a prompt

I stoped by Sarah's site today and felt prompted to share some thoughts...

I yearn for...a place of my own where I can create, write, practice yoga, meditate, nap, look out the window, daydream....maybe a treehouse, a cabin in the woods, a cottage at the sea, a little studio in the backyard...a place just for me (and yes, I will invite you to come and visit).

I ache...for my grandmother. Every day. I ache with the missing. It has almost been a year. A year. This amazes me. I ache for her.

I adore...spring flowers. All of them. Purple, pink, orange, white, red, yellow, fuschia, blue, striped. Everywhere. Makes my heart so happy to see the earth awaken from her slumber.

I want...to find the goddess inside me. The sexy, beautiful, strong, wild, superhero, wise goddess inside me.

I need...to continue to let go every day. Let it go. Take a breath. Let it go. Let go and have more fun. Let go of the guilt, anger, sadness, ego. Let go and throw my head back and laugh and laugh and laugh. Let go. And live.

three things (a tag)

Melanie of navylane and inspire me thursday tagged me to answer this great list:

3 Things You Wish For (just for you)
that i would write more (start a book!)
to take belly dancing lessons
to learn to swim without fear (i can swim, but i am always just on the cusp of terror)

3 Things You Would Do To/For Yourself If There Was No One To Judge You (or if you had the guts to do it!)
get my nose pierced
dye my hair red
go on vacation by myself
(get tattoooo! but this one i do plan on at some point in the future - maybe on my 30th birthday later this year. shhh...don't tell anyone.)

3 Bad Habits You Have
thinking ice cream is a food group
not putting things away in the same place after i use them
not putting new toilet paper on the roll; i just put it next to the roll and leave it for jonny to fix later

3 Insecurities You Feel
i don't think i am ever as pretty as my friends
that i do not know as much as a person i disagree with (so i often just disagree in my head instead of out loud)
that i may never have the group of friends here in my town that i really want

3 Talents/Skills You Wish You Had
knitting
driving "stick" (at least that is how we say it back home in Indiana)
sewing

3 Things That You Would Do If You Had More Time
cook (ok, i have time for this some days but i just don't do it enough)
learn to sew
write more letters

3 Things That Bring You Peace/Relaxation
reading
yoga
coloring

3 Things That Spark Your Creativity
color!
music
my favorite things in my house (probably another post all in itself)

3 people you want to tag
M of Creative Stumblings
Cate The Bean Counter
acumamakiki because we know she loves a good list (and i don't think you have done this one)!
Of course, feel free not to accept the tag. And if others are inspired to play along, please do!

{SPT} the me who accepts your invitation

Invitations I usually accept:
guilt, to be "the responsible one," to do a favor I don't have time for, the ringing of the phone (even if it is not a good time), to fix someone's problems, guilt, the words of my inner critic, to meet unreachable expectations, sadness, to hide who I truly am, to sit in the back of the room, to stop asking questions, to whisper instead of speak loudly, to be the good girl, to walk instead of dance, guilt, guilt, guilt...

But this month, another invitation has come my way.
The invitation to embrace and accept all of me.
I extend this invitation to others every time I teach yoga, yet I could not find a way to extend it to me.
And then this month, this invitation arrived in the guise of magical words , images, and art by amazing women and the brave creatures who posted SPTs.

Thank you. Please accept my RSVP. I will attend this acceptance of myself as I embrace all of who I am. The faults, the ugly bits, the beauty, the grace, the fears, the joys, and yes, even the feelings of guilt.

Check out other SPT all of me posts at Self Portrait Tuesday.

senses. artist date.

{see}

{smell}

{taste}

{hear}

{touch}

{and know}

a self-portrait

I have put on my bathing suit and jumped off the diving board right into the world of Inspire Me Thursday...so at least once a week you are going to see something I have created with my own two hands. This week I tried creating my self-portrait with crayons. But I had trouble translating it over the scanner...but here it is all the same. This is how you can often find me. Trying to find my breath in the midst of the ramblings of my monkey mind.

Click on over to Inspire Me Thursday to see some other self-portraits and explore some amazing blogs.

going in

I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.
John Muir

poetry thursday

in the morning

for mary

it was my first poetry reading
i, a reluctant 7 year old attendee
standing in my jockeys as my sister,
her mouth twisting violently
around Dunbar’s dialectic verse,
screeched "lias, lias, bless de lawd"

at eight, my sister lacked subtlety
screaming lines without attention to timbre or tone,
commas & hyphens caused her no pause
she was, as instructed, projecting,
loud enough for her voice to bounce
off the rear of draper elementary’s auditorium
& to wake the deceased & resting Dunbar
a shrill fisherwoman’s delivery for a future audience

shut up, i muttered, through sleepy eyes
as my sister switched to Langston’s poem,
"life for me ain’t been no crystal stair"
her head rocking with emphasis & joy at my annoyance
i heard these two poems ricochet off the walls of our home
no less than five thousand times in a truncated February

my friends came to my home often,
looking for this kid named lias, who caused my sister
to scream with madness every waking hour
& searching in vain for the crystals in our stairs
by the time my sister had her official reading
our entire family was reciting both poems
like brainwashed idiots

thirty years later, it is me
annoying my family with verse and stanza
casting my life by the poems coursing my veins
while my sister’s life has become the jagged minstrel
that identify Dunbar’s lyrics
her song marked by the erratic meter
of an addict’s rhyme as she fills her lungs
with the shattered remains of a descending crystal stair

now i recite poems that beg her to live,
that implore her to be as tenacious in her search
for rhythm & meaning as the little girl
who lit up our home with sweet black words
who Langston warned and Dunbar amused

in the morning,
i pray for the blessing of any lord
for some lyrical benediction
to heal her cacophonous wounds
& make whole again the little girl,
who clings to sonnets & sobriety.

