Paul Simon. the graceland album.

watching

project runway. i can’t wait for the season finale on wednesday!

a very odd, yet interesting movie called time after time. malcolm mcdowell as HG Wells if he had indeed built his time machine. (jack the ripper in involved. it is odd. let’s just say jonny wanted it in the netflix queue.) sidenote: we totally saw malcolm mcdowell in port townsend last month which is what prompted "netflixing" the movie. he was there for their film festival and ate at the same restaurant we did.

harvey. do you know this movie? oh how i love, love, love it. jimmy stewart. i adore him.

johnny depp on inside the actor’s studio (i couldn’t help but think of you michelle).

reading

the newest copy of home companion (i subscribe now. i am owning my inner-craftiness.)

the poetry of li-young lee from Rose. i am so struck by his images. i just want to spend an entire day wrapped up in his words.

creating

this…

so i don’t know what i am doing, but i tried appliquéing a tea towel for the swap i am participating in. (it is now on its way to australia!) [i have to admit i think it is cute but i worry it won’t survive the wash. like i said, i don’t really know what i am doing. {this is the part where you direct me to a tutorial.}]

and some new purses...here they are in progress...

enjoying

those PC v. Mac commercials. i love them. i admit it. especially the new one where they are in therapy together. it cracks me up (i mean i actually laugh out loud).

pam garrison’s blog (i read her entire archives in the wee hours of the morning saturday). what a wonderful view of the world this artist has. hope to take a class from her at some point in the future!

alicia’s deliciously beautiful blog (i am currently reading her archives and enjoying every bit of wisdom, color, and craftiness that comes from her heart).

crafty synergy (a blog with interviews with women who have made their “craftiness” their life’s work).

cooking/eating

thanks for the tips about the chards and the beets! we ate the chards saturday night (cooking them on the stove). jon liked them…i thought they tasted like grass…which is why I avoid those green leafy veggies so often. but I added some raisins and that was good. I am trying to love leafy veggies, really I am. we added the beats to salad – they were scrumptious. I have a few left so I might try to make a soup for fun…or just eat more salad.

this morning, i ate breakfast sitting at the table. tried to make it a little event of “me” time. no laptop. no tv. just me (and an old issue of MSL).

yes, that is a pumpkin scone (from my favorite grocery store: metropolitan market. and when you come visit, I will take you there and you will stand in the produce section and want to weep as well).

drinking

genmaicha (green tea with brown rice).

cranberry juice.

anticipating

my (red) converse sneakers and my little dream to make a difference. this phrase “we are the people we’ve been waiting for” is resonating deeply within me today. it is one of the phrases used by people supporting the (red) campaign. if you missed bono on oprah friday, visit these sites to learn more:
(blog) red
become (red)/join (red)
the global fund
(red) oprah.com
i am going to write a longer post about this so it doesn’t get lost in the middle of my list here…but i hope you will think about joining me in supporting (red).

thinking

about the conversation i had with my mom friday. it was a good conversation, and we talked about lots of “stuff.” i learned more about my grandmother’s death in the midst of this conversation as i shared what i have been thinking about lately. (i learned that she was, in fact, alone when she died. i did not know this. somehow between the information from my mom, grandpa, and aunt, i thought the doctor/nurses tried to save her. but no, she was already dead. of course, this doesn’t affect the reality of her death. still, it changes my understanding. and fills me up with a mixture of new sadness and relief.)

about an incredible conversation i had with my dear friend letha on friday. this woman and her family are going to go to africa next year and change the world. i cannot wait to see what happens.

i have been reflecting on this idea i have talked about before that through my grief i found myself. and that 18 months ago i never would have dreamed that i would be waking myself up at 4 a.m. on a Saturday because my brain was filled with stories and ideas for things i want to create with my own hands. incredible. so i got up out of bed and sketched and researched some things. and then went back to bed for a while, then got back up and started creating!

loving

my grandpa. he has been in the hospital all weekend and should be going home today. nothing too serious and for that i am so very thankful. (my fear of losing him just rests inside the grief of losing my grandmother. it is all so connected. and this weekend i just tried to keep it all on a little shelf inside my heart.)

this face. she is such a blessing to me. i am less lonely because she is here beside me every single day.