open eyes {self portrait challenge}

This month's self portrait challenge is to introduce yourself. I do that in almost every post I think. So for this month's challenge, I am simply going to share what comes to me on the day when I decide to post.

Who am I?

I am a woman on the cusp of her thirties who is trying to make a difference in the world. I am a woman trying to heal and grow through the pains of this life. I am a woman learning to love who I am, even when I have trouble seeing the positives. I am a woman trying to be authentic even when it seems easier to be someone else. I am a woman searching for meaning in the midst of...well...in the midst of the crap.

Yes. In the midst of the crap. There is so much that gets thrown at us in this world. The many things to think about and worry about and fear and focus on instead of the real stuff. These things that sidetrack us and numb us and we become a bit crazy about...all the crap.

I am a woman trying to wipe my windshield clean of the crap. This is who I am. I clean it. The next time I turn around it is full again. Wipe. See clearly for a moment. Can't see. Wipe again. Repeat.

If you find that this is part of who you are, don't despair. What I have realized is that most people simply think they can see through the crap.

They. do. not. even. realize. it. is. there.

If you do...well, half the battle is really over because you are living with your eyes open. And we can do this together. Live with open eyes. And just keep wiping off the crap.

will try again tomorrow

i want to write something inspiring...

about how i want to dance for 15 minutes today to celebrate Jamie's beautiful idea.
about the wonderful breakfast i had yesterday with Marilyn, Laini, and Stephanie!
about the fantastic afternoon i spent with Kelly.
about the awareness i experienced listening to the indigo girls yesterday.
about how my heart expands a bit every time i sing at the top of my lungs in the car.
about how much i am enjoying reading May Sarton's Journal of a Solitude.
about the beautiful weather we are having.
about how inspired i feel by the bloggers i am connecting with.

but all i have to say is this...
i am watching last night's west wing episode for the second time because bravo replays it on monday nights at 8 and i am so sad this show is ending and i love alan alda and jimmy smits and the world where a open-minded, compassionate, independent-thinking man is elected into the most powerful office in our country and calls upon an equally open-minded, compassionate, independent-thinking man who happened to be his opponent to serve in an important role in his cabinet. Really. All I really want is some compassionate, open-minded, independent-thinking people to run for office. (oh and even though there is a part of me that still wants to be the first female president [as a child i had a sign hanging from my bedroom door that said "future president sleeping"], i have to admit that i would really like the job of being first lady. an independent-thinking, compassionate, open-minded first lady of course.)

and i am feeling a bit blue...just a bit...but will try to find some inspiration for tomorrow.

seeking

just a little reminder to sit in the quiet and breathe and listen...

poetry thursday

(finding my inner haiku)

A chickadee chirps;
the pillow under my head,
my ears awaken.

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Want to go to a poetry reading? Poets.org has a great calendar of events on their site. Check it out and report back if you attend any readings in a city near you!

Friday is Poem in Your Pocket Day in NYC. I think this idea is fantastic! Carrying a poem in your pocket that you share with friends, family, co-workers, the people who make your latte at Starbucks - the possibilities are endless!

Some people have shared that Poetry Thursday has invited them to discover or rediscover poetry. I love this. If you still aren't sure poetry is for you, I invite you to check out this poem from the Poem in Your Pocket Day website.

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As always, if you want to participate in Poetry Thursday, share a poem on your blog (if you don't have a blog, leave a poem here in the comments). The poem can be one your write or one by someone else (just be sure to give them credit and it is also great to include where you found the poem in case people want to check the book/publication/website out themselves). After you post your poem, you are welcome to leave a comment here so people know you have posted. If you want to be added to the sidebar of participants, just send me an email.