Kenneth Carroll

Right now, my deciding factor for Poetry Thursday is "poems that make me gasp out loud." And this one did. It also made me laugh out loud and invited little pinpricks of tears to tap at the back of my eyes.

If you would like to share a poem, one that speaks to you...makes you gasp out loud, please post it to your blog. And then you can email me and I will post a link to your blog in a new sidebar heading of Poetry Thursday participants. If you do not have a blog and want to post a poem, please feel free to post it in the comments here.

Let the poetry readings begin...

a transition

in the last couple of weeks, i have jettisoned from the blogger closet. no longer anonymous. when i first started this blog, i wasn't sure if i would share it with anyone but my husband. i didn't expect that anyone would really read it. i think a lot of us start that way don't we? my posts felt so anonymous. who would ever read these words? but i started leaving comments at the blogs i had been reading for several months. then michelle stopped by. my very first comment (thank you michelle). and then she stopped by again. and then a few others stopped by and left their comments. and suddenly people i had never met were reading the words i put out there into the universe every day.

i shared the link with a few people in my "real" life. people i felt would not judge. (or thought wouldn't. one friend shocked me with his words about how simple and trite my thoughts seemed.) no one from my real life really let me know if they were reading. and that was okay. and because of that, i still felt very anonymous.

a few weeks ago, i realized that i felt a bit of a disconnect between my day to day life and the fact that writing here has become so important to me. i wanted to share this aspect of my journey with the people who have known me for a while. i began to share the link to this little page out here in cyberspace with more friends. and also my mom. i am no longer anonymous. i have no control over who is reading my blog, what they will think. so now i feel like i am in a bit of a transition period. trying not to censor myself, and i don't think i am, and letting go of the worries of this decision. letting my blog world and my real world become, simply, my world.

i have, though, been thinking about the questions my friends and family may have about this blog medium. and why i do this. why i come to this blank page almost every day and share thoughts, ideas, silliness, sadness...so here is a little q & a for you...

Why did I start this blog?
last summer i attended a retreat and through an exercise at the retreat, i ended up writing about what my work is/what i want it to be. i wrote more about this here. part of what i wrote was this: my work is to create peace around me and to write about true things, feelings, and moments so that others will know they are not alone.
i had no idea how i was going to do this. all i knew was that i wanted to write and share. i had been reading several blogs for a few months, but it didn't even cross my mind to start my own. and then one day it did. and this hope became a reality. this is why i read blogs; this is why i have one. this journey through life is difficult and beautiful and crazy and hard. and it is nice to know that there are other people out there, all over the world, doing the best they can just like me. they are pursuing dreams they had forgotten about. finding their true selves. finding a spiritual path. creating, writing, painting, dancing, drawing. raising children. helping others. learning how to love themselves. finding laughter in the midst of grief. reconnecting with the person they once were. doing the best they can. and to be able to connect with them...well, that is just a miracle really.

Am I going to mention my friends and family on my blog?
again, the anonymity piece. when i first started writing here, i didn't think friends or family would see this blog. then i thought i might have a rule where i wouldn't mention them unless i asked first. now i feel this way: this is not a place where i will vent or make fun or purposefully cause another pain. this is not be my intention. i will not share the secrets of others, only my own. because my journey involves my friends and family, they may come up (and if you have been reading for a while, you know i have posted about my family). if i share about you it is because you are a part of my life and i love you. it is that simple. but this may mean that i share my struggles sometimes. i won't be posting specifics, no one will be able to "find you" through my blog (unless they already know you).

How do comments work?
ahhh...comments. yes. the ultimate exercise for the ego. comments are wonderful. thank you thank you thank you for the comments. however, the ego sometimes becomes a bit too involved. the "guess what? 20 comments today!" ego. if you feel moved to leave a comment, i appreciate it because then i know you are out there in your corner of the world, visiting me in mine. but don't feel pressure to leave one. i sometimes get wrapped up in "oh no, i did not visit all the blogs i read today/this weekend/this week. are they going to hate me because i didn't comment? will they not come back to visit me if i miss a week?" i am learning to let that go. please let it go too.

and if you have been stopping by here every now and then for a while you might wonder: Am I really still reading the summer of the great-grandmother?
ok no. i wish i was. i had to turn it back into the library when i was halfway through it. yes, i know it has been up there on the sidebar for two months. i want to be reading it, that is why it is there. i will try to do a better job of posting the current books i am reading. especially since i have read several since then.

Are there any other questions floating around out there? If yes, leave me a comment (hee, hee) and I will answer them. Thanks for stopping by my friends...from both worlds...thank you.