dear morning pages,
i know you are good for me. i know i should love you. i know you help me. when i spend time with you, i solve a few problems of the world. you open my eyes to new ideas. about me, about life, about my past, about my future. i start to get ideas for things: books, projects, stories, things i want to create. i know. you do all these things. you turn me inside out some days. and this can be a really good thing. you even invite “aha!” moments. yes, i know your power.
but right now. well, right now i am just raging against you. those are the words that run through my head whenever i see you and know it is time. i rage again the morning pages. yes. i rage against you. i don’t like you. i want you to go away. i can’t believe that i agreed to come back to you again. i can’t believe it. i know our relationship has, at times, been love-hate. but this time. well, this time i am not loving you at all. nope.
because, you see, i know your tricks. how you suck me in. how i tell myself i am only going to write one page but you tempt me with the truth and creativity and suddenly i am at the top of page four and realize what you have done. you will not seduce me this time. you will not prove yourself to be a tool i cannot live without.
oh no you won’t!
you won’t get me. i see you for what you are. i see you for all your messiness and truthiness and boldness and silliness and all that you can give me. i see it.
told you didn’t i?
and just you wait, when i open up my notebook again tonight, you will hear it all again.
someone who is super, super annoyed with you
(i am working through the artist’s way with my friend heather. her first time. my third. of course the first two times i didn’t get through the whole thing. last time i mostly loved the morning pages even though i didn’t do them every day. this time. this time i am raging against them. and we are just starting week two. i think the MPs are getting the first wave of me speaking my truth. good thing they don’t have any feelings.)