Happy reading! And I invite you to find your inner haiku...maybe not today, but someday soon...

when you are ready.

on a lighter note

I am enjoying Boston Legal right now. I love this show. I started watching it one Tuesday night when Ali mentioned that she was looking forward to watching it later that evening. So I tuned in to check it out.
And now I admit that I enjoy every minute of it. Laughing at the craziness of the world of this lawfirm. I cannot believe what happens to these people. Cracking up out loud, but trying to be quiet so I do not wake-up the husband down the hall. And I have been known to sit with my mouth slightly open because there are moments that shocking. Oh I love it! My favorite part though is the music in between the scenes. The deep "mmms" of the singers. How to explain that one if you don't watch...just imagine deep bluesy sounds that aren't words but are very sultry. Almost like a human saxophone.
Tonight I have decided that I want those sultry sounds between the moments in my life. Imagine, you take the dirty dishes to the kitchen and begin to fill the dishwasher. As you close the dishwasher door, the chorus sings "mmhhmmhmm." You finish reading a wonderful email from a friend. Hhhhmmmmm. You put a pan of enchiladas in the oven. Yeaaahhhhhmmm. You turn on the water for a hot bath. Ooohhhmmmumm. You pull up to the drive-through espresso window. Mmmmhhhmmmm. You slip between the sheets of your bed and spoon up against your already sleeping husband. Ummmhummm.
Love this. Hearing a chorus sing during the little vignettes of your life.

let go again and again

If you know me well, or have been reading this little corner of the world for awhile, you know that I often talk about letting go. And one of the reasons I do this is because I have so much to let go. And today, I was reminded about letting go of the guilt.

This evening, I talked with a dear friend about the idea of taking care of yourself. Putting yourself first. And when I asked her why she doesn't do this, even though she said she wants to and should and on and on...she said in a very quiet voice, "I don't know how." This was so huge. She went on to talk about how she always feel guilty if she puts herself before her job, her friends, her family, all the other stuff she should be doing.

This is a lesson that will be repeated and repeated until it is learned. You cannot live your best life unless you learn to take care of yourself. I believe this is true. And I believe I have not learned it either. You cannot keep your eyes open wide enough to see what is coming next if you are to busy taking care of everyone else. And even people who spend their entire life taking care of others in the most selfless of ways, I believe that they know how to take care of themselves. It may not be with bubblebaths or a shopping spree at a bookstore. Rather, it is more an understanding of what their souls need.

What if we sat in the quiet long enough to listen to what our souls need?

As I sat thinking about this conversation, all of my own guilt decided to bubble up to the surface...I think it heard an invitation I did not realize I had extended.

So tonight, before I go to bed and try to quiet my mind enough to sleep I want to release this guilt:

That I have once again forgotten that ice cream is not a food group and eaten some late at night with a smile on my face.

That I haven't called back some people who have called lately. I am neck-deep in work when I am used to being knee-deep and I am having a hard time juggling it all.

That I have not sent out three packages to other bloggers yet. One that is for a Creativity Exchange swap that I should have sent two weeks ago. Another as a return thank you for a surprise received in the mail. And another that I haven't even started yet that is a trade that I am so excited about. I have made many excuses about being in the midst of moving my art stuff from the dining room table and the living room couch (they are actually in the same room) into my home office that I am making a home office/studio. But really, I simply am having a hard time juggling having stuff to do for once. I am used to have a few hours of work a day and plenty of time to clean, play, nap, talk on the phone, help others, and on and on. I am not complaining. I love that I have lots of work (and so do my checking account and credit card bills), and that I have made some new friends so my social life is more interesting than it has been since we moved here, and that people are reaching out to me. But I still hate that I said, "yes i want to share part of myself through some art and send you something," yet I have not done it.(Remember, this is my guilt - not yours. I love the swaps and will send stuff soon...just please forgive me that they will be late, delayed, and all that stuff.)

That when I feel stress like this I forget to just enjoy the intimate moments with my husband. He invited me for a date after work today. We went for a walk in the woods. Then to our favorite little grocery for food for dinner. Then made dinner together and ate it outside. Guess I feel better about this one already.

That I forget the power of my own words sometimes.

That I sometimes wish Millie was my previous dog Traveler. Well, I kind of just wish they were both my current dogs (though they would have not really gotten along).

That I want to say no to an editing project I do as a volunteer. I do not have time. But I will say yes again. Yes, I will. But this time, I will set some boundaries.

That I am behind in writing a paper for my yoga training. And my presentation. At least I think I know what I will be doing for that. But I have not done the art journal example I planned to work on every day this month so I could show everyone what one would look like.

