having a bit of a moment and hoping the deity of computers reads my blog

last week, an odd message appeared out of no where on my desktop computer. i shut down. restarted. all was fine. i am one of those wacky people blessed with a laptop and a desktop. i use my desktop for scanning, downloading my pictures from my rebel, printing, and some work and my work-related email. so a whole lotta stuff is on that thing. my laptop is a new purchase (well, in the last few months) so now i am not attached to a desk all the time and can work from the couch or take off for a cafe in the middle of the day and work from there.
but.
the message appeared again today. and now nothing is working. jon spent an hour on the phone with dell and we thought all was right again. it worked for a few minutes (of course we had hung up with ravi the nice guy from dell who just might be in india). until i tried to check my email. same error message. the computer is not working. at all. i can restart in safe mode and it will work for a few minutes. then the same error message.
here is the kicker. (and how i know some of you relate to this next part.)
all of my pictures taken in the last two years are on that damn computer.
(yes. you. yes. you. nodding at this screen. yes. you are right. i did not back them up.)
so this means that the last pictures of my grandmother and me and the last pictures of my golden traveler. these last pictures are stuck on this computer.

so this comes up...

a few weeks ago a friend and i were talking about her big move. the stress that comes with moving period. let alone moving to a new state. it is scary. and she and her husband were feeling the pressure. she said that the three biggest stresses in a person's life are (in order):
losing a loved one
losing a pet
moving

then she looked at me and said, "you had all three didn't you?"
yes. in a nine month time period i moved across the country from the only place i had ever lived (and this means i "changed" jobs), my dog died, and then my grandmother died.
no wonder i felt lost in the midst of it all.

and all the pictures taken during this time of being lost are stuck on my computer. i know there are lessons. don't i always find those darn lessons.
but right now i just want to cry. i feel a deep hole in my chest. i know it isn't about the pictures really it is about all that other stuff. about not having control. about missing loved ones. and i just want to curl up in a little ball.

instead i am crawling into bed with my three uglydolls (we welcomed two new ones into the family this week so jeero is no longer alone) and jon and i'm gonna watch another episode of making fiends.

we'll call ravi the dell guy again tomorrow and hope he can work a miracle. if he can't, then the geek squad may be making a stop by this house.

finally getting a little sexy with poetry {poetry thursday}

A few weeks ago, the prompt at Poetry Thursday was sex. And I happily shared two poems written by others on that day. Because, well, ahem, my parents sometimes read my blog. And my friends who may not talk about such things also stop by. And a friend I also work with might be reading it right now (hi). So writing about sex is something...ahem...that doesn't quite come easily to me. Except that isn't really true. It is more writing about sex and then posting it for others to read (anyone out there in all the world), well, that is the part that gets me in a bit of a tizzy.

But, as soon as I read this week's completely and totally optional Monday idea, this poem began to dance in my head. And it continued to dance throughout these last few days. So tonight, as I listened to Itzhak Perlman's violin play "Tango (Por Una Cabeza) "on repeat, this poem took shape. A little blending of PT's sex and music prompts.

tango on a hot july night

the click of the record player
needle skids
as the first notes play
a sigh

her hands move to the roundness of her belly

a woman in a black dress,
pink rose tucked in her hair
eyes dark
fierceness on her face
his hand splayed across her back
they stare at one another
quick turn
long step
look away
her leg kicks
and slides across the floor
then his
long step
slow turn
bodies collide
skirt twirls
long step
quick quick quick
turn

ba boom
ba boom

her hand moves to her breast

the woman turns her face away
he pulls her in
a violence that invites no fear
quick turn
long step
long step
her foot slides
then his
slow turn
knees bend
pivot
pull closer
anticipate every move
breath
turn

ba ba boom
ba ba boom boom boom

fingertips to lips as another sigh escapes

sweat begins to form
the small of her back
his forehead
quick turn
long step
he thrusts her closer
pause
long step
quick quick quick
bodies lean in
never letting go
feet know
her foot slides
then his
quick turn
skirt twirls
slow slow
quick quick
turn
breath to breath

hands roam where needed
soft sighs
the music quiets
a whisper until the final moment

one hand to her forehead, the other below her belly

ba boom
ba boom

********

Poetry Thursday was a weekly poetry project that I created and then co-hosted back in 2006-2007. The site is no longer online.

