{AW} a tag

I was tagged by Blue Dog to share the following:

Four wishes, dreams, and desires
1) a trip back to maui without the worry of financial debt
2) to own a bookstore/pajama shop/coffee shop
3) to have a yoga studio above the afore-mentioned shop
4) to maybe, some day, have a child

Four imaginary lives
1) a mermaid
2) a photographer who travels around the world
3) a broadway singer/dancer
4) the first female president

Four things I should change
1) to take even better care of this temple that is my body
2) my negative self-talk
3) let go of more "stuff" - emotional, physical, material
4) love more, judge less

Four people I admire
1) SARK - her honest, creative, inspiring way.
2) my friend heather - her strength and courage. she always invites me to grow, be more than I am, and she never judges as I share my innermost demons, secrets, dreams, hopes.
3) my brother - as he follows his dream, he teaches me to let go and live more. as he searches inside himself for truth and understanding, he reminds me that i have the tools to do the same.
4) my friend juli - i trust her with my life. and i am sometimes in awe that she invites this kind of trust.

Four things i like about the artist way
1) i feel that i have permission to find this artist inside me.
2) the sense of community - so many other bloggers are out there following this same path, at least for these 12 weeks.
3) the idea that i am not alone in this hope to find a connection with myself and others.
4) artist dates. artist dates. artist dates.

Four things i still hope to get out of the artist way
1) the habit of morning pages.
2) permission to let this artist inside of me begin to create.
3) a continued sense of this community.
4) the habit of morning pages (yes, I really do want this to become a habit, so maybe, if i write it here again, it will begin to germinate into more than just a seed of an idea).

Who inspires you? What imaginary life do you wish you were living? What would you change?

senses. sangha.

{feel}
As soon as I step into the room, I sigh. Calm. Safe. Sangha. The scratchy, thick wool blanket. A tacky, sticky yoga mat. The warm embrace of others as we greet one another. Some pause as they hug. Sigh. Honor one another. Grateful to see one another. I sit on my blanket, fold my legs in front of me, and settle in for an afternoon of learning, sharing, listening. As we start our time with chanting, I feel the sound of all our voices vibrate inside me. As we begin to discuss, just discuss, inversions, my energy, the group's energy, increases. As the afternoon ends, again we embrace one another. Validation and support in the form of a hug. The knowledge that we will do this again the next day. Two days of community, learning, sharing.

{hear}
Happy voices of the group greeting one another. For many it has been a month since we have seen one another. To being the afternoon, we chant to Ganesh and honor our teachers and teachers' teachers. People begin to check-in. I hear their truth. They share with such honesty and integrity in their voices. Tears. Laughter. Tears again. Validation. Affirmation. The calm, wise voice of our teacher. Her infectious laughter. She shares her knowledge without attachment, inviting questions, conversation. We study inversions. Changing your perspective by literally turning yourself upside down. An excited voice says something like, "did anyone else just love headstands as a kid? I would watch tv standing on my head." Laughter. No one quite agreed but we could all relate to the child-like joy. Throughout the afternoon, moments of quiet counterpose the energy, laughter, voices.

{smell}
Fresh air drifts in through the open windows. It is warm enough (read: no rain, wind, or gray sky) to have the windows open. Yes. Yes. Yes. Someone brought foil-wrapped hearts. As I bring one to my lips, the intoxicating smell of my vice, chocolate. Can I let one be enough? No. Throughout the afternoon I eat three. Later, the spicy, warm, stomach-grumbling inducing smells wafting from the kitchen of a Thai restaurant.

{taste}
The salad, my new favorite meal, that I brought for lunch. I taste dried cranberries, blue cheese, apple, lettuce, walnuts. I am eating a salad and loving it, I think to myself with a little happiness and pride. Later, the hot, rich, bitter flavor of a vanilla latte. Even later, peanut sauce, curry, rice, noodles, vegetables shared with four friends. The spices cha-cha on my tongue in the midst of conversation and laughter. The welcome clear, cleansing taste of water when the curry is a bit more than my tastebuds can handle.

{see}
On days like this, I usually focus on faces. Smile, sadness, serious eyes, frown of confusion, nodding affirmation, a wink as a joke is shared, quizzically raised eyebrows, laughter and wrinkles around the eyes. And when we study asana, I then focus on bodies. On this day, bodies in shoulder stand, head stand, supported head stand. Although I am not yet brave enough to experience these poses, I enjoy the change in perspective these poses invite in others. A new look at the world. Upside down.

{and know}
You can find a community of people, a sangha, and know that you are not alone in your journey. Take a breath and open your heart to the possibility.

{AW} an artist date, a salad quest

blogger has not been my friend this weekend...tried to post several times...so will probably post twice today.

Friday night I went on an artist date to a favorite place of mine, a grocery store called Metropolitan Market.
I walked in, grabbed a basket and began walking. I had two goals. The first was to take in the colors and textures of the market. The second, to find the ingredients to recreate a salad I had discovered the week before. I would like to eat more salad, but lettuce does not do much for me. But if the salad is easy to make and seems "gourmet," then I can do it.