That I do not have time to read all the blogs I want to read everyday. And I have time to read some, but I don't have time to comment. Yet, people come here and leave me the nicest notes. (thank you)

That I forgot my husband's and my first date anniversary on Friday. He forgot, then remembered, then forgot too. But me, I don't ever forget. But I did. Makes me really sad for some reason. I think because I really get how that day five years ago changed my life forever.

Oh I think I could go on and on here...but this is enough for tonight.

What guilt do you need to release today? Do it now my friends...let it go.

senses. chocolat.

{see}
the deep brown piece of dark chocolate is almost black. i hold it in my hand and smile with anticipation. i walk back to the couch. take a seat. take a breath.

{touch}
the surface of this small morsel of chocolate is smooth. as i run my finger over it, i feel the slight grooves on one side. a little piece melts off onto my finger.

{smell}
i bring the piece toward my mouth and inhale. i close my eyes and am transported. to a small cafe in france with bright yellow walls and red tablecloths; i sit alone and bring a cup of the hot cocoa to my lips and the heat from the drink warms my chilled body. to a shop in belgium where i imagine my husband brings two truffles for us to the bench where i sit outside; his would be coconut, mine double chocolate. to a line outside a chocolatier that is so small only a few people can stand in the shop at a time; as I stand in line the odors waft out through the open door and my stomach starts to rumble. to a couch (or two) in england where i am curled up next to a friend (or two) sharing a bar of chocolate as we laugh and cry and tell stories. to a movie theatre where we pass a box of sno caps between us. to a kitchen in los angeles where i watch a friend make her famous peanut butter and chocolate candies, and lucky me, i get to lick the beaters. to a backyard bonfire where we all roast marshmallows and break hershey bars in half to make smores; i look around and all of my tribe is there with me as we listen to a story of far off places and gypsies and secret passages.

{hear}
in my head, i hear the soundtrack from chocolat. it has been running through my head all day as i have thought about this topic. then the piece of chocolate snaps with a slight sound as i take a bite.

{taste}
the bitter, rich flavor explodes on my tongue immediately. and as it melts, i begin to taste the sweet. just enough to satisfy the need. for now.

{and know}
even though i may not have traveled to all the places the smell of chocolate takes me and enjoyed the perfect evening of chocolate and friendship with some of my dear friends...i know that it does bring us together. this feast for the senses. this sweet, bitter, luscious treat. hope we can enjoy some together soon.

sunday scribblings

four for fun and a request

1) My site has new clothes thanks to Joleen! Thank you girl. I love it!!!

2) Meeting bloggers has become my new favorite past time. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with Dana (aka Lynn of Sprigs) at the zoo here in Tacoma. We sat for quite a while watching the crazy fish with teeth and fins like dancing skirts. And we learned we both get a little uneasy around the tank that is home to the tuna and sharks. The tuna....well, they are a bit like a gang up to no good. And the sharks...you can get way to close to those guys in there. When one started coming directly toward us I had to step back away from the tank...quickly. We also spent some time working on some ideas for Poetry Thursday, but I think we could create a whole new blog just about escapades at zoos. Dana has a wonderful sense of humor...I mean I am still cracking up a day later she is that funny. Visit her blog and you will see what I mean.

3) It's flip flop weather here! The sun is shining and the sky is a gorgeous shade of blue. The squirrels are chasing each other in the yard. New plants seem to be shooting up all over the place. Yes. I am in love with spring.

4) Jon and I joined netflix after Jim and Laini's strong recommendation. How much fun is this? Oh I love moving things around and adding them to the queue. And our first movies arrived. So we have watched the first three episodes of Huff (thanks for the recommendation Denise) and it is already back in the mail. Love it. Huff was very good...we moved the next disc up into the queue and I can't wait to see what happens next in this wacky family.

and a request...
Both Pixie and Marilyn have friends who have recently been diagnosed with cancer. A dear friend of mine's brother will go through a bone marrow transplant here in Seattle later this month. We have all been touched by cancer in some way or another and many of us are probably touched by it right now.
I would love it if you would just take a moment and take a breath and send some positive energy to all that need healing today. That energy can take many forms: prayer, meditation, laughter, positive thoughts...do what feels right for you. Let's see what we can do to help the healing of the body, heart, and soul begin.

(a sunday scribblings post is to come...but have to make a dent in this editing first)