looking at the outside becomes a peek inside

Yesterday, as I sat looking at myself on the first day of the reflection meditation, I had three distinct thoughts.
The first came as I tried to get comfortable. Last week, I decided I was going to use the mirror that is on the back of our bedroom door. This way I could close the door and create a little cocoon for myself between the wall and my bedside table. A place where I could sit and look directly into my own face, without holding a mirror, and also have some privacy. And because I can be stubborn, I tried to get comfortable in this same place even though my back and right leg hurt. I tried sitting on my knees, so I did not have to rotate my right hip. But of course, this hurt my knees. I finally "stood" on my knees, all the time wanting to just say, "okay, my five seconds are up." Then the thought came, "You are going to have to do this. You can't just talk about it. This can't be another thing you talk about but do not do."

As I looked into my face, I concentrated on my eyes. I like my eyes. I even think they are kind of pretty. But then I forced myself to take in the rest of my face. The second thought arrived like a car slamming into a telephone poll, "I am going to have to look at you for the next two months. Every single day?"
After another minute or so, I found myself feeling somewhat amused at my state. Back aching, standing on my knees looking in the mirror, feeling a bit pouty, and when this amused expression crossed my face, I noticed how much my face seemed to change. I let myself find my breath and just look at me. As a few moments passed, it was almost as though my face became flat and I could see every corner of it. I began to turn to look at the left side of my face, then the right. And I discovered that I have four moles/freckles on my right cheek that I had never really noticed. And the third thought came, "what else don't you know about yourself?"

A deep sigh within.

What do we not know about ourselves? What are we hiding from the world, from ourselves? We are the only ones who can truly know us; yet, somehow we are afraid to peek inside and see what is there. No one will ever know you as well as you know yourself. Do not be afraid. Take a peek. See yourself.

********

I want to thank you for the emails and comments you all have sent/left about this meditation. Some of you have even posted about your experience on your blogs this week; we are all thankful for your words. This is already a powerful journey and we are on only the second day.

Later today I am going to send out an email (keeping the email addresses private) to those of you who have indicated you are participating in the reflection meditation. If you do not receive one and would like to be included (this means that 1) I don't have your email, 2) I didn't know you were participating, or 3) between my trip and the pain medication I somehow forgot to add you), please email me (don't just leave a comment though because sometimes emails aren't included in the comments - thanks). I will send these emails out every now and then over the next two months.

my body as an enclosed space {self portrait challenge}

This week, my body prevents me from physically tucking inside an enclosed space and taking a picture for this month's self portrait challenge of tight spaces.

My body is my enclosed space this week. The aches in my back, hip, and down my leg have invited me to feel trapped in my own body. This body is used to stretching and bending and reaching and twisting. I love to forward bend in my yoga practice. I love to teach forward bending. I love to exhale into twists and feel my body open as I move out of the twist. But right now, my body cannot do any of this.

Tomorrow, I will meet with my yoga teacher in the hopes of freeing myself from some of this body claustrophobia. I keep singing that Queen song..."I want to break free....I want to break free." Yes. Three days of feeling trapped in my body is enough for me.

self-acceptance {a meditation}

Tomorrow, some of us will begin a two month daily reflection meditation. (To read more about this, see this post and this post.) The following meditation can be used on its own or as a starting point for the daily reflection meditation.

For this meditation, you need to have a mirror near you. However, you can choose not to use a mirror and instead imagine a mirror in your mind and imagine your reflection.

Updated in 2011: Consider spending at least 30 seconds looking in the mirror the first time you practice this meditation. Then, as you are ready, work up to a few minutes.

*******

 

Finding a comfortable way to sit, begin to come into your body. Close your eyes.

Take a moment to find your center.
Let you next inhalation begin there.

As you breathe, begin to reflect on the word acceptance.
What comes to mind?
An image? An idea? A feeling?

When you are ready, bring your mind to the idea of self-acceptance.

With your next inhalation, begin to invite self-acceptance into your center.
As you exhale, let this self-acceptance settle over you like a blanket.

When you are ready, open your eyes and look in the mirror in front of you.
Continue to breathe from your center, connecting with the self-acceptance that resides there, that is a part of you.

Notice where your mind travels.
Breathe your way into the feelings.
Try to let go of any judgment that arises.
When you are ready, let the mind rest in the center of the body, in this place of self-acceptance.

