I might have been someone who watched television for hours each night, keeping a distance from the reality of her life while zoning out into the “reality” of the lives of others. Someone who would, every now and then, glance at the theology and philosophy books on her bookshelves and remember a time when there was a hunger to learn. I might have been someone who thought it would be easier to let go of needing friends in a new place. I might have been someone who avoided mirrors because she did not want to notice her body, her face, her soul. I might have been someone who never told her husband the truth of her needs and wants and desires. Someone who always said “yes” when she meant “no” and “I’m okay” when she meant “I am drowning.” I might have been someone who jumped up whenever the phone rang because she knew someone would need her because someone always needs her to solve their problems. I might have been someone who forgot to let people know when she needs support. Someone who spent a lot of time giving and receiving mostly guilt. Someone who ached inside but chose to ignore the pain.
I might have been someone who forgot herself.
Someone who one day would look in the mirror and resent all that had happened in her life. Resent the life she didn’t choose. Someone who chose what seemed like an easier path and allowed herself to get caught up in all of the distractions that life in this time and in this place can offer. Someone who chose sleep over wide open eyes.
I might have been someone who was so weighed down by baggage that the little girl inside her went to sleep for so long she never woke up.
But something intervened and shifted everything.
In one uncontrollable moment, my heart was broken. The sadness this caused, the waves of grief and the wonder that I could feel such pain invited this little girl inside me to awaken. As I started noticing her, she started singing. She reminded me of dreams and desires and hopes and beliefs. She sang of possibility. And as I listened to her, I knew I had only one choice. To live in my life.
And I began to live in my life by healing my heart.
During the last year, I have begun to heal by finding the creative in my life and challenging myself. Painting and writing and chanting and teaching yoga and sewing. Long conversations with friends about “real” things in life and learning from one another. Being validated and reminded I am not alone in this blog world. Erasing the lines of safety I drew around myself for protection and jumping into new adventures.
This little girl who sings to me about truth and possibility has saved me. This little girl, who is really me.
I am someone who has realized that I choose in every single moment of my life. What to say, how to react, the next step, these are all choices I can make. And even though I do sometimes need to sleep in a bit, when I am a bit exhausted from it all, I know that living, truly living in my life is the only path for me.
(read more sunday scribblings here)