senses. owens beach.

{see}

{hear}

{smell}

{taste}

{touch}

{and know}

comfortable yet stylish {sunday scribblings}

The first year after I graduated from college, I lived in the Lincoln Park neighborhood in Chicago. My circle of friends was a group of girls I had gone to boarding school with, and almost all of us had the same pair of nine west black boots. They were comfortable and stylish, which is a combination I do not often experience. I can see pairs of these boots lined up in the entryway of Virginia and Rebecca's apartment. The look that would appear on one of our faces when we realized we had on the wrong pair. We were kind of like a little mini-army in our boots and khaki pants and black turtlenecks. In some ways, I miss those days. When none of us were married and we would get a bucket of beer (cider for me and Rebecca) at Ranalli's and a pizza but a salad for Missy R. because she hates pizza. We would laugh and laugh until we cried with laughter. And go to the bathroom in twos. And try to find the loves of our lives. In a bar. In Chicago. Always wearing those black boots.

I was wearing those black boots when I am in line in the bathroom of Tin Lizzie's and a woman I had never seen turns to her friend, "Is that her? The one who said that to me? I am going to kick her ass." And she turns to me and says, "Are you the one who was a bitch to me at the bar?" And I say, "Ahh, no." "Well, that girl was wearing jeans too." "Well, I'm not her." "Are you sure?" "Ahh, yeah." At this point, the bathroom is free and she stumbles in and quickly forgets about me. Phew. If you know me, you know, I am not the kicking ass type. I was wearing those boots when I walked through thigh-high drifts of snow on January 2, 1999. We were in the midst of a blizzard and I was all alone in my studio apartment. It was snowing inside my apartment (I am not kidding). And I was wearing these boots as I walked to Blockbuster where I rented Lethal Weapon 4 (they were out of the good movies, really they were), Camelot (my favorite musical. it is so long. and i sing every song out loud because i have known every word since i was a small child), and another movie I have since forgotten. I was so scared in that blizzard, alone, feeling far away from everyone. But I was safe in my boots (and Blockbuster was only a block away). I was wearing those boots when I went to see the movie 200 Cigarettes. I was wearing those boots when I got all my hair cut off and just loved it. Short, short hair just like Gwyneth in Sliding Doors. I was wearing those boots when I got embarrassingly drunk, so drunk that I lost time, which is what I call that night - the night I lost time, and thought I was a smoker, and let boys buy me too many gin and tonics. But luckily it was on that night that my dear friend Virginia took me home and put me to bed, taking off those boots and helping me put on my pajamas. And nothing bad happened. Other than my own embarrassment and a good story for everyone else. And I was wearing those boots when I waited for the bus every morning that winter. The bus that would take me to and from work during the week. It was on one of those evening bus rides, when I was wearing those boots, that I closed Wuthering Heights with three pages left. I could no longer put up with Heathcliff. I was, simply, over it.

Through that entire winter and part of spring, I was wearing those boots. As I grew to realize living in the big city and trying to find Mr. Right in a bar and worrying so much about wearing the right clothes and living in a tiny shoebox apartment and working in a cubicle and watching more TV than I want to admit and feeling alone in a group of friends and not having a car and riding the bus were all things I needed to change, I was wearing those boots. And tonight, as I think about those boots, I remember the other lessons during that time. How I realized that some friends will see you through anything and laughter is the best gift of all and setting boundaries within a family with divorced parents is hard but important and sometimes going back to what you know helps you heal and standing up for yourself in the face of a lie is important and spending an evening with just the girls makes my heart happy and sitting on the floor of Barnes and Noble is one way to remember who I am. And I learned that a great pair of khakis and a black turtleneck and a pair of comfortable yet stylish boots are sometimes all you need to have a great time.

Read more Sunday Scribblings here. The prompt this Sunday was My Shoes.

time to just relax

So the last two days have brought time to watch four, yes four, movies. so nice to just lose yourself in the lives of others.

Walk the Line. See this movie now. Right now. It was fantastic. Beautiful. Intense. I want to read Johnny Cash's autobiography and of course sing, sing, sing his music and June Carter's as well. The acting was so very good.

The Third Man. An old Orson Well's movie. And I must admit to sleeping with my head on my husband's chest through a good portion of it.

Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Oh this one is fun. Very funny and silly. Loved it.

And I am now crying my way through the The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Yes, you read that right. It is on HBO. And I have even sucked my husband into it. As he said, "yes, i am over here absorbed in the drama of the traveling pants."

And tomorrow will bring a day of creating and time at my dining room table filled with all my art "stuff." I can't wait!!