Namaste. 

four things

1) Seeing friends you have known for 15 years, spending time with them, laughing together over breakfast, walking down memory lane is quite a treat. (And retiring at the end of the day into a romantic cabin with your husband who listens to it all and holds your hand ain't so bad either.)

2) Seeing two people in love, and watching them get married, is a very nice way to spend a Friday afternoon.

3) Teton National Park is one of the prettiest spots in all the country (at least that I have seen). And Jackson Lake Lodge has one of the best spots in all the world to have a meal (I think there are probably other spots that are gorgeous out there but this one is up toward the top of the list and you should go there if you are ever in that neck of the woods). You can sit at a table right by a huge window and look out at Jackson Lake with the Tetons behind it. They are right there. And there is only nature between you and them. Have another drink of wine and take a breath and look again. Heaven.

4) I have always been able to say, "oh no, I don't have back pain, I do yoga." Until today. Around 2:00 a.m. this morning, I woke up in excrutiating pain. And it didn't stop when I took some Advil, when I woke up again, after I ate breakfast, on the trip to the airport, on the first plane ride when I was basically in tears from pain, while in airport #2 (though my mind was momentarily distracted by a nice dish of frozen yogurt), while finishing the first book, while on plane ride #2, while reading the first 80 pages of book #2, while waiting for our luggage, while waiting in the emergency room, while being told I had to put on a hospital robe (the second time tears began), while explaining to the doctor that standing seems to be the best option and reduces the pain by a tiny bit, while explaining the pain is up there on the 1-10 scale and that I haven't been in labor so I don't know if it is that bad, while being diagnosed with sciatica, while holding in the tears when the doctor left the room because this yoga teacher knows this diagnosis is not a good one, while waiting for special pills, while riding in the car home (finally), while eating thai food, while trying to finish work before going to bed. Nope. Pain. Now I "get" back pain. Whenever a student comes to me in the future to explain back pain, I will be able to nod and say, "oh how I know that."

What 4 things have you been up to while I have been gone?

eat, drink, and be merry (or in this case, married)

Later today, Jon and I are headed to Jackson, Wyoming for the wedding of one of my boarding school friends. In college, I spent a summer there with this friend and three others; it is gorgeous country. Jon has never been, and I can't wait to introduce him to it all.

While I am gone, please enjoy these two poems by Li-Young Lee (I have been smitten with his words since I "discovered" the poem "Persimmons" last week. The first is called "Eating Together" and falls into the realm of the PT food prompt; the second is a tender poem called "The Gift."

as a meditation {self portrait challenge} and another invitation

self portrait as a meditation (for self portrait challenge)

Last Friday, I wrote about taking self portraits and how this exercise has invited me to look at myself physically. I also wrote about being inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s article in the August issue of Yoga Journal. She describes a time in her life when she had a daily practice of looking in the mirror at herself to find the beauty. Her beauty. Even though this invites various emotions inside my head and heart, I am going to begin this practice. A daily reflection meditation.

My practice will begin August 1st and continue for at least two months. I know me, and I know how hard it is for me to stick with something that might be a challenge, so I am committing to this today. I am going to check in about it here, each Wednesday, during these two months. And I hope a couple of you will gently hold me accountable as needed.

Over the last few days, some of you have expressed an interest in joining me in this practice. I appreciate that each person may have varying levels of interest, but I feel the need to put this out in the universe:

Will you commit to two months of this reflection meditation with me?

Here are some things to think about if you decide to say yes:

Find a place in your house where you can be alone, just you and a mirror.
Find a time just for you. Let family know you will need a few minutes to yourself.
Turn the ringer off the phone/move it to another room/choose a room without a phone; commit to letting go of the outside world during this time.
You might want to use a small notebook or journal to write down a reflection after you finish the meditation.
There is no time limit or expectation. Some of us may start at 30 seconds, others at 5 minutes; let your heart guide you to figure out what works for you.

I will continue to post ideas and encouragement during the next two months. I want to balance the idea of the importance of community through this experience while honoring the deeply personal practice of this meditation. I believe the community already exists in blog world and participating in something like this, and blogging about it if you like, will only make this community stronger. At this point, I am not going to create a list of participants. However, if you want to, you could email me, and let me know you are joining the meditation. I appreciate that some people may choose not to blog about this but would still like to let me know they will participate, and I would love to be able to check in with you throughout the experience.

Next Monday, I will post a meditation that you can use to get you started with this practice. 

I hope some of you will come along on the journey.
Namaste.