Goal one: The produce section. The colors are as many as in a 96 box of Crayolas. Greens, reds, pinks, yellows, purples. The first time I walked into this store when we moved here I almost started weeping in the midst of the produce. The displays, the smells, the choices. The smooth apples, the damp, delicate lettuce, the slight bumpy texture of an orange. As I walk through the rest of the store, I try to take in which colors attract my eye. Reds, oranges, blues. Several times I wish for my camera. Let your eyes be the lens sometimes, I remind myself. And I couldn't help but wonder "would I be allowed to take pictures at a grocery store?" I can imagine myself saying to the guy mopping the floor, "I am not a spy."

Goal two: Green leaf lettuce, red bib lettuce, fresh crumpled blue cheese, fuji apples, walnuts, dried cranberries, and honey pear salad dressing. Yes, yes, yes.

another reading

The blue sky is crystal clear today.
No clouds in sight.
Which means day four of no rain dropping on my head, the house, the earth.
Millie and I went for a walk.
Breathing in the fresh, crisp, dry air.
But it is cold.
Ears-hurting cold.
So I will warm up with a bath
and another poetry reading in the tub.
I think I will start with these words by William Stafford.

Things That Happen

Sometimes before great events a person will try,
disguised, at his best, not to be a clown:
he feels, "A great event is coming, bow down."
And I, always looking for something anyway,
always bow down.

Once, later than dawn but early,
before the lines of the calendar fell,
one of those events turned an unseen corner
and came near, near, sounding before it
somethign the opposite from a leper's bell.

We were back of three mountains called
"Sisters" along the Green Lakes trail
and had crossed a ridge when that
one little puff of air touched us,
hardly felt at all.

That was the greatest event that day;
it righted all wrong.
I remember it, the way the dust moved there.
Something had come out of the ground
and moved calmly along.

No one was ahead of us, no one
in all that moon-like land.
Oh, I thought, how hard the world has tried
with its wind, its miles, its blundering
stumbling days, again and again, to find my hand.

(from Allegiance new poems by William Stafford)

solutions

problem: you both love enchiladas but each of you likes a different sauce.
solution: see above.

problem: you are intrigued by discussions of grey's anatomy but you missed the much talked about show on sunday.
solution: tune in to abc tomorrow night (9:30/8:30c) for an encore presentation and you too can find out why i wanted to pray for bailey's husband.

problem: you are busier than usual and feel discombobulated.
solution: find your breath. and breathe.

problem: you have missed several days of morning pages in your AW journey.
solution: let go of the guilt and try again tomorrow.

problem: you love chocolate more than some people in your life.
solution: eat dark chocolate. it is good for you (in small doses) and just rich enough that you don't want to eat an entire bar in one sitting.

problem: you have a very low self-image when it comes to how you look, your body, your beauty.
solution: find inspiration in this month's SPT posts.

what problems have you solved today? probably more than you realize...
I would love to hear about them.

{SPT} the me who hides

Sometimes
I pull my hood up
and a force field surrounds me
the darkness may have come
but I can protect myself
a habit that began in college
and when moments lead me to melancholy days
again
I find pulling my hood up around my head
creates
a security blanket for my soul

This month's SPT theme being all of me made me think about capturing the feeling of the me who hides from the world when loneliness, grief, or other feelings of sadness creep in.

I was able to quickly tap into this feeling as I sat on the couch this morning. And I took a few pictures with the timer...but as I tried to capture the last one, Millie would have no part of the sadness anymore. She seemed to pose for the camera, captivated by the sound of the timer. So here is another self-portrait: the me with the big smile. People say that I have a beautiful smile. I never believe them. I am always focused on my big teeth and the way that my lip comes up so far that you can see so much of my gums. But here I am. All of me. From the hiding to the laughter.

See more SPT photos here

little joys

here comes the sun. it was out all day today.
a visit with a dear friend (how lucky i am that every few months she travels from indiana to seattle for work).
pizza and beer.
watching grey's anatomy. i am still thinking of last week's episode. i cried through the last 10 minutes. and yesterday's episode. wow. wow. wow. i am a little too close to this show because i almost wrote "i should pray for bailey's husband." yes, yes, i know. it is not real.
finishing the book wicked. it was good. odd. interesting. the idea that we are often misunderstood as we carry our baggage.
a crocus is blooming. already. one little purple crocus. makes me so happy.
that my brother was signed to a record deal with a band he plays with. more details to come as i learn more.
curling up with millie and taking a nap.
the fact that my husband is dressing up like professor plum for school tomorrow. (the different advisory groups have to dress up with a theme - it's spirit week. his students came up with clue. so we were at macy's tonight searching for a purple shirt and tie. 30% off the already marked down 50% off. what more could you want?)
that my yoga students are sticking around after class to connect, ask questions, talk with me and each other.
singing songs with the weepies as i work.
that i am finally catching up on reading blogs.
that my editing work is starting to increase (oh please, please let this continue)
little moments when i can remind my husband that he can do anything and he hears me.
feeling really alive.
remembering that maybe, just maybe, i can do anything.

postcards

This is one of the postcards I made for the postcard swap organized by Christina (the rest of them are quite similar to this one, but each were created separately). I have received a few in the mail from others already. And I must admit that I have felt pretty special when I go to my mailbox with such anticipation and am given the gift of a postcard. I plan to upload them to flickr, but, of course, I am still figuring out how to create a link to my flickr page so stay tuned.

Creating all these little pieces of art that I have sent out into the universe to be discovered in a few mailboxes all over the country (and world) has been so much fun. And I am owning the fact that these are "little pieces of art." The sentiment expressed in this postcard seems to be for me too. Maybe it is also for you.