So this is that moment when I come back to this space and start writing. And writing. And sharing the rawness and realness along with ideas and practices and community. I'm working on lists - lists of self-care and lists of organizations I want to donate to, support, and learn more about and lists of voices I want in my daily life so that I stay informed without being consumed and lists of ways I'm going to serve. This is the day when I starting coming to this place more often to make sense of things like I have again and again over the years.
But first, here's a snapshot of thoughts from this morning, the day after the day after we did the unthinkable as a country.
Seeking the everyday rhythm as deep self-care. This simple ritual of breakfast and talking while I make her lunch. The sound of her chatter and laughter and decision that "today is all about Kitty Power!" The smells of coffee and cream cheese and a bagel toasting. The negotiation of: "If I put this piece of Halloween candy in your lunch, you also have to eat all your chicken." Audible sigh. "Fine." Finding coloring books and colored pencils for Jon to take to school for the mindfulness class he's teaching today. Brainstorming that maybe he should have a coloring station for kids. (Imagine your high school physics classroom with a coloring station?) Bringing my hand to my heart every time I remember who our next president will be. Breathing in that space that still feels a bit hallow inside me. Finding her coat and shoes and zipping up her backpack and off they go.
Today, I'll be home alone. Might stay in pjs. Will try to stay hydrated because I'm feeling brittle and dry. I'm going to write today. And write. And listen to music. And let the swirling grief and anger and disbelief sit beside me here on the couch. This is The And Space. The place where I get to feel it all. The place where I decide what's next.
One thing I do know is that I will be using my privilege, my wisdom, my love to say:
If you're going to try to hurt people who are different from you -people in the LGBTQ community, people in Muslim, Jewish, and other religious communities, people of color, people who are disabled, people who are more vulnerable than you. If you're going to try to harm my daughter who believes that love is love is love. If you're going to try to hurt anyone at all, you're going to have to get through me. You're going to have to get through so many of us holding hands and saying: Not on my watch.
I'm seeking the simple, everyday rhythms and writing and working so I can keep paying the bills, while I let all my feelings sit on the couch beside me. I'm letting this be my practice today because I know there is so much work to be done. Take care of you over there. And if you need a place to land, there's room over here in The And Space. I've got cookies.