(ornament by nina bagley)
This week has been one of those weeks where I've questioned a few things...how I move through the world online and off, why I'm invited to repeatedly sift through a lesson around feeling forgotten and left out, the contrast of that "left-out" feeling with the way I feel called to create safe spaces for women to show up as themselves, why I live in a corner of the world that I really love but I struggle to make deep connections with people in my own community.
Each day, as the morning fog gave way to grey sky, the winter blahs and the lonelies were clashing around and inside me.
Yesterday, after Ellie and Jon left for school, I was eating breakfast in my pajamas and trying to decide if I had time to take a shower and answer the stacking emails before diving into orders. And then all of a sudden, all I could think about was, "Get out of the house girl because you need connection. And PS you need a haircut."
In that moment, I actually listened to myself instead of brushing off that wiser than me voice. And that action made something shift.
Maybe it was the self-care move of finally getting a haircut. Maybe it was getting out of the house. Maybe it was taking a break from work even though the to-do list is so long. Maybe it was knowing that a few loved ones who have health issues are doing okay right now.
All I know is that when I opened my heart to connection, I suddenly found it everywhere:
- The delightful chat with my hair stylist and a conversation about cultivating trust so that I don't wait five months to come back and say "I didn't really like the last hair cut" but next time trust her to be able to fix it.
- Laughing with the receptionist at the salon about mama brain and being forgetful.
- An email from a friend telling me how much she has enjoyed our talks lately (and being so thankful since a huge part of our talks has been her holding space for me).
- The way the temperatures warmed and the blue sky peeked out against the tall tall evergreen trees in my front yard and I remembered why I feel so rooted in this part of the world.
- A package from a friend containing not only the bracelet I ordered but also thoughtful treats including the poetry ornament above that will hang in my studio.
- Your beautiful faces smiling back at me and peeks into your world on Instagram.
- The easy chatter with my studio assistant as we packaged orders reminding me why it is so important to not always work alone. Having a home studio is such a gift, but it can get lonely because you don't leave the house. Having someone there so you can say, "What do you think about?" or even just chat about what shows you're watching is such a gift. (And of course it is a plus that she's also Ellie's babysitter too!)
- A few new knitted pieces from my mom, including a cowl meets wrap meets poncho that is exactly like what I've been wanting forever. And hearing the joy in her voice when I called to tell her that.
- The conversation Ellie and I had in the car after I picked her up from school. She tells me stories now. Even though our evening was intense at times because she was really over tired, I continue to feel awe that she can share how she's feeling and what she needs. And she is so darn funny.
And the list just kept going probably because I was paying so close attention and literally making a list in my head. But the truth is that there was a lightness to the day that I simply needed.
Yet, the other feelings are still there at the edges. And I'm aware of them and listening and trying to understand and be open to all that is there. I still feel lonely sometimes. And that is okay. I still wish for a few things to shift. And that is okay. I still keep finding my way and sometimes it feels like I don't. And that is okay.
But seeking what I feel like I'm missing is where the choice comes in. Seeking connection. Seeking a friendly voice. Seeking understanding. Being open to it can be scary because you might get hurt, it might not go as you hope...but I was reminded again and again yesterday that the being open part is the only way for me.
Thanks for listening...for sharing your light, your stories...for seeking connection so others can know they are not alone, so you can know...