Happy weekend to you all...

a little gratitude and joy

tonight i am grateful for:

a wonderful evening with my husband. good food. laughter. silliness. reading poetry from the poetry thursday posts out loud together.

and speaking of poetry thursday. i am so grateful for the way this idea continues to expand and grow. and for lynn for taking on this project with me.

the weather. oh this gorgeous weather. blue sky and sunshine that is inviting everything to grow and bloom and reach up toward the heavens.

the wonderful women who come to my senior chair yoga class. they are beyond delightful. during the class we laugh and share and they do more than they think they can. it is a beautiful experience each week.

the work i have had lately. mostly i am grateful for this because it means our debt can decrease a little (or at least not increase).

that my grandpa's surgery went well this week. it was minor, but he had to be under anesthesia. i am simply grateful that he woke up.

my brother and the way that he inspires me. he has just finished the great american novel in the form of an amazing album with a friend of his. so it isn't a book, but rather an album of some incredible songs...but this is how i can relate to how he feels. like he just completed a dissertation about his life. check it out here. i am fiercely proud of him.

the new friends in my life. thank you for finding me and connecting with me. i am so happy to know you.

the hope that i will have some time to myself this weekend for the first time in a long time. i. can't. wait.

and i am finding the joy in this list of things:
fresh basil, the indigo girls, the way millie puts her head on my knee and sighs, flip flops, summer skirts, pink ribbon, opening the mailbox to find a letter addressed just to me...a real letter, a new white t-shirt, a slice of lemon in a glass of cold water, my superhero bracelet, taking my laptop outside to work on the back porch, the laughter of a dear friend, mugs of green tea.

how have you found the joy this week?

poetry thursday

sometimes i watch you as you read the paper
you do not notice
i sit, cross-legged on the couch
a smile to my lips
as out of the corner of my eye i see
your bent elbows leaning

on the arms of the old green chair
that used to be my father's
i keep my head still
so that i don't distract you
or cause you to sense my glance
i wish i could climb up into your brain
and see the wheels turn
and synapses connect

sometimes i watch you as you read the paper
wanting to take a peek
and know what you know

**********

Poetry Thursday was a weekly poetry project that I created and then co-ran with another blogger back in 2006-2007. The site is no longer online.

open eyes {self portrait challenge}

This month's self portrait challenge is to introduce yourself. I do that in almost every post I think. So for this month's challenge, I am simply going to share what comes to me on the day when I decide to post.

Who am I?

I am a woman on the cusp of her thirties who is trying to make a difference in the world. I am a woman trying to heal and grow through the pains of this life. I am a woman learning to love who I am, even when I have trouble seeing the positives. I am a woman trying to be authentic even when it seems easier to be someone else. I am a woman searching for meaning in the midst of...well...in the midst of the crap.

Yes. In the midst of the crap. There is so much that gets thrown at us in this world. The many things to think about and worry about and fear and focus on instead of the real stuff. These things that sidetrack us and numb us and we become a bit crazy about...all the crap.

I am a woman trying to wipe my windshield clean of the crap. This is who I am. I clean it. The next time I turn around it is full again. Wipe. See clearly for a moment. Can't see. Wipe again. Repeat.

If you find that this is part of who you are, don't despair. What I have realized is that most people simply think they can see through the crap.

They. do. not. even. realize. it. is. there.

If you do...well, half the battle is really over because you are living with your eyes open. And we can do this together. Live with open eyes. And just keep wiping off the crap.

will try again tomorrow

i want to write something inspiring...

about how i want to dance for 15 minutes today to celebrate Jamie's beautiful idea.
about the wonderful breakfast i had yesterday with Marilyn, Laini, and Stephanie!
about the fantastic afternoon i spent with Kelly.
about the awareness i experienced listening to the indigo girls yesterday.
about how my heart expands a bit every time i sing at the top of my lungs in the car.
about how much i am enjoying reading May Sarton's Journal of a Solitude.
about the beautiful weather we are having.
about how inspired i feel by the bloggers i am connecting with.

but all i have to say is this...
i am watching last night's west wing episode for the second time because bravo replays it on monday nights at 8 and i am so sad this show is ending and i love alan alda and jimmy smits and the world where a open-minded, compassionate, independent-thinking man is elected into the most powerful office in our country and calls upon an equally open-minded, compassionate, independent-thinking man who happened to be his opponent to serve in an important role in his cabinet. Really. All I really want is some compassionate, open-minded, independent-thinking people to run for office. (oh and even though there is a part of me that still wants to be the first female president [as a child i had a sign hanging from my bedroom door that said "future president sleeping"], i have to admit that i would really like the job of being first lady. an independent-thinking, compassionate, open-minded first lady of course.)

and i am feeling a bit blue...just a bit...but will try to find some inspiration for tomorrow.

seeking

just a little reminder to sit in the quiet and breathe and listen...