there are things i have wanted to tell you, so i am pretending we are having tea and after being alone all day, you are giving me permission to simply babble...
there is this truth that i keep a lot of things private on my blog even though i do consider this a deeply personal space (and many a person has asked me how i can share so much of my life here). i have wanted to come to this page many times to share pieces of how challenging this pregnancy has been. but part of me has just not wanted to explain yet again. and i guess the last thing i want is advice...and (kind, well-meaning) people just can't seem to stop themselves from giving the pregnant girl advice. do you know what i mean? people can simply say the oddest things that are more about them and less about support and listening. but what we have been experiencing isn't something where advice really is helpful...i have learned a lot about my own need to support instead of listen through this experience and am trying to hold the space more and talk less with friends.
from nausea etc. for many weeks to suddenly being thrust into the world of more tests and ultrasounds and "everything is probably fine but just in case it isn't, we are going to do all of this," i have found myself feeling like a yoyo emotionally as we look toward next month and this little one's arrival. i haven't gained much weight (and lost a bit when i was sick), so i haven't looked "super pregnant" (though i am starting to) and the comments of "where is she in there?" have only reminded me of the "everything is fine but it might not be" reality, even though i have just smiled and tried to say, "oh i haven't gained much weight." the truth is we have been in that category of "worrying about 'baby's growth'" for months. and these comments have only reminded me of that truth. the good news is everything IS probably fine (and an ultrasound with a specialist yesterday confirmed that) and she is a perfect size (as her feet and elbows remind me). but the unknown is scary. especially when your unknown has a higher percentage of not so good than the average person.
i miss my grandparents. but spring brings them to me. and i know this. and it is beautiful.
i am so glad jon wasn't the only dad at breastfeeding class last night. and he was some kind of cute practicing bottle feeding the baby doll we were given during class. seriously. the guy is so ready to meet his daughter. watching him shift a bit these last few months has been such a gift. we are going to a couples who are pregnant weekend workshop this weekend and i look forward to continuing to deepen this standing tall together partnership we have.
in the last six weeks or so, i have found myself escaping to books read aloud on my ipod and sewing prayer flags and hammering letters into lockets. this has been a gift as i seem to find my footing as the rhythm of creating surrounds me. of course, it means i am behind on finishing the nursery, but that is okay. it will all come together. it also means my etsy shop is stocked with more things than i have had in there in months (including some fabric items that had been in a gallery for a while and are now back in the little room). there is such a gift of joy when i package up these whispers of hope to send them out into the world knowing someone is waiting to wear or hang them...and knowing i will be going on a maternity leave of sorts in about a month seems to have pushed me to fill up the shop.
i am in the midst of the last few weeks of working on the book. the first round of author review has happened and the designer is making it beautiful. and, i have been invited to know it is indeed real by the powers-at-be at amazon.com because Inner Excavation is available for preorder (right here...so it is indeed real). the wheels in my brain are turning as i think about all i want to share about this experience and the dream come true of putting words onto a page that will be turned into a book that one can hold in one's hands. it has been its own birth of sorts...and i am so glad for the opportunity to share it with you.
i am so excited that a fall be present retreat is in the works. it will be juicy and full of opportunities to sift through our dreams and truths and moments to claim where we are on our path and invitations to spend time in the quiet soaking it all in. yes. it is going to be so good. details will be available by early next month. so stay tuned.
tomorrow brings a new nine interview to this space. the photos from the interviewee will take your breath away. love this series.
and now, in this moment, i would love to listen instead of ramble. please share where you are in your world...what is taking up space in your brain (that you would like to let go of)? how are you? (really. how are you?)